Tag Archives: men
I am a real man
Lord knows it’s hard
Sometimes I just need a woman’s touch
Sweet affection, love and support
When it’s real it’s unconditional
I’m telling y’all
You’re a real woman
Lord knows it’s hard
You need a real man to give you what you need
Sweet attention, love and tenderness
When it’s real, it’s unconditional
I’m telling y’all
We have to do better by the women we call mom, wife girlfriend, sister cousin. Too often, we hear stories about how they are being murdered or abused by a dad, husband, boyfriend, brother or cousin and powerless to do anything about it.
You will always hear about how the victim’s family noticed something that was wrong, or rushed in to take her to a hospital or a shelter.
But what about the abuser’s family. Do they not see the scars of the victim? Do they not see how their male relative wreaks havoc onto his wife and children?
Maybe a blind eye is turned only to come back later with tears and apologies because they did nothing more. Or perhaps, they just didn’t know the signs.
This past week I attended a Domestic Violence Symposium sponsored by the YWCA of Union County, NJ and was startled by some of the things I saw and heard.
One of four women are victims of Domestic Violence and every day, at least 3 women are murdered every day by a husband or boyfriend. So if I had to break this down to its smallest form, all I would have to do was think about a dinner party I attended that same night with the brothers that lived across the street from me. One of their wives’ could possibly be a victim of domestic violence.
How Does It Start.
First there was Joe. He was the oldest brother and we had known each other the longest, thirty years. He was an easy-going guy, the life of the party. His wife on the other hand was very outspoken almost to the point of being mean. How would domestic violence happen in this case? It would start out by verbal altercations that would lead to a slap or a punch. Physical abuse wouldn’t happen right away.
In fact, Denair Huggins, the keynote speaker, at this event explained that’s how her abuse started. If I had heard this was the case with my oldest friend, I would feel compelled to say something if for nothing else to keep him from killing someone and going to jail for the rest of his life. And what do you think he would say? Probably one of two things. He would admit to me, “This will never happen again.” Or tell me to get lost. With this confrontation, the episodes may die down, but without serious intervention or support the violence will only escalate.
I just need to keep my family together.
The I think about Jackson. He was the youngest brother, but he had been married the longest. He had two beautiful children by his wife Diane whom he had dated since college. Because there are children involved and I was their Godfather, it would take every fiber of my being to keep me from inflicting that same punishment he unleashed on his wife. But knowing her, she would not want that. Coming from a family where her parents have been married almost forty years, she would see this as a failure if her family fell apart.
That’s the same reason, Natalie Saveedra used in a recent article in the New York Times only to be stabbed in a murder-suicide by her husband that resulted in her children being raised by relatives instead of their loving home.
I have no Income, what am I going to do.
I finally think about Jameson who is now the sole income provider. 98% of domestic abuse cases also involve some sort of financial abuse. This type of abuse takes on 3 types.
- Economic Control where the abuser makes all the important decisions when it comes to finances.
- Employment Sabotage where the abuser makes it impossible for the victim to maintain employment because the abuser consistently makes a scene or several until she finally quits amidst embarrassment
- Economic exploitation where the victims credit gets destroyed because the abuser ruined it by taking out lines of credit in their name.
One of the scenarios may be impacting your family right now. We can’t sit by and watch our sister’s-in-law, mother’s-in-law fall prey the males we are closest to abuse their spouses.
We have to help our men to understand and admit their behavior is a problem. Not only for them, but for their families and our communities.
They must take responsibility for their actions and put the work in if they want to change their behavior. And just like we stand by the victim, we must also stand by the abuser and get them the help they need. Before it’s too late.
If you have ever watched, or played a basketball game, there is a place on the court that is called “The Paint.” It’s the rectangular area on the court contained within the key. The key is the area that encompasses the middle of the floor underneath the basket. It is often shaded, which explains the origin of the word, and always has a semi-circle attached on the short side opposite the basket.
In a basketball game this is the area where the big boys play. It’s also one of the most important areas on the basketball court. There is lots of bumping, shoving, and pushing in the paint. It’s also the place where you can get rebounds and score easy baskets. If you can’t master this area in a basketball game, you are less likely to win.
Being in a marriage there is similar to Playing In the Paint. In marriage, there are seven qualities that make it similar to this important part of basketball.
