Fun Friday – Marriage Conflict

Is the conflict in your marriage this bad, where you argue about the littlest things?

 

 

 

Have a great weekend and enjoy the weather!

Coach Keith

3 tips to keep a good marriage from going adrift!

Good marriages are like a relaxing canoe ride when the winds are calm and the lake water is as smooth as glass. You just have to be careful you don’t drift.

Like that canoe, marriages often drift. There’s no obvious conflict or struggle, just subtle distractions that lull spouses to asleep. Couples hardly notice they’re losing interest in one another until they end up somewhere they never intended to be.

So how do you keep your marriage from going adrift.

1.  Chart the course of your marriage in the early years.
2. You need both paddles in order for the marriage to do in the right direction. –  Your marriage will take both of you doing equal work. Not the same work, but equal work in order for the marriage to stay on course. If one person, stops paddling the marriage will begin to flounder in circles.
3. At some point you may have to drop anchor or ask for life-preservers. – Even if you know the direction you want to go in your marriage, and you are both working to try to  get there, it just may be leaking. That’s when you have to throw out the anchor or the life-preserver. Get the support you need from a coach that can help you through the winds and current that wasn’t expected.

 When was the last time your marriage was adrift? What did you do to get it back on course?

Coach Keith

 

Excerpt from JimDalyblog.com

5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example: Part 5 (Endurance)

In the final segment of the 5 lessons about your marriage kids learn by example deals with the subject of endurance. Endurance is one of the most important skills you will need in marriage, but is seldom discussed when you say “I Do”.

In today’s world, it is acceptable to move on when things aren’t working, but what are we teaching our kids? When we tell our kids, “Hang in there, don’t give up,” they look at us confused based on our actions never finishing what we start.

If you want to leave a legacy of endurance in your marriage, here are 3 ways you can teach endurance to your children.

Have endurance when it comes to Education.

If you have returned to school, or are striving for a Master’s degree. Show your kids endurance. One of the things, I most admired about my wife was that she finished her degree, while working a full-time job plus being pregnant. It’s very easy to give up especially when you have a full-time job and a family to just stop. By hanging in there to finish what you have started will show your kids that when obstacles stand in their way, they can overcome them if they keep working hard.

Have endurance when it comes to mundane tasks.

Not everything in our lives are thrilling and exciting. Most of our daily lives consist of little mundane tasks that must be done in order to get to the exciting things. Jobs like, cutting the grass, taking out the trash, or fix-it projects around the house might not leave you with the sense of accomplishment.

Remember, it’s better to show your kids that you can finishing the job instead of starting something new.

Have endurance when others criticize you.

If you are in a leadership position, you are going to receive criticism. If you can overcome criticism and still make the right decisions and maintain your integrity, it will have immeasurable effects.

When they have to make tough decisions, hopefully they will have the skills and the strength to choose wisely based on the examples you have shown them in your life rather than succumb to peer pressure.

In the end, if we can provide examples of Love, Respect, Integrity, Giving, and Endurance when it’s time for them to establish their own family you will leave a lasting legacy.

5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example: Part 4 (Giving)

Part 4 of our 5 part series of 5 Lessons about your marriage kids learn by your example has to do with Giving.

One of the most important ways, that our kids will follow our example is how we Give.

Our kids at an early age understand the word Get, especially when they see us purchase anything we want, or if anytime they ask for something and we buy it for them.

What we truly don’t understand is that our kids truly enjoy how much we give them versus how much we get them.

Let me explain. There are three crucial things that we can give, that will carry over into their own marriages when they have kids.

When you give them Thanks

Our kids will watch us, especially when you give thank them. Our kids feel empowered when we thank them for doing something out of the ordinary, or even more simply for being themselves. This will be helpful as our kids get to their teen years because their identity is constantly being challenged. If they get a sense from you that you value who they are it will provide confidence and self-esteem.

When you give them Time.

This is also  important, but can be very challenging. Uninterrupted time is something we take for granted, but what our kids cherish the most. Imagine, if you gave each of your kids 1 hour of devoted time every day for them to do whatever they wanted. That can be a challenge for anyone. One thing, my wife and I do is give each of our children their own vacation by themselves. I can say, those opportunities have been the most memorable for all of them and it has truly allowed us to know them as individuals.

When you show them how to give out of your wallet.

