Better Sex involves getting hold of your senses!

I decided not to add this topic in my last post because I felt it needed its own category. Usually sex, or good sex is synonymous with orgasmic pleasure. As a man, you have reached your goal when you achieve orgasm. That could either take a few minutes, or hours depending on several variables.  In the art of lovemaking, you can really achieve you goal if your partner also achieves orgasm and the ultimate prize is when you both do it simultaneously.

One thought, do you ever consider what other parts of the body feel good when they are touched by your partner. Not really! Why would you when most of the time you reach our goal. Men, wouldn’t be nice and you would feel like the true champion in the bedroom; achieving the ultimate goal every time you had sex with your spouse.

One way to do that is what therapists call Sensate Focusing. Studied by William Masters and Virginia Johnson, sensate focusing is the art of using nonintercourse, nongenital pleasuring exercises to help improve your sex life.  The purpose is twofold: to keep you focused on sensuality and touching in your physical relationship, and to help you learn to communicate openly and naturally about what you like and don’t like in lovemaking.

As a man, I know you are wondering, why would I need to stray from what’s working. After several months of scheduling a night to have sex with my wife, I can go to sleep and wait for the next few months when I will get to do it over again. Fellas, you know that after you have had sex, you want to continue having it more often.  There are several benefits to trying this exercise:


You know having infrequent sex doesn’t improve your stamina in the bedroom. By focusing on something besides doing it right, sex can become more enjoyable. And you don’t have to worry about your wife giving that sarcastic grin while telling you, “Maybe next month.”  The idea is to pleasure your mate through full body touch, massage, stroking and caressing. I am sure your wife will enjoy that because the night is relaxed, tender.


You may discover for the first time in your life what real emotional, intimate erotic connection feels like.


You get to truly connect with your partner without sex. Your problems in the bedroom is that your partner is having sex with you, but doesn’t feel connected. By switching the focus, the act of sex can be healing and very powerful.


There might have been things you wanted to tell your partner about her lovemaking, but never did because it might disrupt  you from achieving your goal, orgasm. With this exercise, she will get the opportunity to learn your likes and dislikes and vice versa.


When you do, you may find out that your wife is that tiger in the bedroom that you have been waiting to see, but you just never took the time to find out.

Here’s how it works:

  • With your partner, you will determine who will be the giver and who will be the receiver. As the receiver you will let your partner touch/massage you in areas besides your genital region where it feels good. You will give either verbal, or hand guided feedback on where that is.  Verbal feedback will consist of where you like to be touched, the intensity of your touch and where to go next.
  • As the giver, your role is to provide the pleasure, and be attentive on how your partner reacts to your touch. It’s very important to ask for feedback as often as possible. The goal of this exercise is to give what your partner wants, you what you feel he/she needs.
  • Then you will switch roles.
  • Over time as you continue to use this technique, it will become easier to communicate openly about your feelings about sex. By working together and touching together you will enjoy reaching the Ultimate Goal.

Men, STRIVE for that Ultimate Goal.

Coach Keith

Better Sex means adding on some logs.

We got to keep the fires burning

A flame so bright to show the way

We got to keep the fires burning

That leads us to a better day…Keep the Fire Burning (Incognito)

These lyrics are very appropriate when it comes to maintaining a sexual relationship in marriage. As I have written before, maintaining a sexual relationship takes a certain focus that challenges all married couples as some point or another. Add kids, work and life changes it’s no wonder why sex can take a back seat. If you are a STRIVER, you must make a conscious effort today to change. Here are some tips:

Talking is the best sex starter!

It may seem corny, or uncomfortable, but talking about such things as:

What fantasies you want your mate to fulfill?

What are your areas of insecurity?

What turns you on before sex and makes you begin to desire your partner?

What type of actions (foreplay) would help you get into the mood for sex?

This is just a few questions that could help you discuss the topic of sex. It’s crucial that allow you partner to speak freely by reserving any judgement, or criticism.

Beware the Gremlins!

If you have seen the movie, Gremlins,  you know the furry creatures look cute on the inside, but in reality are very scary and ugly. In sex, those gremlins are the negative thoughts and beliefs we have about sex; guilt around sex, views about how sex should play out in the bedroom, and our image of our bodies. Acknowledge these issues with your spouse, and validate their feelings as well and vice-versa.

Check self-evaluation at the bedroom door!

If you have had any of these thoughts, it’s time to stop.

  • “She doesn’t think I am a good lover.”
  • “I hope she is enjoying this. I want him to love me.”
  • “He is not getting aroused. It must be me.”

These evaluation phrases can destroy any love-making possibilities. If things aren’t working,  take some time and talk about it, instead of reverting to criticism.

Eliminate Pressure.

We all should know that when it comes to sex, men are quick out the gate, and women like to cruise. In your sexual relationship, you have to be mindful of that fact and don’t create additional pressure to the situation. Building up performance expectations will cause the opposite effect.

Men, don’t get upset if she isn’t screaming in the pillow for more; ladies don’t pat your husband on the head and give him the phony  “It’s okay!” speech.

Go back to tip #1 and find out how you can get to pleasurable, sexual experience together.

Time for a dose of Insanity.

In order to increase your sexual pleasure, you may have to get off the couch and into the gym. Getting more rest, eating healthy, increased exercise, reducing stress can do more to improve your sexual relationship in marriage than just by having more sex. When you feel better about yourself, you will feel better about having sex.

Set up  a Sex Meeting in Outlook.

I have stressed this many times. You have to make sex in your relationship special, otherwise you cheapen the moment. Be proactive and schedule time to get away even if it’s overnight. You may think that it’s no fun because it’s not spontaneous. Honestly, spontaneity left the building when you had kids. If you make it a priority to have sex more often, the spontaneity will return and the desire will too.

Support Each Other

Remember, couples that are Strivers are team members. In order to have better sex, you must support, challenge and support each other in all situations.

Sex can be unhealthy too!


In an earlier blog, we talked about how SEX can be healthy in a marriage when you know each other, you feel connected when you are communicating and when you have fun together.

On the flip side, sex can be unhealthy when:

  • When one partner doesn’t see his/her partner as a whole person, but as a sex object. In essence disconnected from his/her heart, mind, soul or strength.
  • When one partner doesn’t feel free to have sex, or uses their freedom to deny sex. If there are control issues in a relationship then you sex life will more than likely suffer as well.
  • When one partner feels they have to perform at an optimal level it can cause feelings of inadequacy.
  • When one partner substitutes fun and spontaneity in sex for inhibitions and obligations.
  • When one partner can’t talk about what they want and need when it comes to sex.
  • When you rush to have sex with your partner.
  • When you have miraculous expectations of your spouse in regards to sexual prowess.

Challenges in the bedroom can be corrected along with challenges in your relationship. If you improve areas in your relationship, your sex life will improve as well.

Remember don’t hesitate to find a good coach that can work along with you to find clarity in your marriage.

Coach Keith