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S2S Question of the Day – Divorce

Today’s question has to deal with Divorce. According to a 2011 article in Match.com, the year in which most divorces occur is during year 4?

Since the age of first marriages has increase, why do you think divorce is happening so soon? #s2sinmarriageqotd

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Posted by on November 21, 2016 in Question of the Day, Uncategorized

 

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5 reasons why a WedLease still leaves you empty?

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Paul Rampell is a lawyer in Palm Beach who specializes in estate planning wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Washington Post about the possibility of WedLeases over marriage.

Marriage is a legal partnership that is supposed to last a lifetime — one lifetime to be exact, that of the first of the spouses to die. Rampell felt that generally speaking, that is too long time for any partnership. Our behavior dictates that people, circumstances and all sorts of other things change. The compatibility of any two people over decades may decline with these changes to the point of extinction.

So we should borrow from real estate and create a marital lease? Instead of wedlock, a “wedlease.”

Here’s how a marital lease could work: Two people commit themselves to marriage for a period of years — one year, five years, 10 years, whatever term suits them. The marital lease could be renewed at the end of the term however many times a couple likes. It could end up lasting a lifetime if the relationship is good and worth continuing. But if the relationship is bad, the couple could go their separate ways at the end of the term. The messiness of divorces is avoided and the end can be as simple as vacating a rental unit.

So like In real estate, why don’t we have the option for shorter term marriages. For example, since we have become accustomed to prenuptial agreements and postnuptial agreements, why not a marital lease to help minimize the high divorce rate.

Here are 5 reasons why a WedLease will still leave you empty.

  1. WEdLease contract won’t stop the pain. – If there are two people involved in marriage, there is bound to be some pain at some point, whether it be the first year of marriage or in 20 years. The benefit of marriage, is to hunker down and work through it.
  2. Limits on time and increase the distance.  If you aren’t really vested in the marriage, you will bide your time until the WedLease ends. How will you do that by putting as much distance between your lease spouse as possible. In a marriage, it is your responsibility to work hard every day to keep it fresh.
  3. No opportunity to repair the damage.  Even after the WedLease has ended due to a bad 5 years, you will still pay for the damage to the other partner. It’s always great to hear when couples continue to thrive in a marriage even after they had a serious setback.
  4. You are constantly keeping score. When you enter into a WedLease agreement, you will continuously be keeping score. So if you decide to renew for another 5 years, you, or your partner will make sure you get what you deserve as a result of each and every misstep by the other. Marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Teamwork!  When you win, your partner wins.
  5. You are constantly accommodating and not growing! When you enter into a marriage, it’s with another human being. With any team, you have to work together awhile before you start to kick in on all cylinders. It’s very empowering when you see your partner grow for the better and you feel you had a part in that.  In a WedLease, you would have to constantly accomodate the other partner until you feel comfortable.

Would you support a WedLease? What terms would be crucial for its success?

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2013 in iLoveStrong QoTD, Uncategorized

 

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How to make your strong, independent wife powerless: 10 rules of marriage for an insecure husband.

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There is a phenomenon that is sweeping the country. It started in the deep south and is slowly making it’s way across the country. Insecure men are dating and marrying strong, powerful women. I wasn’t sure how they are doing it, except possibly using their fragility and sensitivity to do it. As a man, how do you look in the mirror and feel like you measure up to you wife? Until, I came across the rules from a husband that his wife lives by everyday.

An insecure man’s guide to making your wife feel powerless. Here are the 10 Rules:

Rule #1 – You must not have single friends and cannot communicate or spend time with them.

Rule #2 – Your wife must be home when you get home regardless of who she is with or what she is doing.

Rule#3 – Your wife must go to be when you go to bed regardless of what time of day or what chores need to be tended to prior to bed.

Rule #4  – Your wife must watch whatever you want to watch on TV and cannot read a book or do anything other than lay in bed watching your selection. And remember she must be naked,or in sexy lingerie at all times.

Rule #5 – Your wife cannot leave town for any reason regardless if its for work or family.

Rule #6 – Your wife must do as she is told and do not question.

Rule #7 – Must feed, wash and groom me as requested.

Rule #8 – When in public your wife must be seen and not heard. She can’t do anything that will result in embarrassment for you.

Rule #9 – Your wife must and I mean must have sex with your before leaving for work and before going to sleep. And must not complain about it either.

Rule #10 – Rules will change or added as you see fit in order to remove more power.

So what do you think about the rules. Will they catch on and make their way into your home?

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2013 in iLoveStrong QoTD, Let's Discuss

 

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McDreamy gives 3 reasons why Husbands are Nervous about their Breadwinner Wives!

Last week the New York Times

printed an essay from Richard Thaler, a professor at the University of Chicago’s business school, that women are now the primary earners for nearly half of American families with children.

Some of the reasons they offered as the cause was that women with greater earning power have greater economic security so they can leave bad marriages. And another possibility is that many men seem to be clinging to a social norm from the “Mad Men” days: that the husband should be the primary earner in a family.