By donating to a cause you believe in, whether it be your church or a non-profit organization it will help your kids understand that earning a living doesn’t mean that you buy things just for yourself. You should systematically sacrifice it to give to others in need.

 

More important to give things than to have things.

When show them how to give of yourself.

Your kids will definitely watch how you extend yourself to neighbors. Take the time to get to know them, at least their names, and their children’s names. At some point, invite them over to dinner. You will be amazed how beneficial this will be for your neighbors; for your kids and even to you.

 

5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example: Part 3 (Respect)

In part 3 of 5 Lessons about your marriage kids learn by your example has to deal with respect.

In order for your children to learn about respect from you, respect has to be a part of your daily life, and must show up in all areas of your life. Your children will understand the importance of respect by adhering to these principles:

1. You must have an outward plus an inward respect for people.
2. You must show respect to your wife, plus your father and mother.
3. You must show respect to the family pet(s).
4. You must continue to show respect to your teen children, even though they may show disrespect to you.
5. You must respect the differences of your children and show them that these differences are important to making the family function effectively
6. You must respect the special gifts and talents of your children, try not cater, or favor one child’s strengths over the other and put them in the best positions to be successful.

 

 

The question for the day is “How has the issue of respect been a challenge when it comes to raising your children.”

 

Coach Keith

There is no way to prepare for tragedy, but don’t make it worse.

I meant to blog about this issue, after the attacks on Newtown, CT., but now that a terror attack has hit our country again it’s time to raise the issue.

We can never plan for tragedy as a couple, but when somehow our children are taken away from us it can destroy an already splintered relationship.

In today’s post, an article comes from Kelly Sons a freelance writer of 16 years. She regularly gives lectures on her nonfiction book of women on death row.

   While some couples don’t make it through the loss of a child, many marriages actually survive the tragedy, statistics show. Only 16 percent of all couples that experience the death of a child get divorced. Less than half of those divorced reported the death of their child as a factor in the decision to divorce, according to studies by the parental grief support group “The Compassionate Friends” the nation’s largest bereavement organization.

“There is no question in my mind that the number of marriages that fail is considerably less than 20 percent,” said Wayne Loder, public relations coordinator for Compassionate Friends and father of two children who were killed in a car accident. “We have learned that while the death of a child can strain a marriage it doesn’t usually end in divorce. Most married couples that experience this kind of devastation pull together and some even become stronger.”  

Loder credits the bond that is created between the couple who has lost a child. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges for married couples facing the pain of that loss while trying to maintain a family. Among the issues: how to parent their other children, blame and guilt they may feel themselves or toward their partner or anger because of the loss. It can take two years to begin to heal. Each couple has a different time frame.

“Many factors play into the final effect a child’s death has on a marriage,” Loder said.

Charlotte M. Mathes, psychoanalyst and member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, said a grieving parent may feel unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster of losing a child. She advices couples struggling with a child’s death to consider these tips:

1. REALIZE THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE.
Even if a specific practice or ritual seems very therapeutic and affords one spouse great comfort, it may have the exact opposite effect on the other spouse, causing more sadness. “Grieving differently and being unable to acknowledge or understand the other spouses grief causes the most problems in a marriage,” Loder added.

2. ACCEPT THAT CHANGE IS INEVITABLE AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD.
Responsibilities and routines may change in areas of life related to the lost child but in many other aspects as well.  Rhonda Hartman, a single mother of three, who lost one of the children, a son, days after his birth, explained; “I couldn’t handle the changes after Bastion’s death. We had to move from the home I’d been pregnant in and I couldn’t understand how I could be expected to do that. Why didn’t people understand?”

3. AVOID PLACING BLAME.
A serious marital trap after the death of a child is placing blame. Feelings of resentment often occur between parents but can be dealt with in a healthy manner. Realize that reasoning is often clouded by grief. Anger is dangerous and hinders healing. Communication techniques such as expressing yourself with phrases like “I feel bad when you say…” instead of “You make me really mad when you say…” keep blame from the conversation.

4. SHOW YOUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
Commonly, men feel loved when they feel they are valued. Women feel love when they are shown compassion. Sex plays a very unique role with each gender. Men often need sex to feel loved by their wife while women may feel that sex is wrong after such a loss, but their need to touch may become more prominent.

5. GET COUNSELING.
From your church, a support group or a professional, counseling can help. For more information on Loder’s group, go to compassionatefriends.com.http://compassionatefriends.com

6. TALK TO EACH OTHER.
Communication is the key. If couples keep talking through the grief and their feelings for one another, the tragedy can actually become an experience that makes the marriage stronger in the long run.