- When You Play in the Paint, you have to know your strengths. Dennis Rodman knew he was a great rebounder, and he worked on his craft to make sure he was an asset to his team. In marriage, you need to know your strengths as well as the strength of your partner, to ensure you are pushing each other to be their best self.
- When You Play in the Paint, you have to be able to trust your teammate. The Boston Celtics of the 80’s are considered one of the top frontcourt tandem of all time. They had ferocious grace and skill, but their best characteristic was they had each other’s back on the court. When you are marriage, you are competing against so much; work, the kids, outside pressures, that you have to be able to trust each other no matter what.
- When You Play in the Paint you will get angry. Some of the biggest fights, visible or not will happen in the painted area. It happens when you are in close proximity to each other. Marriage is no different. You are in close proximity to you spouse for the rest of you life. It’s normal. The most important part is how you handle your anger.
- When You Play in the Paint you have to be able to talk. It’s the job of the other team to screen and shield you from their player, so they can score. In order to play defense effectively, you will have to be able to communicate. In marriage, communication is the lifeblood to any marriage in order to establish goals and avoid any obstacles that may get in the way of being fulfilled,
- When You Play in the Paint you create an identity. The Detroit Pistons of the 90’s where also called the BAD BOYS, because they were known for playing hard nosed basketball and inflicting pain on their court to help provide and edge. In marriage, you want to create a set of core beliefs and principles that you will live by. This will clearly help move in the same direction as your marriage progresses. It was also help you establish a set of principles to pass down once the kids arrive.
- When You Play in the Paint you have to be able to defend. Akeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson, aka The Twin Towers, made it almost impossible for offiensive players to score down low. In marriage you have to have a great defense if you are going to make it. In this instance, defense means the ability to handle your finances. If you struggle in this area, you will struggle in marriage.
- When You Play in the Paint you develop a special bond. The chemistry among the members that play in the paint can be very fulfilling. This play is taken for granted in a typical basketball game today, since centers are no longer the focal point of the team. In reality, these players are the unsung heroes of any team. In marriage, your sexual bond, is very important, but it is often taken for granted especially when the children, your career and take precedent. By paying attention to this important aspect can help you keep your marriage fresh and interesting.
Excerpts from this blog is taken from Coach Keith’s upcoming new book In the Paint, How to Win at the Game of Love. If you are in reserving your copy, e-mail him at email@example.com.
Have you ever wondered when you ask your man a question, or ask him to express his opinion on an important family topic, he gives you the deer in head lights look? In fact wives often feel ignored by their husbands. “He just says mm-hmm, as if he’s listening to me while I’m talking and he’s watching sports.” Why does this occur? This may be due to how the majority of men are raised.
Sports is a place where men begin to experiment true intimacy. According to William Pollack, author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, sports do at least one thing that other activities don’t do. They offer an easily accessible arena in which society’s structures about masculinity are loosened. It is here on the playing field, in the locker room, on the court that boys can show unbounded expression and can be emotionally intimate with other males. They can hug, cry and chest bump without a moment’s worth of self-consciousness.
Sports also give you a clear idea where you stand in the pecking order. You know you are considered one of the best players on the team based on the fact that you are a starter. Their coach, or even their teammates selected them to be captain, which is one of the highest honors you can have as a young man. In shows him he is entrusted with the responsibility of lifting his teammates spirits when the obstacles become challenging.
As he gets older, those actions and feelings lessen as he transitions to manhood and join the ranks of the adult world of work and family. Your man will find other ways to maintain those exuberant feelings by becoming a rabid sports fan. The sports team he began watching as a kid somehow becomes part of his make-up, as if he is part of the team. He will follow every news article, Twitter feed, and sports talk show to keep up with the . When their teams win, they celebrate with them. When their teams lose, they take it harder than the players do.
So if your husband is into sports, you have to treat your marriage like it’s his favorite NBA player and use certain terminology that he will be able to understand.
Treat your man like he is the #1 pick.
When LeBron James was selected as the #1 pick by the Cleveland Cavaliers, he single-handedly transformed the city over night. On the night he was selected, they showered the Gund arena in Cleveland with glitter instead of torn tickets thrown in frustration from the upper deck. People stood and cheered. They hugged. They held up LeBron promotional fliers. Concession workers began selling James” wine- and-gold Cavaliers” jersey at $50 a pop.