Even though these reasons may be valid, there is a real problem in place that can only eloquently stated by McDreamy himself, Patrick Dempsey in the movie Freedom Writers. It’s about an idealist teacher named Erin Gruwell, played by Hillary Swank in her first teaching at Woodrow Wilson High School, which, two years earlier, implemented a voluntary integration program. For many of the existing teachers, the integration has ruined the school, whose previously stellar academic standing has been replaced with many students who will be lucky to graduate or even be literate. Hillary Swank was newly married to Scott Casey played by Dempsey. Overtime as Hillary’s character got closer to her students and they began to respond, Dempsey became more distant and withdrawn.

It all came to dramatic end after Hillary went on one of her trips with the students. In this scene, Dempsey echoed the feelings on how many husbands feel when their wives become the major breadwinner.

 

He never thought their marriage would be this way! – Over the course of movie, Patrick Dempsey increasingly became more aggravated with his wife as she began to do more to provide for her students. In his job, it’s safe to say that he was unable to have the type of dream job he wanted because he had to make sure they had stability which was a source of resentment for him.

Men feel the need to be needed! – If women are devoting so much of their quality time at work, or doing other outside activities, they feel their wives will no longer need them. Most men as Dempsey calls it, “Don’t want to be the wife.”

Men want to always feel they will choose them! At some point if the husband feels their spouse will choose their career or endeavor over them, they feel they have no choice, but to either leave or find someone who will appreciate them being the focus of the relationship.

What do you think about McDreamy’s comments?  Is he right about his feelings.

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2013 in iLoveStrong QoTD

 

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The Hurricane Hit! Damage Done! Now what?

When here are possible hurricane’s in our marriage, some of us heed the warnings signs and do what we can minimize the damage. Some of us feel that it won’t happen to us anddo nothing. Hurricane Sandy, hit late Monday night and did major damage that still lingers as I post this blog. Millions of people are still without power, thousands more are standing in long lines for hours trying to get gasoline for their cars and generators, and emotions are frayed.

If you didn’t trust your gut and follow-up on the warning signs that were prevalent in your marriage, a hurricane such as infidelity, mistrust, financial hardship, or emotional and domestic violence ends up causing major damage.

Like Hurricane Sandy, all is not lost, we can rebuild, but it will take time, patience and hard work. Here is some of the damage that occurs when a marriage hurricane enters your life.

  • Flooding of Emotions

Currently, your emotions are overflowing at this point. There are two ways you can handle it. If the flooding was minor, you can take care of it yourself first by taking deep breaths, a step back, and assessing the situation. Analyze these factors:

  1. When did the relationship start to change?
  2. What could you have done to communicate your feelings about the situation?
  3. Now that the situation is out in the open, what are you feelings currently?
  4. What adjustments will you make to ensure the situation doesn’t happen again?

If the flooding is too severe, you may have to break out the heavy equipment. Talking to a marriage/relationship coach, can go a long way and they can see the situation for what it is and offer solutions based on the present and not the past. Often when hurricane of this magnitude happens personally, we will bring up things that happened in our past that doesn’t help to solve the problem.

  • Internal Structural Damage

A hurricane can lead to some internal structural damage that if left untreated can affect you moving forward in your marriage. The loss of trust which is the backbone of any marriage can easily be damaged.

In this very informative website, Truth by Deceptionit’s very important that your partner understands your feelings and your point of view in this situation and that you make the effort to try to make sure they understand. The other alternative such as revenge will only compound the negative feelings that already exist.

Consider these steps when trying to regain trust:

  1. 1. Understanding your partner’s feelings – By acknowledging and validating your partner feelings will do more to start and regain trust more than apologizing, explaining, or withdrawing.  These strategies do not offer real understanding.
  2. 2. Saying your sorry with no strings attached. – We always avert to doing this too quickly like we do when we are kids to prevent us from getting a spanking from our parents. In relationships though, the quick apology only appeases your partner and doesn’t seem thoughtful or genuine.  Since you did wrong, take the heat and let it linger before you offer apologies.
  3. Communicate the reasons behind the situation – At some point, your partner will want to know what happened. Do your best to explain emotionally what was going on, and not blaming your partner. Trying to deflect the problem onto your partner will only create a bigger wedge.
  4. In order to avoid the same type of hurricane, promises need to be made. These promises need to be:
    • mutually agreed upon – both parties must be satisfied with the promises offered
    • reasonable – promises need to involve things that one can actually live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen when trying to rebuild trust)
    • explicitly clear – both parties should double-check their understanding of the promises being made
    • related to the betrayal that occurred – promises about future behavior need to be related to how trust was violated
  5. The promises have to be kept at all cost, otherwise greater damage can occur.
  6. Communicate on both sides how the promises are being kept. By acknowledging the partner that did the wrong is doing better helps them to understand you aren’t holding them hostage.
  • External Structural Damage

In some cases the hurricane will cause external damage that may be irreparable. In the case of verbal abuse and/or domestic violence the outward scars may have to force you to leave the situation.

