Amidst the Chaos comes Change.

In the individualistic society of the United States, it’s hard to think that you are connected to your partner in so many ways. If you really think about it, your lives intersect physically, socially, financially, emotionally, domestically and spiritually just to name a few. Yet, when problems occur in our marriage, we will usually feel that our partner is to blame. We will throw up our hands and say, “There is nothing I can do about it.”

I totally disagree. There have been times, I have only coached one person in a couple and have empowered them on how to bring change in a relationship. Individuals have always marvelled at how their relationship improved base on subtle changes they made.

These changes are based on what is called chaos theory. It’s a scientific theory in simple terms states that  a little change in one part of a system can make a big change in another. Based on this fact, we should feel hopeful and excited that our relationships can changed based on things we can control.The changes we can make!

So how can you make changes? Here are some empowering ways you can do it.

Speak up!

Say what you need. If you are clear and specific that will help to end the problem. Sometimes we waver about our own needs and that can cause our partner to be confused.

Speak out!

If there are things that your partner does that clearly irritate you. Say it. Isn’t it better for your partner to know what line not to cross, instead of having them try to figure it out and getting it wrong.

Own your emotions!

Like I said earlier, when there is conflict we will blame our partner. Why! It’s easier. When our partners are forced to defend themselves, problems never get solved because we are focusing on winning the battle and not the war. Conflict in relationships are inevitable, how you handle it is optional. Whatever your emotional trigger is, that creates the conflict own it so you can react properly when it comes.

Instead of waiting for change, you be the change!

We almost always feel our partner has to change in order for our relationship to work. Based on the chaos theory a subtle change you make can have a major effect on your relationship in a positive way. You take the initiative and be positive. Seek out a relationship coach such as Coach Keith that can help you brainstorm different ideas.

Continue to Grow!

Get healthy. When we are in relationship that has major conflict we often get stuck and stop growing. Continue to grow personally, emotionally and spiritually. By maintaining a strong, positive outlook on your life, your partner will either gravitate towards it and change or move away from it. Either way, your sense of self-will remain intact.

Now I ask you what is one change that you can make that may have a positive affect on your relationship.

 

To Date or Not to Date? That is the Question.

The National Marriage Project put out a report to answer three fundamental questions about the potential value of date nights for couples as these efforts emerge across the United States.

Here is what they found.

1 Communication.

One of the crucial ingredients to a successful relationship is an open channel of communication.2 By removing distractions such as children and employment responsibilities, date nights may afford couples the opportunity to discuss things that are important to them—from their shared dreams for the future to the state of their family finances. In the former case, a date represents time to reinforce mutual pursuits and aspirations; in the latter case, a date represents a type of private couple meeting where a concern or issue may be focused on constructively and proactively.

 

2 Novelty.

Most couples experience a decline in relationship quality after a few years, partly because they become habituated to one another and are more likely to take one another, and their relationship, for granted.4 The initial excitement associated with getting to know a person, growing in intimacy, and trying new things as a couple can disappear as the two people settle into a routine.

 

3 Eros.

Most contemporary relationships begin with an element of eros—that romantic love that is linked to passion, excitement, and an overwhelming sense of attraction to one’s beloved. But with time, the emotional and physical manifestations of erotic love tend to decline in most couples.7

 

4 Commitment.

Husbands and wives, as well as other romantic partners, are more likely to enjoy stable, high-quality relationships when they experience a strong sense of commitment to one another and to their relationship.8 Specifically, partners who put one another first, who steer clear of other romantic opportunities, and who cultivate a strong sense of “we-ness” or togetherness are markedly happier than are less-committed couples.

Date nights may solidify an expectation of commitment among couples by fostering a sense of togetherness, by allowing partners to signal to one another—as well as friends and family—that they take their relationship seriously, and by furnishing them with opportunities to spend time with one another, to communicate, and to enjoy fun activities together.

 

5 De-stress.

Stress is one of the biggest threats to a strong marriage or relationship. Stress related to work, finances, parenthood, or illness can prove corrosive to a relationship, insofar as it causes one or both partners to become irritable, withdrawn, violent, or otherwise difficult to live with.9

In order to view the full report go to:

http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/NMP-DateNight.pdf

 

How do I feel Loved, let me count the ways, or just the way.

When we say we are in love, we don’t often think about how we are receiving love in return until we realize that wasn’t the type of love we needed.

So what is love? One thing for sure as written in 1 Corinthians 13 verse 7 is “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

This type of love is consistent, in contrast to the type of love we are used to, being “In love”. In fact the “in-love” phenomenon can hurt a marriage/relationship. The “in-love” experience is temporary until the desire for emotional love resurfaces because it’s fundamental to our nature.

We grow up craving love; Loving our favorite toys,our parents and our friends. If you have ever noticed a child seeking attention by misbehaving or acting out, then you have seen a child whose love tank is empty.

In order to maximize how you love your partner, ask them how they feel most loved. According to Gary Chapman’s best-selling book ‘The 5 Love Languages’ the distinct love languages that are mentioned are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical touch

Strivers, how do you feel loved? Please share! If you don’t know take some time to figure it out!

Coach Keith

Enjoy your marriage now! You may have only a 20 year window.

It’s no secret that we as Americans are getting married later in life or not at all. Ten years ago according to the U.S. Census Bureau..the average age for first marriage for males to females was 26.1 to 23.9 respectively. Today the age is 28.1 to 26.2.

There many factors that have pushed the age higher. Individual economic stability is primarily the main cause for the age to increase, plus the opportunity to meet more people have also reduced the trend to marry later in life.

Either way, if you do find your “soul-mate” you should consider yourself blessed.

Once you do find your soul-mate, you should do the little things to make sure you keep them. Why? Divorce!

According to a New York Times, more Americans in their 50’s and beyond are sacrificing comfort for freedom. About half of us will be calling Judge Toler of the ‘Divorce Court for greener pastures.

 

I have a real problem with this! What happened to fighting for the love and companionship during good times and bad?

People change., situations change..I get that. If you make a few adjustments you can have a marriage that can thrive and be long-lasting.

Make companionship a priority – which means that as a couple you should explore new challenges. In any relationship if you continue to do the same things that can get boring.

Make a point to allow you spouse to have alone time. When our spouse says, “I need to some time alone!” We tend to get nervous because that can signify there is a problem. When we get to retirement age, we have usually lost a little bit of individuality because we are no longer forging relationships outside of our homes. Try and circumvent that by finding something that you enjoy doing outside of your marriage. It can not only boost your communication time with your spouse, but also your energy because you are following a passion.

Continue to Communicate – constant chatter is still important. If you are having issues or concerns..talk about it. If you have let things fester for years, it’s about time you share them, instead of biding your time to leave.

In the New York Times article cited above, Katie Dunn mentionee, “When I think about the future, sometimes it’s with trepidation,” she said. “But this is the life I’ve got. It’s up to me to make it what I want.”

That is understandable..just why can’t we say the same thing about marriage?

Coach Keith