6 Step Plan To Get Your Husband Off the Bench and Into The Game.

Ladies! Has your frustration returned now that Valentine’s Day is over and your husband is back to chillin’ on the couch watching countless hours of sports.

Do you ever wonder what is it about sports that men love so much? If you are still befuddled by this question the next time you get in your car and go to the store, turn on your local sports radio station. You will hear grown men so excited and passionate about getting their point across about a sports moment that happened days before sometimes even years. These men will wait up to 30 minutes to make sure they do so.

Men love sports because it’s fun, spontaneous, thrilling and exciting. Isn’t that how you want your marriages to be? Often times it’s the opposite, boring, and predictable.

So what do you have to do to win at the Game of Love? Here is a 6-step game plan to get your marriage back on track.

1. Have a powerful slogan

Every season, teams that excel have powerful slogans to remind them of the goal of winning. In 2017, the Cleveland Cavaliers slogan for the playoffs was “Defend the Land”. So as a family you should come up with a slogan that defines who you are as a family and reminds each other why you are commitment.

2. Constantly reminding him his importance on the team.

On any given team, there players that don’t get a lot of credit, but are the essential to winning and losing. Your husband may be that guy. He may not be overly flashy, or the life of the party. He just gets the job done. You should remind him that his role is valuable and vital to your success as a couple.

3. To stay at the top takes work.

Your wedding with all the pomp and circumstance is like the ultimate championship game. Staying on top takes work, so you must challenge him not to get complacent. Treat your time together like practice where you learn new things about each other and make it routine.

4. Know when to call a time-out?

In any given game, you can feel the momentum shift to the other side. The coach will call a time-out in order for the team to rest, re-group and reassess the game plan.  You should do that in your marriage, especially if you feel the momentum shifting and it’s inevitable that they will. If you see your husband starts to become disengaged, no energy or just plain angry, or you aren’t happy. Don’t be afraid to call a time-out. If you let things go, you may lose.

5. Treat sex like a game.

Sex to a man is like a conquest. Treat it like one. In the bedroom, men feel great when you enjoy sex just as much as he does. It makes him feel accomplished. Overtime it gets harder and harder to set aside to enjoy this part of marriage. Do things like trash-talking (i.e. flirting), putting on your best outfit and creating a build-up to the main event.

6. Treat the kids like the rookies.

Your kids are just like tiny adults. They are going to need to understand the family slogan in order to thrive and excel. As co-captain of the team it’s the responsibility of both of you to give them the tools they will need to be successful. Make sure you challenge them, give them a voice and most of all have fun.

Working as a team is never easy. It takes commitment to a desired goal, discipline, motivation, trust and a few lucky bounces of the ball. By treating your marriage more like a game, your husband can truly understand the importance of his role and will work to win.

Keith Dent is a relationship, life coach at www.strive2succeedcoaching.com . He has appeared on sites like The Good Men Project, MamMia and The Real Dad’s Network and is the author of the In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love.

Here Are 5 Reasons To Choose Being Single, Than In a Bad Relationship.

Did you know this past January 8th, the first Monday of the New Year, is considered “Divorce Day.”  It’s the day where individuals that already cracks in their relationship inquire about divorce because the holidays are now over.

Even though most individuals that are ecstatic to no longer have the albatross around their neck, some of you  after a few days of singleness are contemplating your decision.

I’m here to tell you, do not be discouraged with your decision. Click here to read 5 Reasons Why Choosing To Be Single is Better Than A Bad Relationship.

 

How Do You Admit Your Marriage Failed?

In a new memoir, “It Takes Two: Our Story,  Property Brothers star, Jonathan Scott, isn’t shy about how he contributed to his divorce.

He states that “I think when you are young and you don’t really know what you want in life, you can commit to something and think at the time it is right.”

Most people give many reasons why they get divorce from infidelity, not having the same  vision,  to loss of intimacy, even finances. One thing is clear, we usually will blame the other person for the reason our marriages fail.

In #LOVETOPICTUESDAY, if you are one that has been divorced how did you contribute to the demise of your marriage? What tips could you give others that are on the verge of ending their marriage?

If you are unsure of the direction of your marriage and you need clarity, please contact me for a free 30 minute consultation at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

 

Sincerely,

 

Coach Keith

Why Are We So Consumed by Infidelity?

We as a society may be consumed by Infidelity because couples have a difficult time answering these questions that are about to be examined in Esther Perel’s new book The State of Affairs.  The book goes on sale this Tuesday.

