Couples Conversation – Do You Need a Timeout?

 

A timeout in marriage is a way to regroup, cool off, and think about how to move forward. “Take a timeout” is good marriage advice when you’re stuck in the cycle of arguing about the same thing over and over again.

Some important things to think about when you call a timeout are as follows:

1. When to call a timeout

You need to know the right time to call it.

2. When not to call a timeout

You can’t call it if makes the conflict worse.

3. What a timeout is not

A timeout is not a way avoid the issue.

4. What to do during a timeout

The timeout is a way to breathe and think calmly about the situation so you can move forward.

Have you ever used a timeout during arguments with your spouse? How did it work?

 

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love. If you like leave a comment, or reach out at info@keithdent.com if you are having challenges in your relationship and dating life.

 

Couples Conversation – How do you react to Conflict?

Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats recently celebrated their 10-year anniversary. In a recent blog post on BET, the couple mentioned they never have raised their voice to each other.

In a blog written by Douglas Ernst, he stated that.

Raising your voice does denote anger, but a healthier way of conveying that feeling is to simply say, “I am angry.” If you say what you mean and mean what you say with your spouse on a regular basis, then that statement alone will be treated with the seriousness it deserves.

So I would love to know. When was the last time you raised your voice to your spouse? Did you get the satisfaction you were looking for? Did the problem get resolved?

 

6 Step Plan To Get Your Husband Off the Bench and Into The Game.

Ladies! Has your frustration returned now that Valentine’s Day is over and your husband is back to chillin’ on the couch watching countless hours of sports.

Do you ever wonder what is it about sports that men love so much? If you are still befuddled by this question the next time you get in your car and go to the store, turn on your local sports radio station. You will hear grown men so excited and passionate about getting their point across about a sports moment that happened days before sometimes even years. These men will wait up to 30 minutes to make sure they do so.

Men love sports because it’s fun, spontaneous, thrilling and exciting. Isn’t that how you want your marriages to be? Often times it’s the opposite, boring, and predictable.

So what do you have to do to win at the Game of Love? Here is a 6-step game plan to get your marriage back on track.

1. Have a powerful slogan

Every season, teams that excel have powerful slogans to remind them of the goal of winning. In 2017, the Cleveland Cavaliers slogan for the playoffs was “Defend the Land”. So as a family you should come up with a slogan that defines who you are as a family and reminds each other why you are commitment.

2. Constantly reminding him his importance on the team.

On any given team, there players that don’t get a lot of credit, but are the essential to winning and losing. Your husband may be that guy. He may not be overly flashy, or the life of the party. He just gets the job done. You should remind him that his role is valuable and vital to your success as a couple.

3. To stay at the top takes work.

Your wedding with all the pomp and circumstance is like the ultimate championship game. Staying on top takes work, so you must challenge him not to get complacent. Treat your time together like practice where you learn new things about each other and make it routine.

4. Know when to call a time-out?

In any given game, you can feel the momentum shift to the other side. The coach will call a time-out in order for the team to rest, re-group and reassess the game plan.  You should do that in your marriage, especially if you feel the momentum shifting and it’s inevitable that they will. If you see your husband starts to become disengaged, no energy or just plain angry, or you aren’t happy. Don’t be afraid to call a time-out. If you let things go, you may lose.

5. Treat sex like a game.

Sex to a man is like a conquest. Treat it like one. In the bedroom, men feel great when you enjoy sex just as much as he does. It makes him feel accomplished. Overtime it gets harder and harder to set aside to enjoy this part of marriage. Do things like trash-talking (i.e. flirting), putting on your best outfit and creating a build-up to the main event.

6. Treat the kids like the rookies.

Your kids are just like tiny adults. They are going to need to understand the family slogan in order to thrive and excel. As co-captain of the team it’s the responsibility of both of you to give them the tools they will need to be successful. Make sure you challenge them, give them a voice and most of all have fun.

Working as a team is never easy. It takes commitment to a desired goal, discipline, motivation, trust and a few lucky bounces of the ball. By treating your marriage more like a game, your husband can truly understand the importance of his role and will work to win.

Keith Dent is a relationship, life coach at www.strive2succeedcoaching.com . He has appeared on sites like The Good Men Project, MamMia and The Real Dad’s Network and is the author of the In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love.

 

4 Lists That Can Save Your Relationship

Before you drop that guy or girl due to boredom, examine how you are spending your time as a couple.

It maybe due to the fact that you have run into a routine just like Danielle Colley did which almost doomed her relationship.

What can help you get out of the rut is creating a series of lists that may put the energy you need back into the relationship and provide a closeness that’s second to none. A list like this can help remind you  what really matters, and help maintain positivity, clarity, and peace amongst the craziness of everyday life.

