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5 reasons why a WedLease still leaves you empty?

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Paul Rampell is a lawyer in Palm Beach who specializes in estate planning wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Washington Post about the possibility of WedLeases over marriage.

Marriage is a legal partnership that is supposed to last a lifetime — one lifetime to be exact, that of the first of the spouses to die. Rampell felt that generally speaking, that is too long time for any partnership. Our behavior dictates that people, circumstances and all sorts of other things change. The compatibility of any two people over decades may decline with these changes to the point of extinction.

So we should borrow from real estate and create a marital lease? Instead of wedlock, a “wedlease.”

Here’s how a marital lease could work: Two people commit themselves to marriage for a period of years — one year, five years, 10 years, whatever term suits them. The marital lease could be renewed at the end of the term however many times a couple likes. It could end up lasting a lifetime if the relationship is good and worth continuing. But if the relationship is bad, the couple could go their separate ways at the end of the term. The messiness of divorces is avoided and the end can be as simple as vacating a rental unit.

So like In real estate, why don’t we have the option for shorter term marriages. For example, since we have become accustomed to prenuptial agreements and postnuptial agreements, why not a marital lease to help minimize the high divorce rate.

Here are 5 reasons why a WedLease will still leave you empty.

  1. WEdLease contract won’t stop the pain. – If there are two people involved in marriage, there is bound to be some pain at some point, whether it be the first year of marriage or in 20 years. The benefit of marriage, is to hunker down and work through it.
  2. Limits on time and increase the distance.  If you aren’t really vested in the marriage, you will bide your time until the WedLease ends. How will you do that by putting as much distance between your lease spouse as possible. In a marriage, it is your responsibility to work hard every day to keep it fresh.
  3. No opportunity to repair the damage.  Even after the WedLease has ended due to a bad 5 years, you will still pay for the damage to the other partner. It’s always great to hear when couples continue to thrive in a marriage even after they had a serious setback.
  4. You are constantly keeping score. When you enter into a WedLease agreement, you will continuously be keeping score. So if you decide to renew for another 5 years, you, or your partner will make sure you get what you deserve as a result of each and every misstep by the other. Marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Teamwork!  When you win, your partner wins.
  5. You are constantly accommodating and not growing! When you enter into a marriage, it’s with another human being. With any team, you have to work together awhile before you start to kick in on all cylinders. It’s very empowering when you see your partner grow for the better and you feel you had a part in that.  In a WedLease, you would have to constantly accomodate the other partner until you feel comfortable.

Would you support a WedLease? What terms would be crucial for its success?

 

 

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Posted by on September 4, 2013 in iLoveStrong QoTD, Uncategorized

 

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WWL can finally be put to rest! (The case for Interracial Marriages)

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When I was in high school I had a few nicknames. Dently was my most popular one. Milkman was probably the funniest one. The most hurtful one, was WWL, which was based on the girls I dated.  WWL stood for white woman lover and it was based on the relationship I had with MT.  She was the one person, who truly understood what I went through as a kid in a predominately white school and just accepted me for being Keith. 

I never could fully understand why people felt the need to call me this.  What did my classmates expect. I went to a predominately white school. You can’t help who you fall in love with in high-school. At that time, you were just glad to have someone from the opposite sex to talk on the phone, or go to the movies. 

As I graduated high school, our relationship ended not based on the fact that we weren’t compatible, but at that time the possibility of maintaining the relationship until marriage wasn’t even considered with the acceptance of interracial marriages at about 40% for whites and about 70% for African-Americans. I knew the type of pain and scrutiny I felt in high-school, who wanted to continue that into adulthood.

Today, is the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s – I Have a Dream Speech. Not only have we come a long way in regards to Civil Rights, Voter’s Rights and a general love we have for one another as a nation. We have come a long way in regards to interracial marriages.

