Defend These 10 Vows If You Want To Make Your Marriage Last.

Defense is the action of defending or resisting attack. Yet, as men, we often feel that we don’t need to be on guard for anything especially when it comes to marriage.

On the other hand, women not only are they on guard for the things that happen in their marriage, they are on guard about everything that happen in their lives.

Men, for those of us that watch and understand sports, we know that defense is very vital important part of the game. It’s the only way you win. We all know the phrases, “A good defense beats a good offense.” “Offense wins games, defense wins championships.”

If a fruitful long lasting relationship is what we desire, then we must realize that at some point our relationship will come under attack. In order to win, we must apply these 10 principles to ensure our marriages last.

1. Defend against not knowing your spouse

So we must understand your partner’s strengths and weaknesses as well as your own. Pushing and encouraging your spouse to be great can be very difficult if you don’t know your own. Marriages can be challenging when you are constantly focusing on your partner’s weaknesses.

2. Defend against not supporting or protecting her freedom.

We must understand that even though we both need and enjoy our spouse and vice versa, it’s also important for us to maintain our individuality. In particular, we need to feel like the decisions we’re making are truly coming from us. According to John Knee in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when people feel forced or coerced into making choices — like they didn’t have any real choice in the matter — they’re less happy and less fulfilled. And, as you might have guessed, that lack of happiness is problematic for relationships.

3. Defend against not voicing your wishes, desires, fears and dreams.

We must understand that we have needs, fears and desires outside of our spouse. Our partners will never fully deeply understand us if we never voice them. It’s that lack of deep connection the leads to our relationships ending.

4. Defend against sacrificing your needs out of obligation just to make her happy.

Once you figure out what your needs are, discuss with your partner how your needs can be met. This can be easier said than done because your spouse will have her own needs and it may come in direct conflict with yours.  So be aware that fulfilling your needs will involve difficult sacrifices on her part.

Make sure that when you do make sacrifices you do it only with love and care, and not with reluctance or resentment. If can’t make sacrifices for the right reasons, it’s probably better not to make the sacrifice at all.

 

5. Defend against not being there for your spouse when she needs you.

Your partner will rely on you the most for support. If you aren’t there when she is distressed or that soft place to fall, she will find someone else to do it. Rather it’s other women or another man. Then she will begin to think. What does she need you for?

6. Defend against not nurturing her goals and ambitions; supporting her through misfortune and celebrating triumphs.

Your partner wants to feel support when it comes to taking risks. There is nothing more secure when your partner can go out and conquer their goals, and there is a cheerleader pushing them and congratulating them.

7. Defend against a boring, passionless marriage. 

It’s no secret that couples are happier when they engage in new, interesting things together. You are basically telling your partner that you promise not to let your relationship fall into a rut.  We’re going to keep dating each other, keep travelling and exploring together, and keep sharing novel and interesting experiences with each other for the rest of your lives

8. Defend against bailing when times get tough.

This is where the better or worse come in; in other words, to stay committed to each other. When a couple sees themselves as a permanent partnership, their perspective on problems tends to shift from being about battling against each other to being about “ride together or die”. Having this type of commitment helps people to stop treating conflicts as all-or-nothing, instead keeping the wellbeing of your partner and your relationship in mind. Acting as a team, puts you in a better position to face challenges together.

9. Defend against callousness and unfairness because, you are a team now and for always.

In other words your marriage isn’t about carefully keeping score to ensure that we’re each contributing to the relationship fairly and equally. Instead, you’re promising to always strive to contribute what you can, based on the needs of your partner. You have to trust that your respective efforts will more or less balance out in the long run.

 

10. Defend against taking your marriage for granted.

When you appreciate your partner, you’re happier and more committed to the relationship. When you express gratitude to your partner, they feel more appreciated, and that makes them just as happy and just as committed. So promise to never take each other for granted, but rather to appreciate what you have and express early and often.

These ten things are the best defense to the offensive attacks that can ruin your marriage over the long haul. As Osho says, “The fully matured man has no fear defense; he is completely open and vulnerable.”

Keith Dent is a relationship, life coach at www.strive2succeedcoaching.com . He has appeared on sites like Your Tango, The Good Men Project, MamMia and The Real Dad’s Network and is the author of the upcoming book In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love.