So as the weekend is approaching, you and your partner should sit down individually and create these four lists. By doing this exercise you may find some similar interests that you never knew you had. The four lists are as follows:

1. Lists of Books you might read.- this list will give you different topics to talk about. You will get a perspective about a person you never expected when you are talking about a fictional story as opposed to what’s happening in social media.
2. List of activities you would like to do together – according to a recent study 94% of couples  are happier when they spend quality time together versus 43% of couples that don’t. By having a list for activities that you would like to do will keep you from doing the same thing every weekend.
3. List of new things you would like to learn – will keep you brain sharp as you progress in your marriage.
4. List of places you would like to see – this will help you create long-lasting memories as you explore new places. Traveling to other countries not only give you the opportunity to see new things as a couple, it also gives you the opportunity to explore on you own.

 

So before you head out to another movie, or dinner, create that list so you can put that extra energy you need back into your relationship.

If you need so help brainstorming some ideas, or if you are stuck in a rut for some other reason, contact me for FREE 30-minute consultation at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

 

Gentleman, These 4 Words Will Diffuse Any Argument With Your Spouse!

Gentleman, have you ever noticed when your spouse comes to you with an issue, or she is mad about something? You offer her advice and how to handle the situation and she goes of on you? Well you aren’t using the right words. Here are the FOUR words that will help diffuse any argument and help keep the peace. Are you ready? Here they are!

 

 

A red help button isolated on a white background. 3D render with HDRI lighting and raytraced textures.

 

If you have trouble saying these words to you spouse and you would like to explore why, please hit me up at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

 

7 Reasons Why Your Relationship is Like Playing In The Paint!

If you have ever watched, or played a basketball game, there is a place on the court that is called “The Paint.” It’s the rectangular area on the court contained within the key. The key is the area that encompasses the middle of the floor underneath the basket. It is often shaded, which explains the origin of the word, and always has a semi-circle attached on the short side opposite the basket.

In a basketball game this is the area where the big boys play. It’s also one of the most important areas on the basketball court. There is lots of bumping, shoving, and pushing in the paint. It’s also the place where you can get rebounds and score easy baskets. If you can’t master this area in a basketball game, you are less likely to win.

Being in a marriage there is similar to Playing In the Paint. In marriage, there are seven qualities that make it similar to this important part of basketball.

1. When You Play in the Paint, you have to know your strengths. Dennis Rodman knew he was a great rebounder, and he worked on his craft to make sure he was an asset to his team. In marriage, you need to know your strengths as well as the strength of your partner, to ensure you are pushing each other to be their best self.
2. When You Play in the Paint, you have to be able to trust your teammate. The Boston Celtics of the 80’s are considered one of the top frontcourt tandem of all time. They had ferocious grace and skill, but their best characteristic was they had each other’s back on the court. When you are marriage, you are competing against so much; work, the kids, outside pressures, that you have to be able to trust each other no matter what.
3. When You Play in the Paint you will get angry. Some of the biggest fights, visible or not will happen in the painted area. It happens when you are in close proximity to each other. Marriage is no different. You are in close proximity to you spouse for the rest of you life. It’s normal. The most important part is how you handle your anger.
4. When You Play in the Paint you have to be able to talk. It’s the job of the other team to screen and shield you from their player, so they can score. In order to play defense effectively, you will have to be able to communicate. In marriage, communication is the lifeblood to any marriage in order to establish goals and avoid any obstacles that may get in the way of being fulfilled,
5. When You Play in the Paint you create an identity. The Detroit Pistons of the 90’s where also called the BAD BOYS, because they were known for playing hard nosed basketball and inflicting pain on their court to help provide and edge. In marriage, you want to create a set of core beliefs and principles that you will live by. This will clearly help move in the same direction as your marriage progresses. It was also help you establish a set of principles to pass down once the kids arrive.
6. When You Play in the Paint  you have to be able to defend. Akeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson, aka The Twin Towers, made it almost impossible for offiensive players to score down low. In marriage you have to have a great defense if you are going to make it. In this instance, defense means the ability to handle your finances. If you struggle in this area, you will struggle in marriage.
7. When You Play in the Paint you develop a special bond. The chemistry among the members that play in the paint can be very fulfilling. This play is taken for granted in a typical basketball game today, since centers are no longer the focal point of the team. In reality, these players are the unsung heroes of any team. In marriage, your sexual bond, is very important, but it is often taken for granted especially when the children, your career and take precedent. By paying attention to this important aspect can help you keep your marriage fresh and interesting.

 

Excerpts from this blog is taken from Coach Keith’s upcoming new book In the Paint, How to Win at the Game of Love. If you are interested reserving your copy, e-mail him at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

 

 

 

S2S Song of the Night – Heart to Heart.

When there are problems in your relationship, you can’t always demand that your partner bring their whole heart in order for things to get better. You have to bring yours too! As so eloquently sung by Kenny Loggins.

Darlin’
Tell the truth
Don’t turn away
This is our last chance
To touch each others heart
Does anything last forever
I don’t know
Maybe we’re near the end
(So come and tell me)
So darlin’
Oh, how can we go on together
Now that we’ve grown apart
Well the only way to start
Is heart to heart

 

When a kiss is more than a kiss! (Beyond Parenthood)

I usually don’t blog about the latest events on TV unless absolutely necessary, but a show that I watch had a very important topic that I felt my fellow Strivers would want to discuss.

