If you read my last blog titled How dependent are you? A case study!, you read the story of Tamera and Greg and how one was dependent upon the other. As Tamera continued to get close, he seemed to push her further away. She pushed him so far that even though they both loved each other, in the end it wasn’t going to work.
Everyone has what authors Amir Levine,M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller,M.A. call an attachment style. The three attachment styles are THE SECURE, THE ANXIOUS & THE AVOIDANT.
As an adult you may know exactly who you are. If not, let’s go back in time by figuring out how you would’ve have acted as a baby.
Attachment styles were first defined by researchers observing the way babies usually( 9 to 18 months old) behaved during the strange situation test (a reunion with a parent after a stressful separation.
If you were the anxious baby you were extremely distressed when mommy left the room. When your mother returned, you would react ambivalently, you are happy to see her, but angry at the same time. You take longer to calm down, and even when you do, it is only temporary. A few seconds later, you angrily push mommy away, wriggle down and start crying again.
If you are the secure baby you are also visibly stressed when mommy leaves the room. When mommy returns, you are very happy and eager to greet her. Once in safety of her presence, you are quick to be reassured, calm down. and resume play activity.
If you are the avoidant baby when mommy leaves the room, you act as if nothing has happened. Upon her return, you remain unmoved, ignore her and continue to pay indifferently. This act of yours doesn’t truly tell the whole story. Inside you are neither calm or collected. In fact, your heart is just as elevated as the other two babies.
So which baby are you? Better yet, which baby is your partner? You will find out in the next blog?
Excerpt taken from Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep –Love.