3 Reasons Why Complementary Strengths Create The Power Couple!

Yen and Yang! Salt and Pepper! Beyoncé and Jay-Z!

In order to be a power couple, it’s critical that you find a partner with complementary strengths. We often feel either are partners should be happy you married them. Like they need you more than you need them. Even worse, that you can carry the marriage all by yourself with enough determination and perseverance.

Those thoughts are myths. Your complementary strengths can be the most dynamic part of your marriage, but you must make sure you do these three things.

Truly understand their strengths – It’s not enough to know that your partner is different, you must rely on those differences to move your marriage forward.

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Acknowledge their strengths – By putting your partner in a position where they use their strengths helps maximize their ability and helps them have their needs satisfied.

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Leverage their strengths – resist the temptation to resent your partners strengths especially during times of conflict. They must be accepted and used as much as possible.

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In the end, you and your partner have weaknesses and blind spots that can create challenges to having a great marriage. If your partner’s strengths can show you the light or help avoid or remove the obstacles it makes the marriage journey that much sweeter.

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What are your partner’s strengths?

If you are having trouble identifying or acknowledging your partner’s strengths, I would love to hear from you. Give me a shout at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com for a free 30-minute consultation.

 

Can You Have An Opinion Please! – How a lack of respect can ruin Trust!

 

In my last post 3 Ways Straight-Talk Can Help Your Marriage  we discussed how to regain trust from your spouse. This second behavior is about demonstrating respect.

This is probably one of the biggest ways you can outwardly show trust and the easiest way to damage it.

Respect is the intrinsic value you place on your partner. The higher the value the higher respect you will have for your spouse and vice versa.

You may be wondering how my lack of respect can correlate to how much she trusts you. It could summed up in something as simple as a restaurant selection.

Let’s just say as a couple you alternate between who selects the restaurant for dinner. When you pick the restaurant, you’re wife always gives you the approval for picking the restaurant even though she might not be all the way excited about it. When it’s time for her to pick and you say, “I don’t care!” You are telling your spouse. I don’t really care about you!

That was always one of my wife’s pet peeves. She hates people who don’t have an opinion. So imagine what our marriage would’ve been like if I never gave any feedback on a restaurant selection, or anything else for that matter.

It only takes ONE defining moment to lose the trust of a spouse because of disrespect.

So how can you get it back.

Recall your home training. The little things you do can speak volumes. By saying “Please” and “Thank You”, picking up your dirty underwear and sharing thoughts and your precious stuff can have a huge impact.

Treat her better than you  treat other women. – It sounds easy enough, but what if she has seen you holding the door for other women, especially in a work environment. She sure as hell is going to want to experience the same level of treatment, if not more on a regular basis.

Think about the specific things she has asked you to do, but you have stopped doing, or haven’t done at all. It may be something as minute as telling her you’re going to be late coming home from work, or buying a card just because. When you have been in a marriage for a long time as I have, you can take the little things for granted. But, in reality it’s the little things that maintain a marriage.

Respect can go a long way to rebuilding your trust and rebuilding your marriage. 

If you feel your spouse has lost respect for you marriage, what are some of the things you need to do to get it back? If you feel stuck, please email Coach Keith at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

The 3 B’s to Restoring Her Trust!

How many times have you betrayed your spouse’s trust. If I asked you that question, you probably would say, “Only a few times, but it wasn’t that bad.” Man, you are fooling yourself.

If I asked your spouse, she would proabably surprise you with the the number of times you have betrayed her. There are instances she just didn’t mention, because it was expected.

One major reason is that we gain our spouse’s trust through our action and not our words. How many times have we missed the boat on that (me included). It could be as simple as forgetting to lock the doors at night, or something more egregious like cheating on your spouse.

Trust must become a verb in your life. What you say will not have the impact you want if there isn’t action behind it. You can tell you wife, you are working on compromising, but if you continue to undermine her point-of-view then you come across as insincere. You can say you put her first, but if you don’t do them, your word have little meaning and trust is destroyed.

Believe you can change.

Countless marriage have been saved, even transformed when the person that violated the trust was able to restore it. It take a change in mindset. It will help if it become a sense of purpose and you spare no effort to please your wife and enjoy her.