There are no quick fixes for a couple dealing with the death of a child, experts say. Recovering from a child’s death is a long and painful process that only time can facilitate. “I have seen marriages that were in trouble before a child died be repaired through the grieving process,” Loder said.

I will resume 5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example – Part 3 tomorrow. My #ilovestrong prayers go out to all the families that were affected in this tragedy.

Coach Keith

5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example: Part 2 (Integrity)

In part 2 of 5 Lessons about your marriage kids learn by example is dealing with integrity. As parent, we can’t always choose the type of influence we have on our kids. We can influence them negatively, or positively. So the best thing we can do is to remain true to ourselves. But we must realize how our integrity plays a part in influencing their lives.

Integrity to our spouse. 

In your wedding vows, you usually shout, or some of you reluctantly utter these words, “I take you to be my husband or wife to death do us part.” Currently, only a little more than  half of us take that part of our vows seriously. We live in a society that says, “If it’s broke, don’t fix it, get a new model.”

There may be circumstances that you choose as the reason to get divorce, but you may be showing your kids that if it’s okay to quit divorce, then it’s okay to quit almost anything in your life.

When we decide to get married and then move on to have a family, we are making not only a promise to our wife/husband, but to our kids that we will do whatever it takes to keep the family intact. Since we as human beings aren’t perfect and make mistakes, we may have to work very hard to ensure our children that we won’t  hold those mistakes against our spouses.  

Integrity in our promises to our kids.

Another way our kids learn about integrity is when we make promises to our kids. If we promise to take them on vacation, attend their extra-curricular activity, check their homework, we better keep those promises. When we break them, it shows our kids that integrity isn’t important and it chips away at the type of integrity they should have for themselves. .

Integrity for people in authority.

Finally, the way we talk about people in authority; our President, our public officials, our bosses show our children the type of integrity we have for them. We can teach our kids about integrity not just by what we say, but what we don’t say. Has there ever been a time where your kids repeated something negative you said about someone else?

Are you living a life of integrity for your kids? As an iLoveStrong reader, what are some changes do you have to make to ensure you do?

Discussion Saturday – Marital Conflict

According to research done by Drs. John and Julie Gottman marital conflict is 69% of conflict in marriage is perpetual. Meaning it has no resolution because it’s based on lasting differences in personalities and needs.

So the #iLoveStrong question of the day. How do you deal with issues that constantly come up in your marriage. Can you discuss them gently with your spouse or do you live in a state of “gridlock”, a painful impasse?

Fun Friday – Too Much Social Media Could Hurt your Marriage!

Bernie Hogan of the University of Oxford’s Internet Institute said in a statement at the Annual Conference of the British Psychological Society.

He found that more media use in love can be a sign of a strong marriage — but only up until a certain point. There seems to be “a cut-off point” after which the upkeep of so many separate channels gets cumbersome and might undermine relationship ties.

On this Fun Friday..Here is a couple that have obviously reached their breaking point with the use of social media.

5 Lessons of about your Marriage kids learn by your example: Part 1(Love)

Believe it or not, our kids are learning about marriage through our example, and not what we say about marriage. With that said, this new 5-part series will focus on how we can teach kids the keys to a strong marriage by the examples we show them in our own marriage.

The first way of course is by how we LOVE. Saying, “I Love you.” isn’t enough especially since our children go through several stages of development.

When a child is an infant, you need to show love immediately and it needs to come from both parents. Since they haven’t begun to talk yet, it’s important that they get to know your both your voices, you both hold them and you both take the time to interact with them.

Around age 2, you will need to discipline them as a part of love. If you train the child early and often, hopefully they will continue to live the lessons you have taught them when you are apart.

At around age 10, you children learn the importance of your love when you spend time with them. If there are certain activities/interests you see that your children are passionate about, do as much as possible to acknowledge their passion and promote opportunities to follow it.

When your kids reach the pre-teen level their mode of thinking tends to be black/white? the love you show for your spouse will really be important because that will be the time when kids are trying to form positive relationships themselves. Showing your spouse outward displays of Love in a respectful way will help them to model how they should be treated as they enter their relationships.

So the #iLoveStrong question for the day is, what outwardly ways do you show your children that you Love them and your spouse?

Coach Keith