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Couples Conversation – Will Relationships Change in a Post-Covid World?

 

When a COVID Vaccine is finally found, how will it impact the world of relationships, dating, and Sex?

Will we go back to the invisible labor that women have had to do for so long behind the scenes that have been totally brought into the open for many families during this pandemic?

Will couples no longer rush to cohabitate, because the ability to experiment and form relationships has been severely curtailed?

Will Zoom dating and Zoom sex become the norm?

All important things to think about as cases begin to rise as the pandemic lingers.

What do you think?

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love. If you like leave a comment, or reach out at info@keithdent.com if you are having challenges in your relationship and dating life.

 

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2020 in iLoveStrong QoTD

 

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13 Ways to Show Your Girl You Love Her, When The Cash is Low!

Hey Single Men! Last night you may have met the one, but you know you will have to do something different to let her know your true feelings. Then you suddenly opened your Bank App and realized you might not have the funds to do so. So, are you going to still shy away from asking from taking your relationship to the next level romantically because you think you need a lot of money in order to take the woman you love out on the perfect kind of dates?

You don’t have to worry about that.

Get some great tips by clicking on this article 13 Cheap, Yet Fun Romantic Ideas to sweep her off her feet.

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2019 in In the Paint

 

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Are You Ready?

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S2S Question of the Day! – Healthy Relationships

The question of the Day has to do with Healthy Relationships!

In a study from the University of Chicago, researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other’s good news matters too. In a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each other’s good news—either with excitement, pride, or indifference—is crucial in forming a strong bond.

So the question of the day is What does a Healthy Relationship look like? What components are necessary?

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2016 in Question of the Day, Uncategorized

 

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Start Your New Relationship Today!

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Posted by on September 21, 2016 in Empowerment Wednesday

 

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S2S song of the Night – Hey Laura! Gregory Porter – Missed Opportunities

When it comes to love & relationships, we miss out on so many opportunities and there are 7 reasons why?

1. We get desperate and settle.
2.We go for Mr. Wrong and we let Mr. Right pass us by.
3. We get caught up into the game and not the reality.
4. We want it all too soon.
5. We are afraid. Can this really be true.
6. We expected too much.
7. If only we could change him/her a little to fit what we need.

The type of mistakes may cause you to feel how Gregory Porter feels about Laura. If that is you check out Coach Keith and schedule a chat session.

Hey Laura it’s me sorry but I had to ring your doorbell so late

But there’s something bothering me I really am sorry but it just couldn’t wait
Is there someone else instead of me go ahead and lie to me
And I will believe your not in love with him
And this bloke can see, that the rivers of your love flow up here to me

 
 

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Don’t let the Holidays force you into bad choices.

ImageNow that Thanksgiving is over, we are quickly moving to the Christmas holidays and ringing in 2014. So that means countless office parties, winter weddings and holiday soirees, What that also means is that means another opportunity to meet the love of your life, or to end another year where you will check “single” on your 1040-EZ form.

Fear of being alone can cause people to make bad choices when it comes to relationships. In fact according to a  new study by the University of Toronto (U of T) study has found published in the December edition of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships among both men and women.

“Those with stronger fears about being single are willing to settle for less in their relationships,” says lead author Stephanie Spielmann, postdoctoral researcher in the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology. “Sometimes they stay in relationships they aren’t happy in, and sometimes they want to date people who aren’t very good for them.” She adds, “Now we understand that people’s anxieties about being single seem to play a key role in these types of unhealthy relationship behaviors.”

“In our results we see men and women having similar concerns about being single, which lead to similar coping behaviors, contradicting the idea that only women struggle with a fear of being single,” says co-author, Professor Geoff MacDonald of the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology. “Loneliness is a painful experience for both men and women, so it’s not surprising that the fear of being single seems not to discriminate on the basis of gender.”

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So if you fill the tug at your heart to settle for someone who might not be worthy of your time, Here are some tips to avoid a potential bad choice.

