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When You’re a Real Man…A Real Woman! (Love Tune Tuesday. Vol 9.20.16)

I am a real man
Lord knows it’s hard
Sometimes I just need a woman’s touch
Sweet affection, love and support
When it’s real it’s unconditional
I’m telling y’all

You’re a real woman
Lord knows it’s hard
You need a real man to give you what you need
Sweet attention, love and tenderness
When it’s real, it’s unconditional
I’m telling y’all

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Posted by on September 20, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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Are You a Man With Dreams?

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Are You That One Man Out Of 4 That Is Abusing His Wife. Get Help While You Still Can!

We have to do better by the women we call mom, wife girlfriend, sister cousin. Too often, we hear stories about how they are being murdered or abused by a dad, husband, boyfriend, brother or cousin and powerless to do anything about it.

You will always hear about how the victim’s family noticed something that was wrong, or rushed in to take her to a hospital or a shelter.

But what about the abuser’s family. Do they not see the scars of the victim? Do they not see how their male relative wreaks havoc onto his wife and children?

Maybe a blind eye is turned only to come back later with tears and apologies because they did nothing more. Or perhaps, they just didn’t know the signs.

This past week I attended a Domestic Violence Symposium sponsored by the YWCA of Union County, NJ and was startled by some of the things I saw and heard.

One of four women are victims of Domestic Violence and every day, at least 3 women are murdered every day by a husband or boyfriend. So if I had to break this down to its smallest form, all I would have to do was think about a dinner party I attended that same night with the brothers that lived across the street from me. One of their wives’ could possibly be a victim of domestic violence.

How Does It Start.

First there was Joe. He was the oldest brother and we had known each other the longest, thirty years. He was an easy-going guy, the life of the party. His wife on the other hand was very outspoken almost to the point of being mean. How would domestic violence happen in this case? It would start out by verbal altercations that would lead to a slap or a punch. Physical abuse wouldn’t happen right away.

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In fact, Denair Huggins, the keynote speaker, at this event explained that’s how her abuse started. If I had heard this was the case with my oldest friend, I would feel compelled to say something if for nothing else to keep him from killing someone and going to jail for the rest of his life. And what do you think he would say? Probably one of two things. He would admit to me, “This will never happen again.” Or tell me to get lost. With this confrontation, the episodes may die down, but without serious intervention or support the violence will only escalate.

I just need to keep my family together.

The I think about Jackson. He was the youngest brother, but he had been married the longest. He had two beautiful children by his wife Diane whom he had dated since college. Because there are children involved and I was their Godfather, it would take every fiber of my being to keep me from inflicting that same punishment he unleashed on his wife. But knowing her, she would not want that. Coming from a family where her parents have been married almost forty years, she would see this as a failure if her family fell apart.

That’s the same reason, Natalie Saveedra used in a recent article in the New York Times only to be stabbed in a murder-suicide by her husband that resulted in her children being raised by relatives instead of their loving home.

I have no Income, what am I going to do.

I finally think about Jameson who is now the sole income provider. 98% of domestic abuse cases also involve some sort of financial abuse. This type of abuse takes on 3 types.

  • Economic Control where the abuser makes all the important decisions when it comes to finances.
  • Employment Sabotage where the abuser makes it impossible for the victim to maintain employment because the abuser consistently makes a scene or several until she finally quits amidst embarrassment
  • Economic exploitation where the victims credit gets destroyed because the abuser ruined it by taking out lines of credit in their name.

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One of the scenarios may be impacting your family right now. We can’t sit by and watch our sister’s-in-law, mother’s-in-law fall prey the males we are closest to abuse their spouses.

We have to help our men to understand and admit their behavior is a problem. Not only for them, but for their families and our communities.

They must take responsibility for their actions and put the work in if they want to change their behavior. And just like we stand by the victim, we must also stand by the abuser and get them the help they need. Before it’s too late.

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

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In the Trenches – Never Give UP!