In last night’s episode of Parenthood, Julia Braverman-Graham, played by Erika Christenson, best known for playing the crazy young Madison Bell on Swimfan confesses to her husband, Joel Graham (Sam Jaeger) that she was kissed by Ed (David Denman from The Office).

What struck me about the issue was the raw emotion that was portrayed when a partner s feelings that their marriage isn’t right becomes realized when the truth is revealed by the other.

Later in the episode, as Julia attempts to reconcile with her husband and to “fix” things as she so often does mentions that she has contacted a marriage counselor for help. Joel vehemently admits that counseling isn’t necessary. He states, “No, I don’t want to see a marriage counselor because the problem isn’t the marriage, the problem is you!” “Ever since you lost your job, I don’t even know who you are.” He ends with, “You want to fix it, but I don’t think it can be fixed.”

http://www.nbc.com/parenthood/video/can-this-marriage-be-saved/n44863

Powerful words coming from the man who originally wasn’t the breadwinner in the family due to his wife’s profile job, but was given the opportunity to do step up and he paid for it.

One item I would like to discuss was that he felt that his wife hadn’t been the same since she lost her job, but he never discussed it with her?

Should he have done so? If that happened in your relationship, how would you have address the life change?

 

Start 2014 off right with Strive 2 Succeed Coaching..Here’s proof it works.

Hello Strivers! Today I received a nice note from a client based on my working with them. It’s great to here when clients are doing well especially after not hearing from them in a couple of months.  Here is what they said:

I had a positive experience with my coaching services provided by Strive 2 Succeed. The sessions served as a mutual platform where I can express my concerns and not feel judged or attacked.

During each session I was given simple tools that I was able to carry-over in my day-to-day marital interactions. I was challenged to think about myself and my relationship in ways that I haven’t thought of previously. I am so happy that I took the chance and sought out the coaching services with Strive 2 Succeed.

-K.W.

 What goals would you like to achieve in your marriage for 2014?

How can Strive 2 Succeed Coaching help?

I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year. And I look forward to sharing some great new posts and series during the new year.

Coach Keith

Keith Dent is the CEO of Strive 2 Succeed Coaching. He works  with couples to help them achieve the kind of relationship they envisioned when they first made their commitment to each other. Strengthening communication and revitalizing their understanding and empathy for each other helps couples regain the romance and closeness they long for – even in their everyday “real” world.

 

The Secure Couple’s Guide to Conflict Resolution.

 

In the final installment of the Attachment series, we will deal with the subject of conflict resolution. One misconception about marriages & great relationships is that these couples’ don’t have conflict. Quite the contrary! It’s not the that they don’t have conflict, they just have the right tools to handle it. According to Attachment researchers conflict can serve as a way for couples to get closer and deepen their bond, not drive them apart like in anxious/avoidant relationships.

Individuals have a distinct way to deal with conflict that could be helpful to individuals that have a different attachment style.

These five distinct practices can help diffuse and resolve conflict.

1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. (Our happiness is dependent on the other and vice-versa.)
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. (When there’s a willingness to resolve a specific problem, people feel that they’re being heard and it brings both parties closer together.)
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. (By keeping the argument restricted to the topic they avoid making disparaging remarks and blowing things out of proportion.)
4. Be willing to engage (When you are both willing to stay and deal with the issue do you find a resolution that you can both live with and the process helps them be more in-tune with each other.)
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs. (Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. By being an active agent it opens the door to a more emotional, richer dialogue.

Why can’t insecure couples adopt these practices.

Individuals who are anxious, or avoidants have several aspects that make it difficult for them to adopt these conflict resolution principles.

An anxious partner will have their basic concerns about their partners responsiveness to their needs about being rejected or abandoned. When a conflict arises, they experience many negative thoughts and react by using any behavior to get their partner’s attention. Their response is often dramatic, but ineffective.

An avoidant person is also concerned about their partner not really being their for them, but they will deal with concerns in a totally different way. They will suppress their need for closeness by shutting down emotionally and adopting a sense of independence. The more personal the conflict becomes, the stronger their urge grows to distance themselves from the situation.

Secure Principles can work for any relationship.

If you or your partner has an anxious/avoidant attachment style, you will have to work harder to make the relationship work especially when conflicts arise. Being centered on your own needs and hurts can cause a lot of trouble. You must keep these truths in mind when dealing with conflict.

• A single fight is not a relationship breaker.
• Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you,say so.
• Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s  bad mood. It is most likely not because of you.
• Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs.
• Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know.

I hope that this series will help you restore your faith in relationships and that they shouldn’t be left to chance. Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. If couples can understand that a mismatched attachment style can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in relationships and work hard to tend to each other’s relationship well-being, you will give yourself the best shot at finding deeply, gratifying love.

Coach Keith

 

Material based on the book Attached. The New Science of Adult 
Attachment and How It Can Help YOU Find and Keep Love.