Americans’ attitudes about interracial marriage have changed dramatically over the past 50 years, moving from the point in the late 1950s when disapproval was well over 90%, to the point today when approval is approaching 90%. Census data indicate that black-white marriages in reality remain fairly rare — although they have increased from 167,000 in 1980 to 558,000 in 2010, they still represent less than 1% of all married couples. The major shift in attitudes about such unions, however, is a telling indicator of the general shift in views of racial matters on many fronts in the U.S. over the last five decades

These data are from Gallup’s Minority Rights and Relations poll, conducted June 13-July 5. The poll surveyed 4,373 Americans, including 1,010 non-Hispanic blacks.

Approval of marriages between blacks and whites is up one percentage point from 2011, when this attitude was last measured. Approval has generally increased in a linear fashion from Gallup’s first measure in 1958, reaching the majority threshold in 1997, and crossing the three-quarters line in 2004. Eleven percent of Americans today say they disapprove of black-white marriage, compared with 94% who disapproved in 1958.

Blacks’ approval of black-white marriage (96%) is now nearly universal, while whites’ approval is 12 percentage points lower, at 84%. Blacks’ approval has consistently been higher than whites’ over the decades, although attitudes among both racial groups have generally moved in a parallel manner since 1968 — when Gallup first was able to report reliable estimates of each group’s opinion. The gap between black approval and white approval in recent years has been smaller than it was prior to 1997.

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Like all married couples, you face challenges in maintaining happy and healthy relationship. It can be an ever bigger strain if you have to face challenges that have nothing to do with your marriage at all, but based the fact that you have different skin color. The best way to protect your marriage is to create an environment where open communication and establishing a strong family mission statement t with your partner will help you to overcome any obstacles you face. Here are five tips to strengthen your marriage.

  • The strength of your marriage will depend on you. Refuse to let what other people may say or think about interracial marriage bother you. As an interracial couple, you may be forced to deal with negative stereotypes –or hostile or derogatory comments from other people in your community who do not understand your relationship. Remember that the things these people say cannot get in the way of the love you two share and if they do, take time to talk to your partner immediately.
  • Show respect for each other’s cultures and family traditions before and during your marriage. Interracial couples still can face rejection or stress from their own families because of traditional beliefs that people should marry only other people of the same cultural background.

  • Lay down boundaries regarding your marriage with any family members or friends who try to interfere. Though it’s important to respect your family’s beliefs, it’s also necessary to defend your marriage to anyone who may try to change your mind about your marriage
  • Embrace the things that you and your partner have in common as well as your differences. The different parts of your racial backgrounds and cultures are likely to be some of the most enriching parts of your marital journey. Bringing these difference should prove to be even more fulfilling for both of you. Create your own traditions or cultural beliefs that you consider most important with your partner as you build your life together.
  • Remember that standing up to racism does not need to be an aggressive confrontation. This act can also be accomplished simply by making it clear that you will avoid interactions with someone who continues to be negative regarding your marriage. Firmly tell the person you will not spend time with anyone who expresses racist or insensitive views.

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I a great day to know that I can finally put WWL to rest.

Let’s keep the dream alive!

Strivers!  How have your views changed in regards to interracial marriages? If you are single would you consider dating someone of another race?

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Understanding your Attachment Style can solidify your relationship before it gets serious.

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I know you may be wondering, “Why I should ask a baby about my attachment style?” Why should I even care. For one,  it’s about awareness. Usually when we go into a relationship, it’s based on an initial attraction, or a certain chemistry. When we break up, we don’t often analyze the reason. If we do, it’s usually based on extremes. Either, I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, or he or she just couldn’t handle what I was ready to give.

According to the book Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep- Love by A. Levine and R. Heller, our brain assigns our partner the task of being our secure base, the person we use as an emotional anchor and safe haven, the one we turn to in time of need when our relationship becomes serious.

Not knowing your attachment style can help hurt your relationship in these ways:

  1. Can positively or negatively impact being your best in the relationship.
  2. Can influence how you feel about yourself, or the degree to which you believe in yourself and whether you will attempt to achieve your hopes and dreams.
  3. Can help you remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer.

If the partner’s you choose or if you are unavailable and not supportive over time, the relationship can truly be demoralizing and debilitating. It can stunt and/or stymie your growth for future relationships.