Just when you think the game is all over, a miracle happens. Yesterday, in the region of New England, the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots pulled out the most improbable wins in their games yesterday. According to ESPN Boston, with 1:20 seconds left in the game, the New England Patriots had a 5.3% chance of winning the game, while the Boston Red Sox after not even remotely scoring a run had a 3.8% chance to win trailing the Detroit Tigers 5-1 in the 8th inning.

In dating, I am sure there have been times where you decided there was no hope in finding a partner and felt that it was time to give up. In fact , according to the 2012 study by the National Center for Health Statistics, over 40% of women and 16% men will have never marry and get the feeling that it’s time to just focus on my career or being the best aunt and uncle I can be. When you are In the Trenches and feel that way, think about these two games and these 4 tips that will help you to never give up.

Tip #1 – Have a game plan and stick to it.  

If you are dating on your own, or have turned to on-line dating, have a game plan for the type of partner that compliments you and not completes you because you are already complete, and stick to it. The longer you go without a partner the tendency you have to stay with the first one that shows just a little interest even though he/she isn’t right for you. This weekend I came across a Amy Webb from a Ted Talk episode that did made sure she stuck to her guns.

Tip #2 – It takes only one.

We always think that we have to meet so many men/women in order to find the one. In reality, you only need to meet one, but he/she just has to be the right one. So if you put your best foot forward, and over time if you can minimize your anxious/avoidant behavior. (See my Attachment Series)

Tip #3 – Never Give Up.

031021soxfan2Despite what the your fans (family & friends) may it will never happen, you have to keep believing it will. It may take months, or years, but once it does, you will be overjoyed when it does. Just ask the RED SOX and Patriots Fans last night.

If you are in the trenches, can you remember a time when you thought there was no chance you would be in a relationship?  I would love to hear your story.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2013 in In the Trenches, Uncategorized

 

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The Secure Couple’s Guide to Conflict Resolution.

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In the final installment of the Attachment series, we will deal with the subject of conflict resolution. One misconception about marriages & great relationships is that these couples’ don’t have conflict. Quite the contrary! It’s not the that they don’t have conflict, they just have the right tools to handle it. According to Attachment researchers conflict can serve as a way for couples to get closer and deepen their bond, not drive them apart like in anxious/avoidant relationships.

Individuals have a distinct way to deal with conflict that could be helpful to individuals that have a different attachment style.

These five distinct practices can help diffuse and resolve conflict.

  1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. (Our happiness is dependent on the other and vice-versa.)
  2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. (When there’s a willingness to resolve a specific problem, people feel that they’re being heard and it brings both parties closer together.)
  3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. (By keeping the argument restricted to the topic they avoid making disparaging remarks and blowing things out of proportion.)
  4. Be willing to engage (When you are both willing to stay and deal with the issue do you find a resolution that you can both live with and the process helps them be more in-tune with each other.)
  5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs. (Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. By being an active agent it opens the door to a more emotional, richer dialogue.

Why can’t insecure couples adopt these practices.

Individuals who are anxious, or avoidants have several aspects that make it difficult for them to adopt these conflict resolution principles.

An anxious partner will have their basic concerns about their partners responsiveness to their needs about being rejected or abandoned. When a conflict arises, they experience many negative thoughts and react by using any behavior to get their partner’s attention. Their response is often dramatic, but ineffective.

An avoidant person is also concerned about their partner not really being their for them, but they will deal with concerns in a totally different way. They will suppress their need for closeness by shutting down emotionally and adopting a sense of independence. The more personal the conflict becomes, the stronger their urge grows to distance themselves from the situation.

Secure Principles can work for any relationship.

If you or your partner has an anxious/avoidant attachment style, you will have to work harder to make the relationship work especially when conflicts arise. Being centered on your own needs and hurts can cause a lot of trouble. You must keep these truths in mind when dealing with conflict.

  • A single fight is not a relationship breaker.
  • Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you,say so.
  • Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s  bad mood. It is most likely not because of you.
  • Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs.
  • Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know.

I hope that this series will help you restore your faith in relationships and that they shouldn’t be left to chance. Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. If couples can understand that a mismatched attachment style can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in relationships and work hard to tend to each other’s relationship well-being, you will give yourself the best shot at finding deeply, gratifying love.

