3 Ways Straight-Talk Can Help Your Marriage

Honey, Does this dress make me look fat? Now that’s a question most of men aren’t willing to tackle because you know that you might have to stretch the truth in order to keep the peace at home. But, your constant stretching may lead you to start doing it on a regular basis. This lack of direct,honest communication may lead to you to not be trusted by your spouse.

How may you ask? Well let’s go back to the dress scenario. Let’s say you answer  like most men do, and tell your spouse she looks wonderful. While your out on the town together, and she catches you looking at other women that walk by,or if you really don’t show her the attention on your date, then she will have a hard trusting you the next time she asks you something important.

According to Stephen Covey’s  The Speed of Trust there are three reasons why it’s important to be truthful and direct when it comes to relating better to your spouse.

Talking straight is the act of being honest. It tells your spouse that if there is any issue or concern she has, she will be able to trust you will give her honest feedback

Talking Straight can help you leave the right impression. – What that means is how you are communicating to her is so clear, there is no room for interpretation on her part.

Talking Straight will save time and aggravation. – Think about all the time and energy you have wasted over your marriage trying to clarify and convince your spouse that you were telling the truth. If you start to develop a posture of straight-talk it will add years to your life.

If you are having a hard time grasping this concept, answer these questions for me.

1. What keeps you from talking straight. What type of fear comes to mine?
2. Are you aware of the type of conversations do you have? How often do you spin?
3. How often do you find yourself explaining your thoughts with your spouse?
4. Would you ask her to give you feedback?

 

If you are having trouble answering these question, it might be time to contact a coach for support.  If that is you, please contact me at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com

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#Throw Back Thursday #1 – 5 Being Single is Better than…

This article I wrote appeared courtesy of Yahoo Style and Your Tango.  I hope you enjoy it.

Whether it’s the holiday season, wedding season or just time for your annual office party, it’s open season for FINALLY (maybe) meeting the love of your life. Or it means that after everything’s said and done, you’ll be starting a whole new year once again checking “single” on your 1040-EZ form.

Fear of being alone can cause people to make bad choices when it comes to relationships. In fact according to a study by the University of Toronto (U of T), the fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships among both men and women.

“Those with stronger fears about being single are willing to settle for less in their relationships,” says lead author Stephanie Spielmann, postdoctoral researcher in the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology. “Sometimes they stay in relationships they aren’t happy in, and sometimes they want to date people who aren’t very good for them.”

She adds, “Now we understand that people’s anxieties about being single seem to play a key role in these types of unhealthy relationship behaviors.”

“In our results we see men and women having similar concerns about being single, which lead to similar coping behaviors, contradicting the idea that only women struggle with a fear of being single,” says co-author, Professor Geoff MacDonald of the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology. “Loneliness is a painful experience for both men and women, so it’s not surprising that the fear of being single seems not to discriminate on the basis of gender.”

So if you’re feeling the pressure to settle, here are some things to remember before you make a bad choice:

1. You are ENOUGH.

The mainstream media is filled with really unhealthy messages regarding relationships. For example, many say that you need another person to make the holidays complete or to make you happy. These romantic notions work great in books and on the Hallmark Channel, but when taken literally, these ideas are super destructive.

You are always a whole and indivisible being, capable of immense self-love, self acceptance and self sexuality. Appreciate yourself and know that you’re not alone in your singleness.

2. You made a choice to be single because you WANT to be single.

Although it sounds ass-backward, this is a paradigm shift that will help you in the long run. By consciously making the choice to be single, if will shift the way you view your life and how you live it when it comes to sharing that information with your co-workers, family and friends. YOU are making this decision, so be proud.

3. You are in control of your life.

Instead of remaining the victim of your own fear of being single, take control! Tell yourself that you are actively remaining single for a the holidays. If you do plan to date every once in a while, make sure the dates are fun and give you ample time to get know someone. There’s no rush and no pressure – JUST fun.

4. Do WHATEVER you want.

In the end your relationship status is a personal choice – there is no right or wrong, no good or bad. Instead of being the victim of cultural assumptions and societal norms, take the time to find out how you really would like to engage with other people.

What kind of status would you choose if there was no pressure, no assumptions? Take your time and find what’s best for you. If you think something is a good idea, then there have already been many others who think the same, and have most likely blazed a trail for you to follow.

The way you engage in relationships (or don’t) is not what’s important – what IS important is doing it consciously, and doing what’s right for YOU!

5. It’s ALWAYS better to be single than in a bad relationship.

Getting into an unhealthy, bad relationship simply out of a fear of being alone is a really bad idea. It takes a lot of courage to take that leap into being single, but it’s always, 100% of the time worth it when the relationship is causing more harm than good.

Guys Explain How To Win On A Date

Do you agree? Does this win over the ladies?

 

The 3 B’s to Restoring Her Trust!

How many times have you betrayed your spouse’s trust. If I asked you that question, you probably would say, “Only a few times, but it wasn’t that bad.” Man, you are fooling yourself.

If I asked your spouse, she would proabably surprise you with the the number of times you have betrayed her. There are instances she just didn’t mention, because it was expected.

One major reason is that we gain our spouse’s trust through our action and not our words. How many times have we missed the boat on that (me included). It could be as simple as forgetting to lock the doors at night, or something more egregious like cheating on your spouse.

Trust must become a verb in your life. What you say will not have the impact you want if there isn’t action behind it. You can tell you wife, you are working on compromising, but if you continue to undermine her point-of-view then you come across as insincere. You can say you put her first, but if you don’t do them, your word have little meaning and trust is destroyed.

Believe you can change.

Countless marriage have been saved, even transformed when the person that violated the trust was able to restore it. It take a change in mindset. It will help if it become a sense of purpose and you spare no effort to please your wife and enjoy her.

Build up the Trust Bank

You have destroyed trust by withdrawing from the trust bank, now you have to put it back. This may take longer than you expect. One reason is the usually the withdrawals are larger than the deposits you put back in and your deposit may also not have a great a value a you realize. For example, if you have the tendency to be late for events that involve your spouse, then all of sudden you turn that around and start to come on time, you may expect a thing to be all good. What you fail to realize is you not coming on time, may mean something deeper than you know yet.

Be patient

And above all else, try not make anymore withdrawals that will erode the progress have already made.

Over the next few week we will examine 13 plays you must do to build back her trust.

If you feel you have exhausted all of your opportunities and you still haven’t regained her trust, contact me at info@strive2succceedcoaching.com. We will come up with a game plan get her trust back and have the relationship you want and need.