Build up the Trust Bank

You have destroyed trust by withdrawing from the trust bank, now you have to put it back. This may take longer than you expect. One reason is the usually the withdrawals are larger than the deposits you put back in and your deposit may also not have a great a value a you realize. For example, if you have the tendency to be late for events that involve your spouse, then all of sudden you turn that around and start to come on time, you may expect a thing to be all good. What you fail to realize is you not coming on time, may mean something deeper than you know yet.

Be patient

And above all else, try not make anymore withdrawals that will erode the progress have already made.

Over the next few week we will examine 13 plays you must do to build back her trust.

If you feel you have exhausted all of your opportunities and you still haven’t regained her trust, contact me at info@strive2succceedcoaching.com. We will come up with a game plan get her trust back and have the relationship you want and need.

 

Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango

 

Since Greg Hardy has been in the news this week, I figured I would send you an article about what the NFL’s should do around creating a new Domestic Violence policy?  Here is my take on what changes could be made to be more pro-active from the Commish’s office.

Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango.

In the Trenches: How 5 leadership qualities from Tom Brady can help improve your relationship!

If anyone could’ve have thrown in the towel this year it would be New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

Gone are Wes Welker (signed with the Broncos), Brandon Lloyd (released in March, still unsigned) and Danny Woodhead (now with the Chargers). Tight ends Rob Gronkowski andAaron Hernandez could be sidelined for completely different reasons; the former is recovering from his latest surgery — this time on his back — and the latter was arrested Wednesday, charged with murder and released by the team.

Instead, he turned his obstacles into triumph, as the Patriots clinched the AFC East division title for the fifth straight year and is trying to gain the #1 seed in the final week of the season.

You may wonder despite the obstacles Tom Brady faced at the beginning of the year, how was he still able to be great. Perhaps 2013, wasn’t the best year for your marriage or relationship and you are hoping that it returns to greatness. You might want to take a page from Tom Brady’s leadership style to help your relationship get back on track.

1. Work hard. We’ve heard that marriage/relationships are hard work and yet we still might not do what the work that is necessary in our relationships. Tom Brady sets the tone by working hard every day and pays attention to the littlest details.
2. Takes control, but doesn’t take over. One issue that may challenge our relationship is if we feel that our partner isn’t working hard enough around certain things i.e. the household, or raising the children, we may just take control of the situation and do it ourselves. What makes Tom Brady great as a leader is that he knows when to step in, when to pull back and when to motivate the entire team. He also knows when to let others do their job and hold them accountable for it.
3. Takes ownership for his mistakes. Tom Brady knew this year would be different. As we stated earlier, Brady had lost his top five receivers. With new receivers like Aaron Dobson and Kenbrell Thompkins, he understood their would be some growing pains and frustration. Did he throw them under the bus, when they didn’t meet his expectations, no! He took ownership for his own failures. Earlier in the season he stated,

   “I’m not making all the right plays, either,” Brady told WEEI radio. “It’s not like the rookie receivers are messing up all the time — no, not at all. Look, I’ve been really able to count on those guys. They’ve done an incredible job. I think we’ve got to improve in all aspects of our offense, and that will hopefully remove some of the burden that is fallen on the receivers right now. We have a lot of veteran players that aren’t playing right now, too, that if they were playing, the burden would be spread around to different guys who have actually been able to, would shoulder a lot of that responsibility that’s now fallen on the younger players.

   “And the younger players are doing a great job. They’re working really hard. Their attitude is great. It’s been fun to work with them. Hopefully it all pays off in November and December when if we can ever get to a point

   

    where we have a lot of our guys back and healthy and playing really well.”

4. Communication. Communication isn’t just about talking to each other, it’s much more. It’s knowing and understanding your partners non-verbal cues and trying to get on the samepage. This year when working with the new receivers, Tom Brady took on a new role as teacher to constantly instill what the expectations were and how patience and constant practice would pay dividends toward the end of the season when it counted most.
5. Make time for your priorities. Finally on order for your marriage/relationship to get back on track, it must become a priority. When Tom Brady is on the field, he is working and it’s all business. When he is off the field, it’s all about family.

If your relationship was a little rocky this past year, what quality from Tom Brady can you use to get back on track for 2014.

Coach Keith

In the Trenches – How do I help them forget about the Ex.?

In 2012, after 14 years of marriage, the Indianapolis Colts felt it was time to move on. Sent packing by his only NFL team, one he transformed from afterthought to Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning said goodbye to the Indianapolis Colts with a shaky voice and tear-filled eyes, then got ready to find a new place to play quarterback.