Since this blog is about strengthening relationship, I have attached the link to the survey by Dr. Chris Fraley that will provide insight to your attachment style. If you are dating or you want to be in a serious relationship, this will proof very insightful.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

I took the test myself and fell in the “secure” category. I am sure PG is happy.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on July 11, 2013 in Attachment Series

 

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Survey – Are you iLoveStrong Happy Couple

As a relationship coach and a follower of all things relationships, I come across all sorts of surveys: 10 tips to do this, 10 tips to do that. This morning I ran across this survey, 10 Things Happy Couples Do in Real Age, and I felt this is the type of environment I try to provide couples in my coaching practice. I would love to share these questions with you to see if you are truly an iLoveStrong Couple, and if you aren’t what could be done about it.

1. Do you feel the love in your marriage should be intense all the time or will grow over time?

Couples who start out thinking the fiery intensity of new romance will last forever lose 50% of their passion for each other after just 18 months, according to Harvard psychologist Robert Epstein, PhD. The couples who grow happier over time are the ones who understand that love evolves, becoming calmer, deeper, richer, and more powerful.

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2. During arguments, do you play nice or do you find a way to jab your spouse any chance you get?

The happiest couples do something other couples often don’t: They’re kind to each another. Happy partners simply don’t get mean or nasty with each other, even during arguments. “Happy couples treat each other like best friends,” says David Penner, PhD, assistant clinical director of the Gottman Relationship Institute. “They’re nice to each other across the board. That’s what builds loving feelings.”

3.During bedtime, is it all about sex, or talk?

Talking, not just fooling around is tops on the list of the most important things happy couples do in bed. Spending a few minutes chatting every night before sleep lets you catch up, make plans, and discuss problems in a quiet, tender setting, explains University of Minnesota family social science professor Paul Rosenblatt, PhD, author of Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing.

4. When you go out on a date, is it always by yourselves?

Dinners for two are great, but dinners for four can be just as empowering for a relationship. Bonding with other couples actually strengthens your own relationship, according to a 2010 study at Wayne State University. Having open, intimate conversations with other twosomes reinforces your own sense of togetherness. Being close to them makes you feel closer to each other.

5. If two of you are different, are you ashamed of it, or do you embrace it?

Happy couples bring their differences out into the open rather than denying or dismissing them. “Put issues on the table, and look for ways you can work around them,” he says. “The process of examination and renewal makes the threats diminish.”
6. When you spend time talking is it always about the weather?
Couples who have deep conversations are far likelier to be happy than couples who always keep it light, according to a 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science. Researchers report that the happiest couples have twice as many substantive discussions — and far fewer superficial ones — as the unhappiest couples.
7. Do you believe in teamwork makes the dream work?
If you’re both pretty lazy when it comes to working out your problems, you can be just as happy as partners who put in a lot of effort. What matters is that you both feel you devote the same amount of care and effort — a lot or a little — to keeping your relationship strong, according to a 2011 study in Psychological Science. Happiness doesn’t necessarily depend on how intense your level of commitment is, but on how mutual it is.
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8. Do you believe your conflicts should be confrontational or avoided?
It’s impossible to avoid arguments entirely. In fact, they happen frequently. But the happiest couples keep conflicts from becoming confrontations. They soften their approach when bringing up tough issues. And neither feels as if one of them always gets his or her way. Each occasionally yields to the other.
9. Do you have more negative statements for your spouse, than positive ones?
Happy couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other as negative ones, even when they are arguing, says Dr. Penner. It’s not expected to always be nice, but it pays off by solidifying the bond between you.
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10. Do you think about bailing on the marriage whenever obstacle occur?
Up to 80% of those who are most committed to marriage contemplate divorce at some point, says Dr. Epstein. But slogging through bad times can make both of you happier than ever. “If you can do that and get to the other side, it makes the relationship stronger,” he adds. “It strengthens love.”
If you answered yes, to more than half of these questions, but you want to change consider Strive 2 Succeed Coaching Services. I can help you acknowledge the things that are holding you back to having the happy marriage that you want and deserve. If you would to provide feedback or would like to talk about my services contact me here:

 
 

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What’s Love got to Do with It? Everything,

I came across this article that I found in the HUFFINGTON POST, that I figured that I would share with you. Dr. Cynthia Thaik, cardiologist and author of Your Vibrant Heart: Restoring Health, Strength & Spirit from the Body’s Core, feels Love as everything to do with the state of your health.

