Love Letter “D” is for Dedication.

When you say “I do” there is an expectation from your partner that your marriage will succeed and vice-versa. No one ever utters their vows during their ceremony with the goal of failure in mind, Yet about half of the couples each year really does what it takes to ensure their marriage survives.

Telling the world you are going to have the best marriage is a simple one. It’s about commitment plain and simple. Having the best marriage you can have feels great. At times it can be discouraging and exhausting. because dedication requires commitment to the mental side of marriage. When one loses that commitment it’s not because of their lack of desire; it is about their lack of self discipline.

In a marriage when you aspire to excellence you have to be willing to forgo comfort and ease. By making the sacrifice, you elevate yourself to a level of extraordinary behavior separating yourself from the ordinary. Sometimes you must ask more of yourself;ask more of your partner, rather than allowing less of yourself.

To tackle the mental side to having a strong marriage, you must do these 5 things:

• Learn “what it takes” to succeed in a great marriage, so you can be dedicated to doing what it takes.
• Understand that any dedication to a successful marriage includes sometimes sacrificing instant gratification for long-term success
• Develop an attitude that reflects the appreciation of whatever process helps you and your partner to having a more effective marriage.
• Be aware of the tendency to react to an ineffective marriage by “working harder” at physical appearance whether it be losing weight, physical enhancements or a total makeover. The cause of the ineffective marriage is more more mental than physical.
• Be determined to hold each other accountable on a daily basis in order to improve and maintain the mental side of your marriage.

The daily pursuit of excellence in a marriage indicates a commitment to personal and family growth, which in turn helps build and reinforce self-confidence. If it were easy, everyone would do this. It isn’t;they don’t.

Love Letter “C” is for Connection.

For most of us connection is vital to a strong relationship, but sometime fears, insecurities and entrenched habits caused by old pain prevent this flow from occurring.

The best way to circumvent those negative energies from overpowering your relationship is by initiating acts of connection. The best thing about it, is these actions can be done in 30 seconds  or less. To see how, click here.

Love Letter “B” is for Body Language

You or your partner at times should as this question, “Do I want to be perceived as a person that is focused and under control. If the answer is yes then you must look the part before you can play the part.

A partner that gives off signals of vulnerability and insecurity will not act the part. Ultimately you or your partner and eventually your children will recognize the signals.

Wearing one’s heart on your sleeve all the time can be dangerous. Why would any spouse want to project through his/her posture and movement the language of frustration, uncontrolled anger, self-pity, fear, or complacency. You would not, I hope. So by the mere fact that your body is projecting these signals verifies you are distracted and it’s affecting everyday life.

The interesting thing is you may not be aware of the signals you are giving off, but the people around you are.

Take a basketball player who is so confident that it doesn’t matter how, or where he shoots he knows it’s going to go in. But when he is going bad, he is reluctant to shoot, or will constantly look to pass the ball to others, even though he is wide open. Now, the defense, or the person guarding that player will almost taunt him to shoot because in his heart, he knows that he won’t because he has lost confidence.

If a marriage, it is a vital part of communication that you learn to pick up on your partner’s cues. Remember 55 percent of communication happens through body language. This includes body and facial orientation, posture, shifting, leaning and touching.  The ability to assign meaning to your partner’s body language can improve both emotional and physical intimacy and help your marriage thrive.

Over the course of the week, think about your body language and the messages that it sends to your spouse. .Although it may feel hard at first, concentrate on expressing good feelings and appreciation through body language. Here are some ideas of where to start.

• Add a good-bye hug and kiss before work.
• Add a sustained kiss, not a peck
• Show admiration and interest in your partner through your eyes
• Lean forward to show good listening skills when communicating with your spouse
• Evaluate how often you fold arms across the chest like a barrier
• Relax and smile with mouth, cheeks and eyes

Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango

 

Since Greg Hardy has been in the news this week, I figured I would send you an article about what the NFL’s should do around creating a new Domestic Violence policy?  Here is my take on what changes could be made to be more pro-active from the Commish’s office.

Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango.

Love Letter – “A” for Adversity

If you are married only for a short period of time. or for a lifetime, your partner will face adversity. You, or your spouse may face a serious illness which can be a serious distraction. When I work with couples that are dealing with adversity, I ask them, “You must make a choice?” Are you going to face the adversity head on, or are you going to let define and destroy your relationship. Sometime fighting through adversity requires some assistance — a someone that can act as your GPS leading to the right way. 

As a coach, I advise the unaffected partner to ask the other if there something they can do to remedy the situation or solve the problem? If so, I encourage them to stop worrying about what to do and do what a responsible partner would do. Do what needs to be done. 

If there is nothing to be done, meaning if you have no immediate control over the situation, then concentrate on what you would be doing to function effectively to make the relationship run as smoothly during a complicated time.

Here are tips to you can use if your partner is having a tough time dealing with to help during times of adversity.

• Recognize that you will inevitably be faced with adversity in your personal lives and in your relationship, rather than ignoring or denying that eventuality.
• Help your partner shift their thinking during the adverse situation,. Instead of  thinking of your situation as a threat, face it as a challenge..
• Help you  partner figure out what they would need to do to be self-assertive, rather self-pitying.
• Think about possible solutions, rather than dwelling on the issue.
• Daily give your partner steps on how to live each day, rather than give in to how he/she is feeling.
• Help your partner to recognize when they begin to fall into despair, how to coach themselves with positive self-talk, scripture, or whatever mantra needed to get out of it, rather than forfeiting to the adverse external factors of the moment. 

If you need help confronting adversity and responding to it with courage and positive energy, click here.