  1. Educate yourself! The mainstream media this time of year is filled with really unhealthy messages regarding relationships, for example that you need another person to make the holidays complete. These romantic notions work great in books and the Hallmark channel but are highly destructive if taken literally. You are always a whole and indivisible being, capable of immense self-love, self acceptance and self sexuality.
  2. Tell yourself you are making a choice to be single! This is a paradigm shift that may help you in the long run. By consciously making the choice, if will shift the way you view your life and how you live it when it comes to sharing it with your co-workers, family and friends.
  3. Be self disciplined! Instead of remaining the victim of your own fear of being single, take control! Tell yourself that you will actively remain single for a the holidays. If you do plan to date, try to make sure the dates give are fun and give you ample time to get know someone.
  4. Do what you want! In the end your relationship status is a personal choice, there is no right or wrong, no good or bad. Instead of being the victim of cultural assumptions and societal norms, take the time to find out how you really would like to engage with other people. What kind of status would you choose if there was no pressure, no assumptions? Take your time and find what’s best for you. If you think something is a good idea then there have already been many others who think the same, and have most likely blazed a trail for you to follow. The way you engage in relationships, or don’t is not what’s important, the important thing is doing in consciously, and doing what’s right for YOU!
  5. It’s ALWAYS better to be single than to start a bad relationship! There’s not much more to say here. Getting into,or an unhealthy, bad relationship simply out of a fear of being alone is a really bad idea. It takes a lot of courage to take that leap into being single, but it’s always, 100% of the time worth it when the relationship is causing more harm than good.

Strivers has there ever been a time where you wanted to get into a relationship out of fear of being alone? What did you do to avoid it?

Let’s make the holiday season a great one.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2013 in For My Single Peeps.

 

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In the Trenches – Never Give UP!

Just when you think the game is all over, a miracle happens. Yesterday, in the region of New England, the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots pulled out the most improbable wins in their games yesterday. According to ESPN Boston, with 1:20 seconds left in the game, the New England Patriots had a 5.3% chance of winning the game, while the Boston Red Sox after not even remotely scoring a run had a 3.8% chance to win trailing the Detroit Tigers 5-1 in the 8th inning.

In dating, I am sure there have been times where you decided there was no hope in finding a partner and felt that it was time to give up. In fact , according to the 2012 study by the National Center for Health Statistics, over 40% of women and 16% men will have never marry and get the feeling that it’s time to just focus on my career or being the best aunt and uncle I can be. When you are In the Trenches and feel that way, think about these two games and these 4 tips that will help you to never give up.

Tip #1 – Have a game plan and stick to it.  

If you are dating on your own, or have turned to on-line dating, have a game plan for the type of partner that compliments you and not completes you because you are already complete, and stick to it. The longer you go without a partner the tendency you have to stay with the first one that shows just a little interest even though he/she isn’t right for you. This weekend I came across a Amy Webb from a Ted Talk episode that did made sure she stuck to her guns.

Tip #2 – It takes only one.

We always think that we have to meet so many men/women in order to find the one. In reality, you only need to meet one, but he/she just has to be the right one. So if you put your best foot forward, and over time if you can minimize your anxious/avoidant behavior. (See my Attachment Series)

Tip #3 – Never Give Up.

031021soxfan2Despite what the your fans (family & friends) may it will never happen, you have to keep believing it will. It may take months, or years, but once it does, you will be overjoyed when it does. Just ask the RED SOX and Patriots Fans last night.

If you are in the trenches, can you remember a time when you thought there was no chance you would be in a relationship?  I would love to hear your story.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2013 in In the Trenches, Uncategorized

 

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Does your man make you feel trapped without escape?

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If you are an anxious woman and you are dating a man whose M.O. is to constantly avoid intimacy it may feel like a trap without an escape hatch.

Consider this example, you are dating a guy for 6 months and you experience the same disagreements over and over. You are constantly complaining about his obsession with staying in contact with his former girlfriends on Twitter, while he can’t stand when you are checking up on him every time he goes out with his boys. He feels you have separation anxiety and are too jealous. He makes sure that you know it as well. And you know, he is right. You, as a person that has an anxious attachment style can’t control it when these feelings are activated.

Being in this type of relationship is like riding a stationary bike. You are constantly peddling, but going nowhere.When it comes to intimacy and closeness, you are dealing with opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to an anxious-avoidant couple. When one person, “the anxious” tries to get closer, the other “the avoidant” does everything in its power to squash those feelings. According to Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached., the closer the anxious tries to get, the more distant the avoidant acts. To make matters worse, one partner’s constant need for closeness further reinforces the other’s need to pull away.The type of relational is a vicious cycle and they both remain in the relationship “danger zone”.

Are you in this zone? Here’s what your relationship constantly feels like:

  • indexThe Kinda Qa effect – you will never feel like your relationship is solid. When he decides that he wants to feel close to you, which will mostly involve sex, he will do so. This will activate your intimacy levels to a high level each and every time, only for him to pull pack which will leave the thrill ride over.
  • Be prepared for your self-esteem to take a hit. – In order to exert their independence and power, avoidants will say and do things that negatively affect your self-esteem leaving you feeling need and incapable.
  • If your relationship lasts, you will constantly question if the grass is greener.
  • You will fight about everything else except what you should. – All your fights will be about little things with the undertone of why we aren’t closer.
  • You feel lonely in the inner circle. – You will be dismayed why you are treated like a pariah, when you should be treated like royalty.