Coach Keith

 

Material based on the book Attached. The New Science of Adult 
Attachment and How It Can Help YOU Find and Keep Love.
 
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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Attachment Series

 

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How to make your strong, independent wife powerless: 10 rules of marriage for an insecure husband.

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There is a phenomenon that is sweeping the country. It started in the deep south and is slowly making it’s way across the country. Insecure men are dating and marrying strong, powerful women. I wasn’t sure how they are doing it, except possibly using their fragility and sensitivity to do it. As a man, how do you look in the mirror and feel like you measure up to you wife? Until, I came across the rules from a husband that his wife lives by everyday.

An insecure man’s guide to making your wife feel powerless. Here are the 10 Rules:

Rule #1 – You must not have single friends and cannot communicate or spend time with them.

Rule #2 – Your wife must be home when you get home regardless of who she is with or what she is doing.

Rule#3 – Your wife must go to be when you go to bed regardless of what time of day or what chores need to be tended to prior to bed.

Rule #4  – Your wife must watch whatever you want to watch on TV and cannot read a book or do anything other than lay in bed watching your selection. And remember she must be naked,or in sexy lingerie at all times.

Rule #5 – Your wife cannot leave town for any reason regardless if its for work or family.

Rule #6 – Your wife must do as she is told and do not question.

Rule #7 – Must feed, wash and groom me as requested.

Rule #8 – When in public your wife must be seen and not heard. She can’t do anything that will result in embarrassment for you.

Rule #9 – Your wife must and I mean must have sex with your before leaving for work and before going to sleep. And must not complain about it either.

Rule #10 – Rules will change or added as you see fit in order to remove more power.

So what do you think about the rules. Will they catch on and make their way into your home?

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2013 in iLoveStrong QoTD, Let's Discuss

 

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When the Trap can’t be escaped. – Nine Strategies on how to Survive a Breakup.

In the previous blog we talked about being trapped in an anxious-avoidant relationships. Well, what if you can’t escape that trap? Sometimes you can try everything to make a relationship more normal and secure, but overtime the interaction between two attachment styles can become truly harmful. Unfortunately, in these cases, anxious and avoidant people can bring out the worst in each other, “Abnormal” becomes normal. So in order to regain normalcy in your life, exiting this type of relationship may be the only option.

Here are Nine Strategies that will help you survive the breakup.

  1. Ask yourself what life was like for you in the “inner circle.”  – Remember your life in his/her inner circle? It more than likely had some of these characteristics:
    1. When he/she was ashamed for you meet their friends.
    2. When you were the most likely the victim of his/her insults.
    3. When he/she couldn’t care less about your emotional, or physical health.
  2. Build a support network ahead of time. – Let your friends and family know what the relationship is really like. This may help you reconnect with the relationships you might have severed.
  3. Find a comforting, supportive place to stay for the first few nights. – You will need a strong support network to avoid the temptation to go back. Parents, siblings or your closest of friends.
  4. Get your attachments needs met in other ways.  – Find other ways to quiet down your emotions like a massage, plenty of exercise and your favorite restaurant.
  5. Don’t be ashamed if you slip up and reconnect with your Ex. – Don’t beat yourself up if you reconnect with your ex.  It’s important that you keep a level head because if you begin to feel bad about yourself, may cause you to want to go back.
  6. If you’re having a hard time, don’t feel guilty. Remember, the pain you are feeling is real. – Pain is inevitable in these type of situations. Your friends will try to get you to rebound quickly. Let them know you will heal in your own time, but you will heal.
  7. When you get flooded with positive memories, ask a close friend to zap you back to reality. – If you begin to paint your ex in a more positive light than it was in reality, give your friends permission to remind you.
  8. Play the game. Write down all the reasons you wanted to leave. – The goal is to deactivate your attachment system. The best way is to continue to look at your list to remind you of all the hurt  you received.
  9. Know that no matter how much pain you’re going through now, it will pass. – Greener pastures await.

I would love to hear additional tips on how you survived a break-up. Feel free to comment to add value to our Strivers.

Coach Keith

Material taken from Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine M.D.

 
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Posted by on August 18, 2013 in Attachment Series

 

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