“Nobody loves their job more than I do. Nobody loves playing quarterback more than I do. I still want to play. But there is no other team I wanted to play for,” said Manning, who turns 36 this month.

This Sunday, Peyton Manning will return to the place where he called home amidst a lot of fanfare. Some of the Indianapolis Colt fans are really looking forward to his return, but not in a way that you would think. Angie Six, devoted Colts fan, and blogger puts it this way.

In college I fell in love with a sports fan, and his enthusiasm was contagious.  Shortly, after I we got married, we moved to Tennessee. It was 1997, we were in the middle of SEC country, and a kid named Peyton Manning was king. There was something about the guy I couldn’t resist. His dorkiness, his antics at the line of scrimmage, his work ethic, those commercials. I watched football just to watch him, and suddenly found myself caring about the rules, the players, and other teams. But it was mostly about Peyton.

Come Sunday, my loyalty is with the Colts. Peyton is the big brother who left for college when you were a kid. Now he’s back. You missed him like crazy, but you can’t wait to show him how big and strong you got while he was gone. You want to wrestle him, pin him to the ground, and then hug it out.

With all the attention focused on Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck, the Colt’s current quarterback has rarely been mentioned in the conversation. But,

Luck is dealing with something Manning never had to contend with: following an icon. He could go on to have a very good NFL career and still fall short of the standard set by his predecessor.

According to Brandi Mitchell, author of the The Blended Family Survival Guide, blended families have become the new norm.

More and more people are having children before marriage, and the reality is that most people who do have children before marriage, end up marrying someone other than the parent of their child. Add to that the rising rate of divorce and remarriages and about 1300 new blended families are created in the U.S. everyday.

In fact statistics show that:

• 50 percent of all Americans are involved in some type of blended or stepfamily relationship, which is about 75 million Americans.

• 30 million children under the age of 13 are currently living with one biological parent and that parents current partner.

• And, 1 in 3 people are a stepchild, stepsibling, or stepparent.

Many people are also getting married later in life, which means the chances are extremely high that when they do marry someone or get in a serious relationship, that person (or sometimes both people) will usually have a child, sometimes  MORE THAN one child with them.

So, if you are a new spouse replacing an ex. that was so revered, how do you start to carve your place into the family. In our In the Trenches segment, here are some tips:

Establish your own Love Bank style.

According to Dr. Harley, author of His Need/Her Need there is a place within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. It’s your emotions’ way of encouraging you to be with those who make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into that person’s account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love.

Acknowledge the challenge.

You knew that your spouse was bringing a child from a previous relationship into the marriage, so that part of your situation can’t be a shock, just like Andrew did, when he was given the reigns as the Colts starting quarterback. If you’re shocked about having to come up with a plan to resolve difficulties, get over it! Nobody said this would be an easy hill to climb. You need to sit down with your spouse to discuss money, discipline, childcare and any other issues that you haven’t mutually agreed upon yet.

Create a personal relationship.

Make a commitment to developing a relationship with your stepchild that has nothing to do with your spouse. Set aside some special time in which you and the child can interact alone. You also need to stop thinking of your stepchild as “his/her kid” and regard the child as an individual. Make no doubt about it, you are a pivotal person in that child’s life.

Being interviewed before his Sunday Night match-up Luck had this to say, “I figured if you can take of your business, if you can hopefully win some football games then it becomes easier on that end.”

And the same goes for you as the new partner in a blended family. If you can take care of business, and enjoy some wins with the family, it will become easier over the years.

In the Trenches – Never Give UP!

Just when you think the game is all over, a miracle happens. Yesterday, in the region of New England, the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots pulled out the most improbable wins in their games yesterday. According to ESPN Boston, with 1:20 seconds left in the game, the New England Patriots had a 5.3% chance of winning the game, while the Boston Red Sox after not even remotely scoring a run had a 3.8% chance to win trailing the Detroit Tigers 5-1 in the 8th inning.

In dating, I am sure there have been times where you decided there was no hope in finding a partner and felt that it was time to give up. In fact , according to the 2012 study by the National Center for Health Statistics, over 40% of women and 16% men will have never marry and get the feeling that it’s time to just focus on my career or being the best aunt and uncle I can be. When you are In the Trenches and feel that way, think about these two games and these 4 tips that will help you to never give up.