How these characteristics translate to your dating reality.

Even though you have fallen in love with this avoidant man, you will find that it’s almost impossible to receive the same love back without conditions.

  1. You will make concessions to the boundaries that are drawn – Your man will have specific rules that you will have to maintain in order for the relationship to exist.
  2. Your intimacy differences will spillover to every aspect of your shared life;from the way you sleep together to how your raise your kids. With every new relationship development the intimacy gap may get wider and wider.
  3. Conflict is often left unresolved to maintain the boundary. In order to resolve any conflict, both parties must create a certain amount of closeness in order to achieve it. While that a sought after emotion for the anxious, it’s uncomfortable for the avoidant.
  4. With every conflict situation you lose more ground with your avoidant man. As you try to reach out to reconcile with him,  he meets you with more hostility.

The trap without the escape continues and any hope of a normal, intimate solid relationship is washed down the drain.

In order to move toward more security, in the next blog we will provide ways for this type of couple to feel less threatened figure out how to activate/deactivate those core emotions to get out of the “danger zone”.

What are your thoughts on this matter? How has your man made you feel trapped?

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on August 10, 2013 in Attachment Series

 

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Everyone can have Secure Partner! The question is do you want one?

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Before I met, PG there was someone in my life that I actually adored. I really thought that she was “the one”, and I never could figure out, why she wasn’t.

We are good friends to this day and she was able to find the person that was right for her, but with the invention of FACEBOOK,  I was curious why we didn’t work out? Simply put, she wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I could provide; stable, secure, BORING.

Everyone can have a partner that is very secure about the relationship. The question is, do you want that type of person in your life? In this age of reality TV, and constant news coverage, it may be hard to fathom being with someone who has a secure relationship style. Due to the lack of drama in their life, it can be perceived they are emotionless, even boring. Quite the contrary, if you have an avoidant attachment style, or and anxious attachment style, a secure person is exactly the person you should seek.

Here’s why:

People that are secure have Buffering Powers.

According to Patrick Keelan as part of his doctoral dissertation from the University of Toronto found that individuals with a secure attachment style are more satisfied in their relationships, but what is even greater about them is they are able to decrease their partner’s insecure relationship satisfaction level.

What you see is not usually what you get!

Individuals with secured attachment styles come in all shapes and sizes. The might be the life of the party, but also the biggest wallflower in the room. One thing is for certain, they can handle any relationship as if it’s by magic.

They possess these superpowers that other attachment styles just can’t master.

  1. Can diffuse most conflicts – during a fight, they don’t get defensive, and don’t try to escalate a situation by injuring or punishing their partner.
  2. Mentally flexible – not threatened by criticism and can revise their beliefs or strategies if necessary.
  3. Effective communicators – they are naturals at expressing their feelings freely and accurately.
  4. Don’t play games – They want closeness, so if you are down with that..Step up.
  5. They enjoy closeness  for what it is. – And aren’t afraid of it, which is difficult for the anxious if the closeness isn’t t their standards, or the avoid ants, who will bolt at the nearest indication of it.
  6. Find it easy to forgive – Feel their partner’s intentions are good, even when they mess up.
  7. They don’t try and separate intimacy and sex.
  8. If you are in their inner circle, you are treated as such.
  9. Secure in their power to improve the relationship.
  10. Responsible for their partner’s well-being.

You won’t have time to make up you mind.

A person with a secured attachment style will naturally gravitate toward those people who make them happy. They will not fall prey to the emotional highs and lows that plague anxious individuals and they will not project a false fantasy that you are “the one” and then pull the rug from under your feet when you decide to show your true feelings.

Because they are effective communicators, they will let you know how they feel about you. It will be up to you to determine if you are ready to go the distance. They will take the chance.

So if you  are one of non-secure attachment styles, you must decide very early into the relationship if you can handle that because they will not be around very long for you to make up your mind.

Don’t take Secureds for granted.

You make think you have hit the lottery, when you are able to finally have that secured stable man/woman that you have longed for all your life. But don’t be fooled, you will have to make a concerted effort to move to a more secure frame of mind, which will take some work on your part. You will know if you have pushed things too far, if your once secured partner has taken on the traits that you possess. Let’s hope that never happens.

What do you think about this topic? Have you ever pushed someone who seemed secure out of your life based on your attachment style? If you were able to get them back, how did you do it? I would love to hear?

Coach Keith

 

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