1. Are we still passionately in love with our spouse?
2. Are there some fulfillments that even a good marriage can’t provide?
3. Do erotic desires sometime trump emotional needs?
4. Is it okay to love more than one person?
5. Are we a nation that can no longer be monogamous?

 

These are just some of the questions that are affecting our ability to step beyond the boundary of marriage.

What other challenges do you think we face as a society?

 

S2S Question of the Day – Divorce

Today’s question has to deal with Divorce. According to a 2011 article in Match.com, the year in which most divorces occur is during year 4?

Since the age of first marriages has increase, why do you think divorce is happening so soon? #s2sinmarriageqotd

5 reasons why a WedLease still leaves you empty?

Paul Rampell is a lawyer in Palm Beach who specializes in estate planning wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Washington Post about the possibility of WedLeases over marriage.

Marriage is a legal partnership that is supposed to last a lifetime — one lifetime to be exact, that of the first of the spouses to die. Rampell felt that generally speaking, that is too long time for any partnership. Our behavior dictates that people, circumstances and all sorts of other things change. The compatibility of any two people over decades may decline with these changes to the point of extinction.

So we should borrow from real estate and create a marital lease? Instead of wedlock, a “wedlease.”

Here’s how a marital lease could work: Two people commit themselves to marriage for a period of years — one year, five years, 10 years, whatever term suits them. The marital lease could be renewed at the end of the term however many times a couple likes. It could end up lasting a lifetime if the relationship is good and worth continuing. But if the relationship is bad, the couple could go their separate ways at the end of the term. The messiness of divorces is avoided and the end can be as simple as vacating a rental unit.

So like In real estate, why don’t we have the option for shorter term marriages. For example, since we have become accustomed to prenuptial agreements and postnuptial agreements, why not a marital lease to help minimize the high divorce rate.

Here are 5 reasons why a WedLease will still leave you empty.

1. WEdLease contract won’t stop the pain. – If there are two people involved in marriage, there is bound to be some pain at some point, whether it be the first year of marriage or in 20 years. The benefit of marriage, is to hunker down and work through it.
2. Limits on time and increase the distance.  If you aren’t really vested in the marriage, you will bide your time until the WedLease ends. How will you do that by putting as much distance between your lease spouse as possible. In a marriage, it is your responsibility to work hard every day to keep it fresh.
3. No opportunity to repair the damage.  Even after the WedLease has ended due to a bad 5 years, you will still pay for the damage to the other partner. It’s always great to hear when couples continue to thrive in a marriage even after they had a serious setback.
4. You are constantly keeping score. When you enter into a WedLease agreement, you will continuously be keeping score. So if you decide to renew for another 5 years, you, or your partner will make sure you get what you deserve as a result of each and every misstep by the other. Marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Teamwork!  When you win, your partner wins.
5. You are constantly accommodating and not growing! When you enter into a marriage, it’s with another human being. With any team, you have to work together awhile before you start to kick in on all cylinders. It’s very empowering when you see your partner grow for the better and you feel you had a part in that.  In a WedLease, you would have to constantly accomodate the other partner until you feel comfortable.

Would you support a WedLease? What terms would be crucial for its success?

 

 

How to make your strong, independent wife powerless: 10 rules of marriage for an insecure husband.

There is a phenomenon that is sweeping the country. It started in the deep south and is slowly making it’s way across the country. Insecure men are dating and marrying strong, powerful women. I wasn’t sure how they are doing it, except possibly using their fragility and sensitivity to do it. As a man, how do you look in the mirror and feel like you measure up to you wife? Until, I came across the rules from a husband that his wife lives by everyday.

An insecure man’s guide to making your wife feel powerless. Here are the 10 Rules:

Rule #1 – You must not have single friends and cannot communicate or spend time with them.

Rule #2 – Your wife must be home when you get home regardless of who she is with or what she is doing.

Rule#3 – Your wife must go to be when you go to bed regardless of what time of day or what chores need to be tended to prior to bed.

Rule #4  – Your wife must watch whatever you want to watch on TV and cannot read a book or do anything other than lay in bed watching your selection. And remember she must be naked,or in sexy lingerie at all times.

Rule #5 – Your wife cannot leave town for any reason regardless if its for work or family.

Rule #6 – Your wife must do as she is told and do not question.

Rule #7 – Must feed, wash and groom me as requested.

