What will I say to Will & Kate (Session #5) – How will you enjoy the Journey?

Well Duke and Duchess it was a great day and a great night. I really want to thank you not only for inviting me to this wonderful event, but entrusting me to add some insight to solidifying your marriage.

As you think about the day and the two of you were able to soak in the moment, write down what your favorite part of the day was and share it with each other. As I depart, I will leave you with some final thoughts.

• Now that you exchanged vows and made that commitment to be monogamous, KEEP IT! – I know this part will be hard to grasp now, but later a desire and attraction for another person will try to rear its ugly head. It’s natural as human beings.  You will have to manage and avoid acting on any impulses. Over time the dedication to monogamy becomes the habit through which you develop and strengthen many of the attributes a strong marriage needs. In the end you will be amazed of the subtle and delightful things you discover in yourselves and each other.
• Don’t allow outsiders to dissuade you from your ultimate goal!  – After today’s festivities, a new generation that was once jaded about marriage, believe more than  ever there is a “happily ever after”. Darkness and pain is inevitable, but how you deal with it is optional. Don’t succumb to them, but face them honestly and directly.
• Take the opportunity to teach and learn from each other. What draws you together are the differences you have. Don’t let the differences threaten you, annoy you, or cause you to try to change them. If you know it or not, you have much to teach your partner and much to learn from your partner. Strong marriages are built when you are adept at both roles.
• You guys are both smart. Don’t let your brains get in the way!– You may be wondering what I mean. You may expect, that you have known each other for years, heck we even lived together so to speak. This marriage will be perfect from DAY ONE. But as Linda and Charlie Bloom say in their book, 101 Things I wish I knew when I got married, “Loving relationships can’t be rushed. It requires time and effort to make a relationship a beautiful creation. And it takes continued work to keep that relationship in good condition. It may take years to develop a style of being together that works well for both people. The best relationships are the ones that are ever-growing, being constantly, newly created.”  You operate under nobody’s timetable, but your own.
• Today was just the sprint. Be just as excited and invested in the marathon.

As I depart back to the states, don’t hesitate to contact me at strive2succeed@comcast.net  if you have any issues. Most couples wait to long to contact me and when they do, all the love and goodwill they developed early in the marriage erodes beyond all repair. Don’t let that happen. I am hear for you.

Coach  Keith

What I would say to Will and Kate (Session #4) How will you break the mold and keep Romance Alive?

If you haven’t noticed everyone is intoxicated by the upcoming Wedding. Not only because you are royalty, but also because you are both very attractive. In order for you to maintain the sense of attractiveness over time, you will have to break the mold of being conservative, and old-fashioned and appear attracted to one another in how you interact with the media and even more important with yourselves. William, when your Mom and Dad got married, it seemed the age difference might affect it and indeed it did as you rarely saw them together after several years unless it was for a public appearance.

Being the fact that both of you are young, that attraction, that spark, that passion will be clear and evident early in the marriage. It is certain after all the formal engagements, parties etc..their will be a lot of “shagging” going on. As years go by and you now have a few princes or princesses in the picture, it will go a long way for the two of you to continually love each other and that you love being together sexually. It will take a conscious effort to make romance and intimacy a priority so the malaise of marriage doesn’t set in.

What you don’t want to see is the fond memories of this blessed, historic event become an albatross around your neck. This can occur if you allow the word friend overtake the word lover, if everday demands replace dating, and finally if you are more concerned about parenting than passion.

So Will and Kate, as you become more comfortable and stable in your marriage, how will you maintain romantic side?

Here are 4 tips that will help intimacy alive and often. Discuss these topics together:

1. Share power equally – this will help maintain a sense of balance. If one  of you feels inferior to the other in the marriage and even in the bedroom it will lead to unfulfillment and disconnection.

2. Make the conscious effort to serve the other. Take a submissive approach, and committ to pleasing the other despite the daily obligations that can often take over daily life. Romance and intimacy is more than just flowers, candelight dinners and swooshing in the Alps. It’s how you think about the other, touch, conversate.

