6 Ways Single Moms Can Raise Their Son To Exemplify Positive Masculinity.

Photo by Larry Crayton on Unsplash

When your relationship ends after you have children, you may worry about many things.

Work-life balance, guilt for not being able to spend as much time at home, and fatigue from trying to carry the entire load — emotionally, cognitively, and psychologically.

And if you’re raising sons, you may have an additional worry: How do you raise them to exhibit the positive qualities of manhood?

Boys need positive male role models who can show them traits of positive masculinity.

But what if your ex-husband has no plans to financially, socially, emotionally, or mentally raise your son to be the man you want him to be?

The first thing I want you to do is to take a deep breath and remember this: Don’t believe the hype! You can do it!https://b6b83d5f24e957ebc35f61813cdff5d8.safeframe.googlesyndication.com/safeframe/1-0-38/html/container.html

Did you know that Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, and comedian Kevin Hart are just a few successful men that have been raised by single mothers?

To read what positive masculinity looks like when you are a single mom raising your son, click here.

Has Your Tinder Man Fallen in Love with You? Here Are The 7 Signs!

 

Finding Love on Tinder is minefield that most people don’t want to enter.

If you are lucky enough to meet a nice guy, have meaningful conversations that lead to, casual dates, and a few hookups, it has a chance to develop into a relationship.

Love is an entirely different thing. You want to be clear that this relationship you are building is something that can become sustainable. Click here to read the 7 signs that his feelings for you is turning into something more.

5 Reasons Why Saying “I Love You” On Valentine’s Day Could Be A Bad Idea!

 

Valentine’s Day couldn’t have been more perfect. You and your date had a romantic dinner. You bought a card that truly expressed your feelings and the night ended with a wonderful night of sex.

Then you said it! I Love You! Deep in your heart you knew you weren’t ready, but you got caught up in the moment. Now that the words are out there in the open, here are 5 reasons why your mouth may have written a check you’re not ready to cash.

When you say “I Love You,” you are telling your partner that the physical attraction and unique bond is so strong, no side-chick can come between you.

When you say “I Love You,” you are telling your partner there is a promise of things to come. You are ready to talk about more than just what movie you are going to see or where you are going to eat for dinner. You are ready to talk about serious topics like marriage and raising a family.

When you say “I Love You,” you intend to stick around. This tell her that you ready to do the little things that make her smile, not just the normal “grand” gestures that usually happen strictly in dating relationships. You are also ready to COMMIT. This is huge especially if you are used to living life.

When you say “I Love You,” you are telling her you plan to put in the work to maintain and strengthen your love despite how crazy or emotional she gets. The more time you spend together, you more time you will get to know each others weaknesses and button points. It will be important that you acknowledge them and not use them to put a wedge in the relationship.

When you say “I Love You,” you are not just checking off the box in the relationship manual. A relationship is a marathon and not a sprint. Even though most days will be filled with love, there are some days not so much. You can’t just throw in the towel when you hit a rough patch. The two of you will have to sit down, communicate and figure out how you make it work.

Valentine’s Day is not just about cards and gifts.  If you tell your woman “I Love You,” you are giving her so much more. Make sure you are ready.

If you are unsure if you are ready to make the next step and you want to make sure, contact me for a free consultation at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

 

Coach Keith

Don’t let the Holidays force you into bad choices.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, we are quickly moving to the Christmas holidays and ringing in 2014. So that means countless office parties, winter weddings and holiday soirees, What that also means is that means another opportunity to meet the love of your life, or to end another year where you will check “single” on your 1040-EZ form.

Fear of being alone can cause people to make bad choices when it comes to relationships. In fact according to a  new study by the University of Toronto (U of T) study has found published in the December edition of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found fear of being single is a meaningful predictor of settling for less in relationships among both men and women.

“Those with stronger fears about being single are willing to settle for less in their relationships,” says lead author Stephanie Spielmann, postdoctoral researcher in the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology. “Sometimes they stay in relationships they aren’t happy in, and sometimes they want to date people who aren’t very good for them.” She adds, “Now we understand that people’s anxieties about being single seem to play a key role in these types of unhealthy relationship behaviors.”

“In our results we see men and women having similar concerns about being single, which lead to similar coping behaviors, contradicting the idea that only women struggle with a fear of being single,” says co-author, Professor Geoff MacDonald of the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychology. “Loneliness is a painful experience for both men and women, so it’s not surprising that the fear of being single seems not to discriminate on the basis of gender.”