It was excited because even though Cleveland hadn’t won a championship yet, LeBron represented Chance. Hope. Faith.
When you choose to say “I Do”, you are in essence telling your husband that he is the #1 pick and together you will be able to create a stable environment for you and your family during good times and bad. It will be essential that you create an All-In mentality, which means establishing mutual goals the two of you will work to achieve.
Know his strengths and weaknesses.
Elite players in any sport understand what they believe to be their strengths and their weaknesses. What they do is focus on playing to their strengths and improving their short comings. Part of making your husband feel comfortable is understanding his personality. The difference between dating and marriage is the fact that not only will you see his greatness, but also his idiosyncrasies. If some of those negative tendencies don’t mesh with the culture you are trying to establish as a team, there will be conflict. If you don’t address the conflict, you team can become disbanded before it really starts.
Establish a circle of trust.
Michael Jordan didn’t win a championship until his 7th year in the NBA. One of the biggest reasons was because he didn’t trust his teammates.
In an 1991 article in the Baltimore Sun, Horace Grant explained why it was so hard for Michael to get over this hurdle. “When we first got here, he didn’t have the confidence in us for us to make the big shots,” Grant said. “But since we’ve grown over the years together, he knows that in order for us to become champions, he’s got to get everybody involved. He has confidence in us, so that’s enabled us to go to the basket a lot stronger and not worry about missing shots and things.”
In a marriage, there are no words more important that trust. In a marriage, trust is one of the most powerful forms of motivation, and inspiration. Your spouse wants to be trusted. He responds to your trust. He thrives on your trust. Whatever your situation, you have to be good at establishing, extending and restoring trust. – not as a means of manipulation, but as the most effective way of relating to and working with each other.
Sometimes during a game you have to call a Time out.
Timeouts are a crucial part of a basketball game and can be the difference between going home with a win or a loss. Every team must learn at what stage of the game their time-out will have the best impact for success. There are several reasons why you may need to call a time out. You might have loss confidence in each other, you might just need to talk about establishing a different strategy as a couple, or you just may need a break from the pressures of marriage and family.
Calling a timeout in your marriage will never show up over the course of your marriage journey, but it will still have an enormous impact.. Of course,not realizing you need a timeout also have an enormous impact as well. Remember it’s your team it’s your call!
Utilizing these simple concepts in your marriage can have an enormous impact on your husband and can be the difference between success and failure. Especially if he is a sports fan.
If you having challenges reaching your husband and need help, inbox me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Some of these concepts are covered in Coach Keith’s upcoming new book In the Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love.
Just when you think the game is all over, a miracle happens. Yesterday, in the region of New England, the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots pulled out the most improbable wins in their games yesterday. According to ESPN Boston, with 1:20 seconds left in the game, the New England Patriots had a 5.3% chance of winning the game, while the Boston Red Sox after not even remotely scoring a run had a 3.8% chance to win trailing the Detroit Tigers 5-1 in the 8th inning.
In dating, I am sure there have been times where you decided there was no hope in finding a partner and felt that it was time to give up. In fact , according to the 2012 study by the National Center for Health Statistics, over 40% of women and 16% men will have never marry and get the feeling that it’s time to just focus on my career or being the best aunt and uncle I can be. When you are In the Trenches and feel that way, think about these two games and these 4 tips that will help you to never give up.
Tip #1 – Have a game plan and stick to it.
If you are dating on your own, or have turned to on-line dating, have a game plan for the type of partner that compliments you and not completes you because you are already complete, and stick to it. The longer you go without a partner the tendency you have to stay with the first one that shows just a little interest even though he/she isn’t right for you. This weekend I came across a Amy Webb from a Ted Talk episode that did made sure she stuck to her guns.
Tip #2 – It takes only one.
We always think that we have to meet so many men/women in order to find the one. In reality, you only need to meet one, but he/she just has to be the right one. So if you put your best foot forward, and over time if you can minimize your anxious/avoidant behavior. (See my Attachment Series)
Tip #3 – Never Give Up.
Despite what the your fans (family & friends) may it will never happen, you have to keep believing it will. It may take months, or years, but once it does, you will be overjoyed when it does. Just ask the RED SOX and Patriots Fans last night.
If you are in the trenches, can you remember a time when you thought there was no chance you would be in a relationship? I would love to hear your story.