To have optimal cardiovascular health, your emotional and spiritual heart is just as important as your physical heart, and care must be given to all aspects of this vital organ.

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Love is a strong emotion, representing human kindness, compassion, and deep affection. Love is unselfish and benevolent. Love is pure. Love is self-directed and directed toward others. Most importantly, love is a vital component for the health of your heart, body, mind and soul.

Ways That Love Benefits Your Health:

  • Love improves self-esteem, which leads to better self-care. Self-love is key because when you love yourself, you are much more likely to engage in activities that contribute to better nutrition and physical fitness, and less likely to make unhealthy lifestyle choices.
  • Love is a great antidote to stress. Love counteracts the fight-or-flight response that we so often find ourselves in. Even low levels of stress cause the body to release cortisol, which is associated with an increased risk of developing high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease and depression. Love downregulates the production of cortisol. Love encourages your body to produce oxytocin, the “feel-good” or “love” hormone. Oxytocin can reduce cardiovascular stress and improve the immune system, which in turn decreases cell death and inflammation. Love also causes the production in your brain of norepinephrine and dopamine (both hormones associated with adrenaline), which leads to increased feelings of joy and pleasure. Love really is your best medicine.
  •  Love decreases anxiety and staves off depression, which subsequently reduces the signs and symptoms of heart disease. In his book Love and Survival: Eight Pathways to Intimacy and Health, Dean Ornish, M.D describes one study were married men who suffered from angina (chest pains) experienced far less angina if they felt loved by their wives, even despite high risk factors like high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
  • Sleeping next to someone you love makes you feel more relaxed, which helps you to sleep better. Numerous studies have linked the benefits to the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Adequate rest is vital to heart health and overall well-being, as much of the reparative work of the body is done during sleep.

Not just at Mother’s Day, but all year around, it is important to remind yourself that there is so much more to love than just romantic love. There is love of life, love of nature, love of animals, love of others, and love of self, and all of these acts of love provide amazing health benefits.

Ways to Incorporate Love Into Your Life

  1. Be more loving and giving. Bring happiness and joy into other people’s lives. Be generous with your time and money; be a person of increase. You can do this through volunteerism and altruism. I challenge everyone to do one random act of kindness today, even if it is as simple as smiling at someone.
  2. Hug often and hold hands. Physical contact in a loving and nurturing way has the ability to instantly improve your mood, lower stress levels and put you at ease. Try to hug at least one person you love every day.
  3. Be more playful in your loving relationship and make love often. Remind your partner about how much you care for them, and make time for them, no matter how busy you are.
  4. Love life — bring more joy into your life each day. Flirt with life… laugh, dance, sing. One way to manifest this is to allow yourself to really laugh without holding anything back and simply enjoy this pure laughter.
  5. Love yourself and be kind to yourself today. Treat yourself like you would another person who you are truly in love with. The more you love yourself, the better equipped you will be to love others. And the more love you give, the more you will receive.
  6. Love decreases inflammation, improves your immune system, and can be a potent pain reliever. A recent study from the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research at Ohio State University College of Medicine showed that people who are lonely develop more reactivation of latent viruses than those that are well-connected. Possible mechanisms for these actions include increased release of cytokines, better relaxation and the release of endorphins

If you would like to improve your overall health, which simple action steps are you willing to incorporate into your daily routine ?

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example: Part 3 (Respect)

In part 3 of 5 Lessons about your marriage kids learn by your example has to deal with respect.

In order for your children to learn about respect from you, respect has to be a part of your daily life, and must show up in all areas of your life. Your children will understand the importance of respect by adhering to these principles:

  1. You must have an outward plus an inward respect for people.
  2. You must show respect to your wife, plus your father and mother.
  3. You must show respect to the family pet(s).
  4. You must continue to show respect to your teen children, even though they may show disrespect to you.
  5. You must respect the differences of your children and show them that these differences are important to making the family function effectively
  6. You must respect the special gifts and talents of your children, try not cater, or favor one child’s strengths over the other and put them in the best positions to be successful.