So if you fill the tug at your heart to settle for someone who might not be worthy of your time, Here are some tips to avoid a potential bad choice.

1. Educate yourself! The mainstream media this time of year is filled with really unhealthy messages regarding relationships, for example that you need another person to make the holidays complete. These romantic notions work great in books and the Hallmark channel but are highly destructive if taken literally. You are always a whole and indivisible being, capable of immense self-love, self acceptance and self sexuality.
2. Tell yourself you are making a choice to be single! This is a paradigm shift that may help you in the long run. By consciously making the choice, if will shift the way you view your life and how you live it when it comes to sharing it with your co-workers, family and friends.
3. Be self disciplined! Instead of remaining the victim of your own fear of being single, take control! Tell yourself that you will actively remain single for a the holidays. If you do plan to date, try to make sure the dates give are fun and give you ample time to get know someone.
4. Do what you want! In the end your relationship status is a personal choice, there is no right or wrong, no good or bad. Instead of being the victim of cultural assumptions and societal norms, take the time to find out how you really would like to engage with other people. What kind of status would you choose if there was no pressure, no assumptions? Take your time and find what’s best for you. If you think something is a good idea then there have already been many others who think the same, and have most likely blazed a trail for you to follow. The way you engage in relationships, or don’t is not what’s important, the important thing is doing in consciously, and doing what’s right for YOU!
5. It’s ALWAYS better to be single than to start a bad relationship! There’s not much more to say here. Getting into,or an unhealthy, bad relationship simply out of a fear of being alone is a really bad idea. It takes a lot of courage to take that leap into being single, but it’s always, 100% of the time worth it when the relationship is causing more harm than good.

Strivers has there ever been a time where you wanted to get into a relationship out of fear of being alone? What did you do to avoid it?

Let’s make the holiday season a great one.

Coach Keith

Effective Communication will cure past mistakes.

You have now survived your break-up based on the tools give in my previous post, When the Trap can’t be escaped! It’s time to prepare yourself when you meet the next person, at a friend’s social gathering, or at work, even at a wedding. Stranger things have happened when it involves LOVE.

You now understand what your attachment style is, but to be fully armored for your next relationship and to cure your past relationship mistakes, this tool will help you be fully equipped. Effective Communication!

What’s the Purpose of Effective Communication!

Effective Communication serves several purposes:

1. Will help you save time. In this digital age, you can get caught up and entrenched in someone else’s life adding a potential mate to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. With effective communication, you can determine whether your potential partner will be able to meet your needs. Asking the right questions and being direct about what you need to make a relationship sustainable. If a person is truly engaged about your wants and desires and chooses to put your well-being first, the relationship has promise.
2. Identifying your needs to your partner gives the opportunity to meet them. Most of the time in relationships we always work to put our best foot forward and avoid telling our partners about our weaknesses. Identifying those needs up front removes the mask and allows your partner to reciprocate.
3. Judge verbal and nonverbal responses. – it’s not always what your partner says that’s important, but what they don’t say that can help you understand your importance to them:
   1. Does s/he try to get to the bottom of your concerns?
   2. Does s/he respond to the issue at hand or does s/he try to duck you.
   3. Does s/he take your concerns seriously or does s/he try to belittle you and make you feel foolish.
   4. Does s/he try to make you feel better or is s/he go on the defensive.
   5. Does s/he only concerned about the facts or are they in tune with your emotional security
4. If you are anxious, effective communication can be used as a substitute for acting out emotionally. When your attachment system is activated, you tend to do something to bring your partner closer to the detriment of the relationship. Effective Communication will help you truly address your relationship concerns. If you’re avoidant, effective communication will let your partner understand your need for space within the relationship whether it be emotional or physical. This will help assure your partner that it’s not about them.

What are the Five Principles of Effective Communication!

1. Being emotionally brave. Be open and honest about your feelings.
2. “Need”, “Feel” and “Want” are your best friends. These words will be crucial to expressing what you will need from your partner.
3. Be specific. Part of effective communication will require you to be specific in order for your partner to truly understand.
4. Don’t play the blame game. If you focus on your partner’s issues, it will dilute what you are trying to accomplish.
5. Be assertive and don’t apologize. Your attachment style is based on who you are. Don’t feel bad about that. Own your personality. It’s the key to your happiness.

