Is virtual love, real love?

Yesterday, I had jury duty. As I settled in for a long day, I of course had to find someone to talk to about what else, relationships.

She began to tell me a story about her friend who was gorgeous, but her self-esteem was low. She had the tendency to choose men that were dismissive and she wasn’t assertive when it came to expressing her needs.

In short, she was content with conversating via text and e-mails.

I immediately asked her, what is he hiding? She didn’t have a real relationship because she couldn’t even talk to him over the phone?

 

So Strivers, let me ask you?  Can you have a real relationship by communicating via text, IM’s and e-mail? Or is it just virtual love?

 

I expect you to WANT to be in this relationship!

Often times, we don’t set expectations for our partner. We take it for granted they want to be in our relationship.

What’s wrong with expectations? Expectations allow your partner to rise to the standards that are acceptable to you.

If you want your relationship to grow this is how expectations can help.

Expectations remove comfort.

You get comfortable in a relationship for a couple of reasons. You either take your partner for granted, or you have fear.

How do you take your partner for granted.

• You stop planning time to go out with each other.
• You no longer feel your appearance is important.
• You communicate via text, or phone instead of carving out time to talk face to face.

Why are we fearful?

• We are afraid to fail.
• We are afraid of conflict or we are plagued by paralysis.

Expectations help you see your blind spots.

Sometimes change in our attitude, drive and appearance happen slowly in our eyes, but our partners see it immediately. Why? Because we have blind spots! By setting expectations you can make that attempt to deal with those blind spots.

When you both set expectation to grow as individuals you will grow as lovers.  You can increase your ability to feel, understand and empathize with your partner when you attempt to grow all 5 of your dimensions: physically, socially, spiritually, intellectually and emotionally, And that directly increases your connection.

So where do you start?

Step outside your comfortable place.

Understand that in order for both of you to grow you will have to visit unexplored areas of your life. Seek feedback from your partner in areas of growth that have been undeveloped and ways each other can become connected.

Work as a team

In order to become a well oiled team, there are times where you will have to encourage, instead of discourage. Be a partner instead of a leader.

In the end, you just want your partner to be all in.

 

Coach Keith

 

Coach Keith works with couples to help them achieve the kind of relationship they envisioned when they first made their commitment to each other. Working with Coach Keith is like having a GPS for relationship. Keith can help you get a realistic picture of where you are and focus on the best path forward toward your goals. Unlike counseling, coaching focuses on the future, not the past.

Should I play house before I get married?

This past weekend the New York Times ran an opinion piece about The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage.

Meg Jay,a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia and author of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter — and How to Make the Most of Them Now,” states that a problem occurs when one partner feels they slide to one day to the next without any real concrete plans, while the other enjoys the fruits of paying half the expenses and reaping the rewards of intimacy without a real commitment.

Meanwhile, Hanna Rosen, author of the blog XX Factor says the complete opposite. “Playing house is the norm for young women.  Nearly 60 percent of women aged 25-39 have lived with a partner and the number among younger women is nearly 80 percent.

So Strivers.  Is Cohabitation the way to go? If not, how did the effects of living with someone and not getting married affect future relationships.

I look forward to hearing from you.

 Coach Keith

Single and Ready to Mingle!

For the past few days, I have been playing the role of single parent. I can understand the pride men/women feel as the entertainment director for their child(ren).

My youngest son, Nicholas and I  had a great time going to the Liberty Science Center, Chuck-E-Cheese, and several parks. We took in a couple of movies, and played our favorite video game, Skylanders.

Even though, I was having fun, I often longed for the companionship and adult-like activities that my wife and I share. Those thoughts made me really empathize with the “real” single parents out there.

I can understand the challenges single parents face when they want to start a new relationship, but are cautious of the dating scene. If you are a single parent looking, or online searching for companionship, here are some tips that may help ease the process.

Be Flexible – The first thing I would look for is flexibility. He/she would have to understand the kids come first and our dates would have to be worked in around our schedules. Their may be times when plans will be cancelled. If the relationship between the EX is cordial, the person will have to understand that in no way will it impact the relationship you are trying to build.

Have Fun – The next thing I would look for would be their ability to have fun. Parenting, even though  it has its fun moments, it’s a full-time job and a lot of work. When we are on a date, we want to have fun. If they can’t do that, you won’t have them around long. They also must have the ability to be affectionate and think of love as an activity, and not just a feeling.  Acting as the mom & dad for your children means there are times when you have to go out of your comfort zone in order to make up for the parent that’s not around. This can often leave you emotionally depleted.  Look for someone who would be affectionate that could not only be affectionate towards you, but eventually your kids.

My single parent days will end in a couple of days, and hopefully yours will to. If you are looking for a companion, what other qualities do you look for if you are considering getting back into the Relationship scene?

Coach Keith