Rule #8 – When in public your wife must be seen and not heard. She can’t do anything that will result in embarrassment for you.

Rule #9 – Your wife must and I mean must have sex with your before leaving for work and before going to sleep. And must not complain about it either.

Rule #10 – Rules will change or added as you see fit in order to remove more power.

So what do you think about the rules. Will they catch on and make their way into your home?

McDreamy gives 3 reasons why Husbands are Nervous about their Breadwinner Wives!

Last week the New York Times

printed an essay from Richard Thaler, a professor at the University of Chicago’s business school, that women are now the primary earners for nearly half of American families with children.

Some of the reasons they offered as the cause was that women with greater earning power have greater economic security so they can leave bad marriages. And another possibility is that many men seem to be clinging to a social norm from the “Mad Men” days: that the husband should be the primary earner in a family.

Even though these reasons may be valid, there is a real problem in place that can only eloquently stated by McDreamy himself, Patrick Dempsey in the movie Freedom Writers. It’s about an idealist teacher named Erin Gruwell, played by Hillary Swank in her first teaching at Woodrow Wilson High School, which, two years earlier, implemented a voluntary integration program. For many of the existing teachers, the integration has ruined the school, whose previously stellar academic standing has been replaced with many students who will be lucky to graduate or even be literate. Hillary Swank was newly married to Scott Casey played by Dempsey. Overtime as Hillary’s character got closer to her students and they began to respond, Dempsey became more distant and withdrawn.

It all came to dramatic end after Hillary went on one of her trips with the students. In this scene, Dempsey echoed the feelings on how many husbands feel when their wives become the major breadwinner.

 

He never thought their marriage would be this way! – Over the course of movie, Patrick Dempsey increasingly became more aggravated with his wife as she began to do more to provide for her students. In his job, it’s safe to say that he was unable to have the type of dream job he wanted because he had to make sure they had stability which was a source of resentment for him.

Men feel the need to be needed! – If women are devoting so much of their quality time at work, or doing other outside activities, they feel their wives will no longer need them. Most men as Dempsey calls it, “Don’t want to be the wife.”

Men want to always feel they will choose them! At some point if the husband feels their spouse will choose their career or endeavor over them, they feel they have no choice, but to either leave or find someone who will appreciate them being the focus of the relationship.

What do you think about McDreamy’s comments?  Is he right about his feelings.

The Hurricane Hit! Damage Done! Now what?

When here are possible hurricane’s in our marriage, some of us heed the warnings signs and do what we can minimize the damage. Some of us feel that it won’t happen to us anddo nothing. Hurricane Sandy, hit late Monday night and did major damage that still lingers as I post this blog. Millions of people are still without power, thousands more are standing in long lines for hours trying to get gasoline for their cars and generators, and emotions are frayed.

If you didn’t trust your gut and follow-up on the warning signs that were prevalent in your marriage, a hurricane such as infidelity, mistrust, financial hardship, or emotional and domestic violence ends up causing major damage.

Like Hurricane Sandy, all is not lost, we can rebuild, but it will take time, patience and hard work. Here is some of the damage that occurs when a marriage hurricane enters your life.

• Flooding of Emotions

Currently, your emotions are overflowing at this point. There are two ways you can handle it. If the flooding was minor, you can take care of it yourself first by taking deep breaths, a step back, and assessing the situation. Analyze these factors:

1. When did the relationship start to change?
2. What could you have done to communicate your feelings about the situation?
3. Now that the situation is out in the open, what are you feelings currently?
4. What adjustments will you make to ensure the situation doesn’t happen again?

If the flooding is too severe, you may have to break out the heavy equipment. Talking to a marriage/relationship coach, can go a long way and they can see the situation for what it is and offer solutions based on the present and not the past. Often when hurricane of this magnitude happens personally, we will bring up things that happened in our past that doesn’t help to solve the problem.

• Internal Structural Damage

A hurricane can lead to some internal structural damage that if left untreated can affect you moving forward in your marriage. The loss of trust which is the backbone of any marriage can easily be damaged.

In this very informative website, Truth by Deception, it’s very important that your partner understands your feelings and your point of view in this situation and that you make the effort to try to make sure they understand. The other alternative such as revenge will only compound the negative feelings that already exist.