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The question for the day is “How has the issue of respect been a challenge when it comes to raising your children.”

 

Coach Keith

 

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There is no way to prepare for tragedy, but don’t make it worse.

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I meant to blog about this issue, after the attacks on Newtown, CT., but now that a terror attack has hit our country again it’s time to raise the issue.

We can never plan for tragedy as a couple, but when somehow our children are taken away from us it can destroy an already splintered relationship.

In today’s post, an article comes from Kelly Sons a freelance writer of 16 years. She regularly gives lectures on her nonfiction book of women on death row.

   While some couples don’t make it through the loss of a child, many marriages actually survive the tragedy, statistics show. Only 16 percent of all couples that experience the death of a child get divorced. Less than half of those divorced reported the death of their child as a factor in the decision to divorce, according to studies by the parental grief support group “The Compassionate Friends” the nation’s largest bereavement organization.
“There is no question in my mind that the number of marriages that fail is considerably less than 20 percent,” said Wayne Loder, public relations coordinator for Compassionate Friends and father of two children who were killed in a car accident. “We have learned that while the death of a child can strain a marriage it doesn’t usually end in divorce. Most married couples that experience this kind of devastation pull together and some even become stronger.”  

Loder credits the bond that is created between the couple who has lost a child. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges for married couples facing the pain of that loss while trying to maintain a family. Among the issues: how to parent their other children, blame and guilt they may feel themselves or toward their partner or anger because of the loss. It can take two years to begin to heal. Each couple has a different time frame.

“Many factors play into the final effect a child’s death has on a marriage,” Loder said.

Charlotte M. Mathes, psychoanalyst and member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, said a grieving parent may feel unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster of losing a child. She advices couples struggling with a child’s death to consider these tips:

1. REALIZE THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE.
Even if a specific practice or ritual seems very therapeutic and affords one spouse great comfort, it may have the exact opposite effect on the other spouse, causing more sadness. “Grieving differently and being unable to acknowledge or understand the other spouses grief causes the most problems in a marriage,” Loder added.

2. ACCEPT THAT CHANGE IS INEVITABLE AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD.
Responsibilities and routines may change in areas of life related to the lost child but in many other aspects as well Rhonda Hartman, a single mother of three, who lost one of the children, a son, days after his birth, explained; “I couldn’t handle the changes after Bastion’s death. We had to move from the home I’d been pregnant in and I couldn’t understand how I could be expected to do that. Why didn’t people understand?”

3. AVOID PLACING BLAME.
A serious marital trap after the death of a child is placing blame. Feelings of resentment often occur between parents but can be dealt with in a healthy manner. Realize that reasoning is often clouded by grief. Anger is dangerous and hinders healing. Communication techniques such as expressing yourself with phrases like “I feel bad when you say…” instead of “You make me really mad when you say…” keep blame from the conversation.

4. SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
Commonly, men feel loved when they feel they are valued. Women feel love when they are shown compassion. Sex plays a very unique role with each gender. Men often need sex to feel loved by their wife while women may feel that sex is wrong after such a loss, but their need to touch may become more prominent.

5. GET COUNSELING.
From your church, a support group or a professional, counseling can help. For more information on Loder’s group, go to compassionatefriends.com.http://compassionatefriends.com

6. TALK TO EACH OTHER.
Communication is the key. If couples keep talking through the grief and their feelings for one another, the tragedy can actually become an experience that makes the marriage stronger in the long run.

There are no quick fixes for a couple dealing with the death of a child, experts say. Recovering from a child’s death is a long and painful process that only time can facilitate. “I have seen marriages that were in trouble before a child died be repaired through the grieving process,” Loder said.
I will resume 5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example – Part 3 tomorrow. My #ilovestrong prayers go out to all the families that were affected in this tragedy.
Coach Keith
 
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Posted by on April 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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