  1. Make sure your children are taken care of. – They automatically won’t understand and may need to talk out their feelings.
  2. Find a counselor. – After your kids are settled, you will definitely need to get support for yourself.
  3. Rebuild your self-esteem. – I’m sure this will be done in your counseling sessions, but you will have to set personal goals, in order to feel confident that you are moving past the situation.
  4. Don’t rush into a new relationship – you don’t want to fall into the same negative situation you don’t got out of.
  5. Utilize your resources – maintain a good support system long after your relationship has ended. The stronger the support the better.

Strivers, let’s start to repair not only our lives affected by this week’s storm, but our marriages that have been damaged as well. Remember this month, is Gratitude month.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on November 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Is your Marriage like Hurricane Sandy?

 

As the East Coast braces for Hurricane Sandy today and tomorrow, I can’t help but wonder how many marriages are taking on hurricane-like tendencies as I write.

What is a hurricane?  According to FEMA – A hurricane is a type of tropical cyclone or severe tropical storm that forms in the southern Atlantic Ocean, Caribbean Sea, Gulf of Mexico, and in the eastern Pacific Ocean. A typical cyclone is accompanied by thunderstorms, and in the Northern Hemisphere, a counterclockwise circulation of winds near the earth’s surface.

Some issues that can constantly swirl out of control and create widespread damage in your marriage are:

  • Constantly arguing about issues and getting no where
  • Constant negativity
  • Having long periods of not speaking to each other
  • Talking about divorce due to irreconcilable differences, money problems or dealing with infidelity

Like Hurricane Sandy which is on track to affect approximately 60 million people, the high winds and heavy rainfall of negativity in your marriage can have not just long-lasting damage to you as a couple, but can deeply affect your kids, your family and friends and your job.

Hurricanes in marriage are inevitable, so what precautions can you take to minimize the damage.

  • To begin preparing, you should build an emergency kit and make a family communications plan. – Have someone you can go to for support. Sometimes you can’t see past the problems that a certified coach, or an unbiased person can see.
  • Know your surroundings. – Take a step back and see how the negativity in your marriage is affects others. Looking at your marriage from a different perspective may help you fix things faster.
  • Learn community hurricane evacuation routes and how to find higher ground. Determine where you would go and how you would get there if you needed to evacuate. – Find a place that is peaceful and tranquil that the two of you can go. The positive atmosphere can change your view in your marriage.
  • Make plans to secure your property – Above all else, hunker down in your marriage because outside forces will try to step in and destroy what you have taken the time to build.
  • Be sure trees and shrubs around your home are well-trimmed so they are more wind resistant. – Cut off the negative things that are causing problems in your marriage. i.e. if you are constantly arguing make a plan to affirm your partner until it becomes second nature.
  • Install a generator for emergencies. – A little electricity(i.e. more sex)  in your marriage can jumpstart everything.
  • Consider building a safe room. – Individually find a safe place that you can go to help you calm down, meditate, pray in order to bring clarity to the situation.

What other preparations can couples take to reduce the storms in their marriage?

I would love to hear from other Strivers?  Stay dry and more important of all stay safe?

 

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Marriage Monday Tips

 

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Are you a connection blocker? (Part 2)

I know you had a sigh of relief, when you read Connection Blockers – Part 1, and realized your action hadn’t created a wedge between you and your partner! From my last post, a connection blocker is someone who doesn’t really want to know and understand their partner.

Here are the final 7 connection blockers. Which one are you?

  1. You use shutdown statements and behaviors. – When you are mad or hurt, these statements bring communication to a halt.
    • Fine” or “Everything’s fine” (when it’s not fine).
    • “Doesn’t matter or Whatever
    • Give your partner the silent treatment.
  2. You shift the blame. – It’s your basic cause and effect argument. When your partners feelings are hurt, you react by saying it’s because of them. By choosing to use a counterattack on your partner shuts down any chance at connection.
  3. You use Sarcasm – Not only does it shut down the connection..It hurts.
  4. You use “You Always or “You Never” – these statements are general statements, but are not usually based on reality. Phrases like “You never listen to me” or “You always cut me off ” cause your partner to be confused. These statements tend help describe a feeling, but not the problem.
  5. You jump to your own experiences and don’t validate your partner’s issue. –  Instead of just listening to your partner’s issues, you try to minimize the damage by bringing up your own. This connection blocker hangs your partner out to dry.
  6. You try to fix it. – Sometimes just listening is the fix.
  7. You use the “I’m just no good” statement. – this will cut off any chance at connecting with your partner. By playing the victim, your partner will almost always save you from your victim stance otherwise they admit to themselves they made a bad choice. Therefore, they negate their unresolved feelings.

Now that you understand connection blockers, look out for them. If you see they exist, it’s ok. Work with your partner to identify when either of you use these blockers so you can remove them and deepen your relationship.

Coach Keith

 

 
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Posted by on May 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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