Consider these steps when trying to regain trust:

1. 1. Understanding your partner’s feelings – By acknowledging and validating your partner feelings will do more to start and regain trust more than apologizing, explaining, or withdrawing.  These strategies do not offer real understanding.
2. 2. Saying your sorry with no strings attached. – We always avert to doing this too quickly like we do when we are kids to prevent us from getting a spanking from our parents. In relationships though, the quick apology only appeases your partner and doesn’t seem thoughtful or genuine.  Since you did wrong, take the heat and let it linger before you offer apologies.
3. Communicate the reasons behind the situation – At some point, your partner will want to know what happened. Do your best to explain emotionally what was going on, and not blaming your partner. Trying to deflect the problem onto your partner will only create a bigger wedge.
4. In order to avoid the same type of hurricane, promises need to be made. These promises need to be:
   • mutually agreed upon – both parties must be satisfied with the promises offered
   • reasonable – promises need to involve things that one can actually live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen when trying to rebuild trust)
   • explicitly clear – both parties should double-check their understanding of the promises being made
   • related to the betrayal that occurred – promises about future behavior need to be related to how trust was violated
5. The promises have to be kept at all cost, otherwise greater damage can occur.
6. Communicate on both sides how the promises are being kept. By acknowledging the partner that did the wrong is doing better helps them to understand you aren’t holding them hostage.

• External Structural Damage

In some cases the hurricane will cause external damage that may be irreparable. In the case of verbal abuse and/or domestic violence the outward scars may have to force you to leave the situation.

1. Make sure your children are taken care of. – They automatically won’t understand and may need to talk out their feelings.
2. Find a counselor. – After your kids are settled, you will definitely need to get support for yourself.
3. Rebuild your self-esteem. – I’m sure this will be done in your counseling sessions, but you will have to set personal goals, in order to feel confident that you are moving past the situation.
4. Don’t rush into a new relationship – you don’t want to fall into the same negative situation you don’t got out of.
5. Utilize your resources – maintain a good support system long after your relationship has ended. The stronger the support the better.

Strivers, let’s start to repair not only our lives affected by this week’s storm, but our marriages that have been damaged as well. Remember this month, is Gratitude month.

Coach Keith

Is your Marriage like Hurricane Sandy?

 

As the East Coast braces for Hurricane Sandy today and tomorrow, I can’t help but wonder how many marriages are taking on hurricane-like tendencies as I write.

What is a hurricane?  According to FEMA – A hurricane is a type of tropical cyclone or severe tropical storm that forms in the southern Atlantic Ocean, Caribbean Sea, Gulf of Mexico, and in the eastern Pacific Ocean. A typical cyclone is accompanied by thunderstorms, and in the Northern Hemisphere, a counterclockwise circulation of winds near the earth’s surface.

Some issues that can constantly swirl out of control and create widespread damage in your marriage are:

• Constantly arguing about issues and getting no where
• Constant negativity
• Having long periods of not speaking to each other
• Talking about divorce due to irreconcilable differences, money problems or dealing with infidelity

Like Hurricane Sandy which is on track to affect approximately 60 million people, the high winds and heavy rainfall of negativity in your marriage can have not just long-lasting damage to you as a couple, but can deeply affect your kids, your family and friends and your job.

Hurricanes in marriage are inevitable, so what precautions can you take to minimize the damage.

• To begin preparing, you should build an emergency kit and make a family communications plan. – Have someone you can go to for support. Sometimes you can’t see past the problems that a certified coach, or an unbiased person can see.
• Know your surroundings. – Take a step back and see how the negativity in your marriage is affects others. Looking at your marriage from a different perspective may help you fix things faster.
• Learn community hurricane evacuation routes and how to find higher ground. Determine where you would go and how you would get there if you needed to evacuate. – Find a place that is peaceful and tranquil that the two of you can go. The positive atmosphere can change your view in your marriage.
• Make plans to secure your property – Above all else, hunker down in your marriage because outside forces will try to step in and destroy what you have taken the time to build.
• Be sure trees and shrubs around your home are well-trimmed so they are more wind resistant. – Cut off the negative things that are causing problems in your marriage. i.e. if you are constantly arguing make a plan to affirm your partner until it becomes second nature.
• Install a generator for emergencies. – A little electricity(i.e. more sex)  in your marriage can jumpstart everything.
• Consider building a safe room. – Individually find a safe place that you can go to help you calm down, meditate, pray in order to bring clarity to the situation.

What other preparations can couples take to reduce the storms in their marriage?

I would love to hear from other Strivers?  Stay dry and more important of all stay safe?

 

Coach Keith