If you use these tools effectively, you will be on your way to a strong relationship. Remember, effective communication is a process, your concerns and deal breakers won’t be solved overnight, but if your partner is concerned about your well-being and have taken your interests to heart. It’s a great start,

Coach Keith

 

Material taken from Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine M.D.

Everyone can have Secure Partner! The question is do you want one?

Before I met, PG there was someone in my life that I actually adored. I really thought that she was “the one”, and I never could figure out, why she wasn’t.

We are good friends to this day and she was able to find the person that was right for her, but with the invention of FACEBOOK,  I was curious why we didn’t work out? Simply put, she wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I could provide; stable, secure, BORING.

Everyone can have a partner that is very secure about the relationship. The question is, do you want that type of person in your life? In this age of reality TV, and constant news coverage, it may be hard to fathom being with someone who has a secure relationship style. Due to the lack of drama in their life, it can be perceived they are emotionless, even boring. Quite the contrary, if you have an avoidant attachment style, or and anxious attachment style, a secure person is exactly the person you should seek.

Here’s why:

People that are secure have Buffering Powers.

According to Patrick Keelan as part of his doctoral dissertation from the University of Toronto found that individuals with a secure attachment style are more satisfied in their relationships, but what is even greater about them is they are able to decrease their partner’s insecure relationship satisfaction level.

What you see is not usually what you get!

Individuals with secured attachment styles come in all shapes and sizes. The might be the life of the party, but also the biggest wallflower in the room. One thing is for certain, they can handle any relationship as if it’s by magic.

They possess these superpowers that other attachment styles just can’t master.

1. Can diffuse most conflicts – during a fight, they don’t get defensive, and don’t try to escalate a situation by injuring or punishing their partner.
2. Mentally flexible – not threatened by criticism and can revise their beliefs or strategies if necessary.
3. Effective communicators – they are naturals at expressing their feelings freely and accurately.
4. Don’t play games – They want closeness, so if you are down with that..Step up.
5. They enjoy closeness  for what it is. – And aren’t afraid of it, which is difficult for the anxious if the closeness isn’t t their standards, or the avoid ants, who will bolt at the nearest indication of it.
6. Find it easy to forgive – Feel their partner’s intentions are good, even when they mess up.
7. They don’t try and separate intimacy and sex.
8. If you are in their inner circle, you are treated as such.
9. Secure in their power to improve the relationship.
10. Responsible for their partner’s well-being.

You won’t have time to make up you mind.

A person with a secured attachment style will naturally gravitate toward those people who make them happy. They will not fall prey to the emotional highs and lows that plague anxious individuals and they will not project a false fantasy that you are “the one” and then pull the rug from under your feet when you decide to show your true feelings.

Because they are effective communicators, they will let you know how they feel about you. It will be up to you to determine if you are ready to go the distance. They will take the chance.

So if you  are one of non-secure attachment styles, you must decide very early into the relationship if you can handle that because they will not be around very long for you to make up your mind.

Don’t take Secureds for granted.

You make think you have hit the lottery, when you are able to finally have that secured stable man/woman that you have longed for all your life. But don’t be fooled, you will have to make a concerted effort to move to a more secure frame of mind, which will take some work on your part. You will know if you have pushed things too far, if your once secured partner has taken on the traits that you possess. Let’s hope that never happens.

What do you think about this topic? Have you ever pushed someone who seemed secure out of your life based on your attachment style? If you were able to get them back, how did you do it? I would love to hear?

Coach Keith

Men are the New Meat – Sex on College Campus!

In Saturday’s article Sex on Campus: She can Play that Game,Too painted a very disturbing, but believable picture about the type of relationships going on at our college campuses. On college campuses, men now, are nothing, but hot meat to be used at the discretion of female co-eds who barely have time for relationships. But we aren’t doing anything to change it. The emotionless sex that we have been using on women for years is beginning to have negative impacts on type of relationships we have after college and is contributing to our delay in finding a suitable mate.

The “hook-up” culture as it’s called is being turned on its ear by the very women that have been objected to it.

Young female college students, who now outnumber men 4 to 3 on campus are now making their own “Booty Call” and the men are falling for it, thinking they have landed on Eden East. In reality, our men haven’t offered a more desirable alternative. So women are now trying to do something about it. They have decided to take something they can control, their career and education. And the numbers bear that out. According to the National Marriage Project in their study Knot Yet, the benefits and costs of Delaying Marriage, female college graduates see over a $18K increase in salary if they delay marriage until their 30s.