3. Feel open to talk about sex. Even though you may have great communication in other areas, don’t hesitate to talk about something that we view as pleasurable, sex. If you decide early on in your marriage to talk about what you like and dislike about sex, it will become easier to discuss exploring different aspects of sexuality over the years. Since this is your partner for life, you will have to try different things to keep sex exciting and spontaneous. Discuss these topics:

• What you enjoy most about having sex with each other?
• On a scale of 1-10, how does it feel to communicate about sex?
• What things can you do as a couple to ensure more affection  and sex are built into the marriage?
• What sexual fantasies, desires do you have, but you haven’t commuicated them with each other?
• If your sex lives get stale, would you be willing to explore different sexual methods?

Once you have established and become more comfortable keeping the aspect of romance and intimacy in your life, the connection will become effortless and even more enjoyable as your marriage grows. 

I know the festivities are getting close with the rehearsal dinner last night..We  only have one more session left and I will share it with you in the early morning before the wedding. Get a good night’s sleep.

What I will say to Will & Kate (Session #3) – Expect Conflict! How will you handle it?

As much as the media is excited about your upcoming nuptials today, they will be just as excited tomorrow to report a conflict. The funny thing about it is differences are going to come. You are getting married because you are attracted to each other’s differences. 

It’s inevitable these differences will cause disagreements, but the better you deal with them the greater your communication will be. Would you rather create an environment that has greater truthfulness, trust and respect or an environment that is built on resentment and disappointment?

If the answer is yes to the former, here are 4 tips that will help you in the process.

• Establish that you will create a FOUNDATION that is based on respect and that you embrace your differences instead of trying to eliminate or change them.
• Establish what BOUNDARIES you will have when it comes to discussing issuew with outside friends and advisors. Your disagreements over brunch in the morning can quickly become tabloid news in the afternoon.  
• Know and express your true FEELINGS. No matter what reaction you get, the other person is going to be upset. So it’s better to be open and honest with yourself in order to not build up that resentment.
• Finally REFRAME and acknowledge challenges and offer “we” statements on how to make things better. A team environment is key to uplifting and building your marriage to greatness.

 Your marriage will only get stronger with on-the-job training. Even me as your coach, can’t force a great marriage onto you. It takes ACTION on your part. So simply allow yourself to embrace there will be conflict by going through it rather than always seeking comfort from others.

What would I tell Will & Kate (Session #2) – How will you maintain your own identity?

Kate and William are now intriqued with what I am about to say next. And I might not win any points with the royal family, but it’s important, nonetheless. Kate & Will! Will & Kate…It will natural for outsiders even your family to link you together for everything. That closeness will slowly erode all the love you have built up over time.

This marriage in itself is a fairytale. The prince finally marrying his princess; the princess finding her prince. The marriage alone will not be able to sustain them for the rest of their life. Both will  need friends, satisfying work, some solitary time, fun and other experiences in their life to fulfill the needs that are deep in their heart.

Because there are many kinds of love. For example there is parental love, platonic love, the constant love of friends, and a deep enduring love of a long-standing marriage. Kate and Will will not be able to love each other in all the ways they need to be loved. Understanding this early and putting themselves in the position to fulfill the other types of love from others will relieve the pressure.  

This will be very important for Kate. William wasn’t just attracted to your beauty and that you would make a good princess to show off. He was attracted to you because of your personality, independent spirit, intelligence, tenacity and warmth. So eventhough your status in the world is changing, he will expect you not to change.

So Kate, figure out what sort of legacy you would like to leave as the new princess. Since you are the first princess to have a college degree, the world is your oyster. Find out your passion and pursue it.

On the flip side, William if there is something new you would like to pursue, now is the time to do it. I would like to see the both of you establish yourselves individually and as a power couple? In order to do that ask each other these questions?

1. What do you dislike?
2. How do you like to spend your free time?
3. What do you enjoy doing with me?
4. What do you need when you’re unhappy?
5. What kind of support works for you?
6. What turns you on?
7. What turns you off?
8. What do you really love to do?
9. What brings you great joy?

By asking these questions, both of you will find that you can build a life together individually, and as  a couple.

What would I tell Will & Kate? – Your Marriage will not be like your Parents.

If you haven’t watched any TV or read any newspapers, you might not realize that Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married this Friday. This wedding has created a lot of hoopla and fanfare as England and the world prepare for this event.