Tip #1 – Have a game plan and stick to it.  

If you are dating on your own, or have turned to on-line dating, have a game plan for the type of partner that compliments you and not completes you because you are already complete, and stick to it. The longer you go without a partner the tendency you have to stay with the first one that shows just a little interest even though he/she isn’t right for you. This weekend I came across a Amy Webb from a Ted Talk episode that did made sure she stuck to her guns.

Tip #2 – It takes only one.

We always think that we have to meet so many men/women in order to find the one. In reality, you only need to meet one, but he/she just has to be the right one. So if you put your best foot forward, and over time if you can minimize your anxious/avoidant behavior. (See my Attachment Series)

Tip #3 – Never Give Up.

Despite what the your fans (family & friends) may it will never happen, you have to keep believing it will. It may take months, or years, but once it does, you will be overjoyed when it does. Just ask the RED SOX and Patriots Fans last night.

If you are in the trenches, can you remember a time when you thought there was no chance you would be in a relationship?  I would love to hear your story.

Coach Keith

In the Trenches – Why an Offensive line is so important in Marriage.

Since, I love so much, as well as relationship coaching so much, I figured I would combine the two. With that said, I am starting a new series, called “In the Trenches!”  It’s a new way to talk about relationships through the lens of sports. I hope this will spark dialogue between couples especially men.

Today’s blog will begin with my New York Giants and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Both teams are 0-4. The Giants haven’t started a season this way since 1987, and the Pittsburgh Steelers even farther back since 1968. One of the main contributors of this fact is because their offensive lines are so poor. The Steelers are  26th in scoring with only 17 points per game, while the Giants are 30th with 15 points per game. To put this in perspective, the number one team in the league averages over 45 points per game.

The heart and soul of any good football team is its offensive line. There’s no position that requires more discipline or technique than offensive lineman. Success as an offensive football team hinges on their ability to control the line of scrimmage.

To be a good offensive line requires more than just discipline or good blocking technique, it requires pride — pride in yourself; your group and your team. A team with pride is a hard team to beat, because they’re willing to do the little things that most teams aren’t willing to do.

No detail should ever be overlooked, regardless of how minute it may seem. The difference between winning and losing often lies in the failure to do the little things.

In marriage, the little things matter just as much as they do for a football team. You have to be in the right position to succeed.

So if you are having trouble getting your man to respond, try these 3 techniques.

Put him the position to protect.  If you have a concern about something, as him an open-ended question. If you ask him a yes/no question, you will get a yes/no answer.  “Don’t act helpless, but let him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you,” says David Givens, PhD, author of Love Signals. So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like a hero, he will act like a hero.

Put him in a position to be free. Even emotionally healthy men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they’ve become a husband. “By making it clear that you don’t expect your guy to change, he’ll feel like you truly understand him but don’t threaten his sense of self,” says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of Secrets You Keep from Yourself.  So continue to encourage him to hang out with the fellas.

Put him in a position to be the best. Maybe he’s cocky, but he’s still insecure. Like in sports, guys need to know that they’re respected and appreciated. “When being around you increases a guy’s esteem, he will continue to do things to receive the same response from you.

Husbands, if you wife is about to put you in the bench make sure you do these three things.

To be dependable. Most women have a need to feel like they can count on their men to come through for them when they need it. To ensure that your girl feels this way about you, be dependable in the small things. Be where you say you will be, when you say you will be. And if you say you are going to do something, do it. Don’t let things slip away. It’s the small things in life that add up to someone being considered dependable.

To be able to Talk. One of the things women really want from their men is for him to talk to her. What this means is that she wants meaningful conversation with you. Tell her how you’re doing; your hopes and dreams. Tell her what you’re thinking about when she’s not around. Tell her about what’s on your mind, and listen to her when she responds even if she might not like what you have to say.

To be understood. Just because it’s not a big deal to you as a husband, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to her! Sometimes we will fight because we want to be right.  It’s not about right and wrong–its just different. The good news is, you don’t have to fully understand in order to respond well! Your wife wants to feel like she is heard, understood. By feeling understood, then she feels you care.

What are some other little things husband’s or wives can do to feel honored in marriage.

 

Coach Keith