A 10-Step Beta Husbands Guide To A Better Marriage

There is a shift going on in marriage today. The rise of the beta husband. As a man, I know you might not have expected to be in this distinct group, but let me help you understand you aren’t alone.

The last study done in 2013 by the Institute of Family Studies showed that among married, heterosexual couples in the U.S., a quarter of wives, or about 15 million, are the primary breadwinners in their family.

There are many challenges that can come with this marriage dynamic. For one, we as men are taught to hang our badge based on what we do in life, not on what we do at home, as well as women who don’t usually get rewarded from bringing home the bacon. In our society, it’s the exact opposite.

Another issue is the assumption that the other partner may have a better situation. The husband may think his wife is going out enjoying lunch and happy hours with fellow co-workers, but not see the stress getting those same co-workers to take her leadership seriously. The woman may feel he’s just hanging out after he drops off the children, but in reality, he is struggling with his self-esteem and identity.

One thing we do know, this new dynamic isn’t going away. As women are given more opportunities to excel corporately and as entrepreneurs, husbands, if you have the ability to stay home, or take a lesser role at work for the benefit of the family, you will have to identify the best way to excel individually and in the marriage.  

If you are having a hard time figuring it out, here is a Ten-Step Beta Husband’s Guide to loving a Type-A wife.

1. Identify your comfortability with your role reversal. I’m sure when you got married, you didn’t expect that you would be scheduling playdates and managing the home. If you don’t like it, or if you are struggling, then be honest. Tell your wife, but even more importantly you will have to come up with a plan. If you don’t you will be stuck in an untenable situation.
2. If you are comfortable with the way the relationship is going, find something you are passionate about and pursue it while managing your other duties. Your alpha wife doesn’t care so much that you aren’t the primary breadwinner. What she does care about is that you’re actively doing something to make you strive to be the best person you can be.
3. Make sure the relationship doesn’t become parental. If you hear phrases like, “You’re like my 3rd child!” or “Do I have to ask you again, Can you please…” then sit your wife down and ask her, “Do you feel like you’re my parent?” If she says, “Yes, sometimes,” then it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship because if she feels this way then you know that sometimes, she’s going to treat you like a child. And the needs you have as her husband are not going to be met.
4. Avoid being isolated. Having a social network is critical to being a beta husband. You just don’t want to feel that you’re managing your life alone and you totally on your wife for support. If you were ever in the situation where your wife is now, remember how that felt. Most of the time, you needed some space just to relax and you wished she had friends to talk to. You need to find the same people in your life that will do the same. And to top it all off your wife is still probably doing more work around the house than you are. So you can’t get angry when she falls asleep from exhaustion.
5. Appeal to your wife’s feminine side.  Your wife may be kickin’ ass and taking names outside the house, but she is still a woman and needs to be reminded of that from time to time, so it’s up to you to do it. So what does that mean as the beta husband you have to put your wife first. Be spontaneous, buy her a gift, or schedule a date for lunch at her office if possible.
6. Push back when warranted. In the office, an alpha woman doesn’t exert her will onto men as they cower in the corner, she is  constantly being challenged, but stand up to their beliefs. At home, they want the same thing. In other words, she wants you to have an opinion. Being a beta husband doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. Remember marriage is about a partnership, teamwork. If you have a conviction about an issue, share it so you can discuss it together.
7. Remind her that you are dependable, responsive, and supportive. In other words, you are there for her, something that her more alpha fantasy man might not be.
8. Figure out the best way to get more chores done. It’s no secret that even when women make more money than us, they still do more housework. That has to be corrected. If you don’t it will cause your spouse to become resentful because in her mind she will say, “You’re not pulling your weight around here.” So figure out the best tool that will help you get projects accomplished. Either create lists or use a project management app whatever works.
9. Create an atmosphere of romance. If romance and sex are important to you, you’ll have to make it a priority. So she makes more money than you, that doesn’t mean she is also going to be the aggressor in the bedroom. You will still have to do those things that put her in the mood. Take note if she is no longer doing those romantic things you need as a husband you should let her know that it’s important to maintain a healthy sex life.
10. Step up so she can step back. No matter what the situation is, whether she has expressed her displeasure in your current situation or not, she is just looking for you to take the pressure off.

In the end if you can figure out some of these details you and your relationship will be headed in the right direction.

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In the Paint – How to Win the Game of Love .  If you need help regaining the respect you have for your spouse, contact him at info@keithdent.com.

4 Ways She Can Mentally Know She Needs You.

The coronavirus not only has been wreaking havoc with our health and our economy, but it has really done a number on our relationships. The social distancing that was put in place for the entire country has done two things. It has either isolated you from your partner thus creating further distance and anxiety, or the attachment has caused constant stress and has forced you to re-evaluate what you need from your partner.

Gentleman, if your relationship has taken a hit and you’re not clear what you need to do to get back on track, here are four things you need to do to back on track and help you understand what she needs.

Open Communication is the first step!

Open communication needs to occur regularly and frequently if you want to get back on track. During this crisis if you haven’t been communicating openly then it may mean to her that the relationship is coming to an end. If you want to start to regain a healthy relationship this is the first order of business.

Open communication will help you strengthen the respect you have for one another. It will also help you be more transparent with your partner.

Open communication will also help you avoid miscommunication because fewer things will go unsaid helping her to become more secure.

Honesty is still the best policy!

During this time being honest with your partner gives you a great deal of comfort. When she trusts you implicitly she can become your best self and vice versa. This will bring back the positive energy that will make your relationship thrive while reducing those future ups and downs.

Start taking responsibility for your part in the relationship! 

Doing this can be a major game-changer for your relationship especially if you were not comfortable doing this in the past. By taking ownership of your actions you are showing you can be vulnerable which in turn can help her do the same. The best way to start taking ownerships is done in 3 Steps:

• Being Self-Aware
• Apologizing
• Understanding what you do affects her

One other thing is that you also have to stop taking the blame for things you didn’t do. It’s counterproductive to the two topics we discussed earlier, open communication and honesty.

Rebuild Trust!

If you are able to the first three things, her trust in you will begin to increase. Some important things that you will need to keep in mind are to make sure you actively listen to her when it comes to open communication because that is the main component.

If you have to apologize for your actions make sure to act on those words.

And finally, be patient don’t beat yourself up if things don’t get better overnight. If you continue to work on your relationship, once the coronavirus has subsided, you will be in a much stronger place.

By taking these four action steps now really repair the damage the coronavirus has done to your relationship. She will truly understand that not only do you physically fill her needs but mentally as well.

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In the Paint – How to Win the Game of Love .  If you need help regaining the respect you have for your spouse, contact him at info@keithdent.com.