Even though this event has already been highly publicized, this is only the beginning of the type of media coverage they will receive during their marriage journey. Prior to the wedding the couple has also been receiving pre-marital coaching inorder to help them navigate through all of the challenges they may face.

As a relationship coach, if given the opportunity there are 5 important topics I would discuss with them prior to the wedding . Today’s topic would be YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT BE LIKE YOUR PARENTS.

Kate & William should realize very early that their relationship will be different from their parents. Kate’s was a product of a wonderful marriage where her parents worked together, so they had an opportunity to share their love of the airlines and later build their own business, while in William’s case, he had to live through the trials and tribulations of a high profile divorce. So both of them enter the marriage with different perspectives.  So I would start out our session with these questions.

What does this marriage mean to you? – It would be very important for the each of them to define why they want to get married and what expectations they have from one another.

If you had to create by-laws for your marriage, what would they be?  – It would include things like:

• How you will do with conflict?
•  What topics are off limits to the media?
• How you will address communication issues?
• How you handle past friendships?

What  family traditions will you bring from each of your families? What new one’s will you create? – Because William is from royalty, there will be many traditions that they will have to uphold in their marriage. On the other side, because Kate didn’t come from that lifestyle their maybe some traditions that are important to her. It would be imperative to bring in some her traditions in order to have a voice. It will also be important for the both of them to establish their own.

What steps will you take to maintain Spritual, Social, Physical and Emotional Balance individually and together? – Kate has only received a taste of the media attention that she has received. Like THE POLICE so eloquently state in their 80’s hit “Every step you Take” her moves will be scrutinized to the highest degree because she is the Princess.  It will be very easy for both of them to lose their balance with all the social engagements they will expected to attend in the next few months. Establish some boundaries and find a special, secretive space where they can just be.

Now that I have got Kate and Will’s juices flowing. We will go a little deeper tomorrow when we talk about how they maintain their individual identity!

Coach Keith – Strive 2 Succeed Coaching Services

When it comes to Love, don’t miss a day!

One of my favorite quotes from Wendy Williams is, “You miss a day, you miss a lot.” You know what’s profound about that statement? We apply it when we miss a great TV show, sporting event, a night out with our PEEPS, or some juicy gossip. Rarely do we apply it when it comes to “making love” to our spouse.  We always figure, we can do that after the game, when the kids are sound asleep, or when I am not so tired and I feel sexier.

The thing is if you are waiting for the sexually charged energy to just appear, you will be waiting for a long time. It never happens that way, especially in marriage. Energy is created by ACTION. It may be awkward in the beginning, but once you generate energy it can increase in intensity.

So what can yo do to start to generate sexually charged energy that can lead to wonderful lovemaking.

Create an atmosphere of sex!

The intimate music isn’t going to suddenly come on the radio and lights aren’t going to dim to a romantic setting. Start with the simple things like :

• touching
• flirty tickling
• whispering, sweet romantic, or sexually explicity words (depending what your partner likes.)

Reframe your thinking – Quick can be Great.

You know in the movies when you see someone having a “quickie” it always seems so exciting, but when we think about it in real life it seems so boring and unfullfilling we don’t even make the attempt.  Let’s change our way of thinking. It can be the very action that helps break the negative communication barrier between  you and your spouse. Keep this in mind, it doesn’t always have to be about sex. It’s about creating a sexual connection. Some tips I reccomend are:

• Showering together
• Massage each other
• Finding a few minutes to make out before the kids wake up
• Dance to your favorite Slow Song or Wedding Song.

Create a Sexually Charged Plan.

Finally, we think of planning like a business meeting that we have to attend. If you hate planning anything, you will stay away from this idea. But, if you put some creativity into the planning it will excite your partner to take action. Some tips that will turn on the energy switch are:

• Send a nice invitation, RSVP required.
• Send an explicit text message (personal phone only)
• For the sport’s fan – creating a picture of you in your partner’s favorite jersey announcing the time of the game will surely get their attention.

 

If you have only a few minutes a day, JUST CONNECT. Before you know it, those few minutes will be the you will never MISS.