In the article, women claimed, “Even if they did meet someone they were interested in, some women said the logistics of a relationship were just too hard. Some described extracurricular commitments — running debate tournaments for local high school students, or organizing Model United Nations conferences — that took up 30 to 40 hours a week, and came on top of going to class, doing homework and, in the case of less-wealthy students, work-study jobs. Some relationships ended, or never got off the ground, simply because schedules didn’t align.

This is how women are feeling, about the men they meet.

• Men are now the hunted one’s. Instead of waiting for him to call me. I am going get a little satisfaction.
• Because your personality is so ___________ (insert whatever negative connotation you like) I am going to need to be drunk just to get with you and it certainly won’t be memorable.
• You are so wishy-washy and indecisive, why would I waste my time-sharing my dreams and goals with you.
• Since your main concern is just about achieving pleasure, I’ll oblige you just so you will leave me alone.
• No substance is necessary. If you are “hot meat” and good in bed, that’s all I need.
• Since you are emotionally attached, I can do that too.

In fact,  one lady was so emotionally unattached she hadn’t realized she’d been raped until she shared her story for the writer of the Times. And this sort of this is going on all over the country. Duke University is toughening their sexual assault policy because of it.

If you are tired of this type of lifestyle of emotionless sex with a women that doesn’t really care to know you. You have to flip the script. This is what you need to do.

It’s time to tell the truth. You have been lying to the young women. Once you are sober, you are looking for a wife, but are weeding out the one’s willing to throw away sex.

1. According to the 2001-2002 Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, about 80 percent of young-adult men rate marriage as an “important” part of their life plan.
2. Work on your plan. Sure it may change over time, but since our young ladies are working hard on their unbalanced lives, they want to feel you are doing the same thing.
3. Get to know women’s personalities face-to-face. You can’t get a sense of how a young lady think  and feels behind their tweets and Instagram posts.
4. You are more than just a piece of meat. You can say No, too.

What do you think?  Are our college men the new meat?

How Attached are you really? Ask a Baby!

If you read my last blog titled How dependent are you? A case study!, you read the story of Tamera and Greg and how one was dependent upon the other. As Tamera continued to get close, he seemed to push her further away. She pushed him so far that even though they both loved each other, in the end it wasn’t going to work.

Everyone has what authors Amir Levine,M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller,M.A.  call an attachment style. The three attachment styles are THE SECURE, THE ANXIOUS & THE AVOIDANT.

As an adult you may know exactly who you are. If not, let’s go back in time by figuring out how you would’ve have acted as a baby.

Attachment styles were first defined by researchers observing the way babies usually( 9 to 18  months old) behaved during the strange situation test (a reunion with a parent after a stressful separation.

If you were the anxious baby you were extremely distressed when mommy left the room. When your mother returned, you would react ambivalently, you are happy to see her, but angry at the same time. You take longer to calm down, and even when you do, it is only temporary. A few seconds later, you angrily push mommy away, wriggle down and start crying again.

If you are the secure baby you are also visibly stressed when mommy leaves the room. When mommy returns, you are very happy and eager to greet her. Once in safety of her presence, you are quick to be reassured, calm down. and resume play activity.

If you are the avoidant baby when mommy leaves the room, you act as if nothing has happened. Upon her return, you remain unmoved, ignore her and continue to pay indifferently. This act of yours doesn’t truly tell the whole story. Inside you are neither calm or collected. In fact, your heart is just as elevated as the other two babies.

So which baby are you? Better yet, which baby is your partner? You will find out in the next blog?

Coach Keith

Excerpt taken from Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep –Love.

How dependent are you? A case study!

This excerpt is taken from the book Attached – The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find and Keep Love.

A few years ago, our close friend Tamara started dating someone new:

I first noticed Greg at a cocktail party at a friend’s house. He was unbelievably good-looking, and I found the fact that I caught his eye very flattering. A few days later we went our for dinner with some other people, and I couldn’t resist the glimmer of excitement in his eyes when he looked at me. But what I found most enticing were his words and an implicit promise of togetherness that he conveyed. The promise of not being alone. He said things like, “Tamara, you don’t have to be home all by yourself, you can come and work over at my place,” “You can call me an time you like.” There was comfort in these statements: The comfort of belonging to someone, of not being alone in the world.

If I’d only listened carefully, I could have easily heard another message that was incongruent with this promise, a message that made it clear that Greg feared getting too close and was uncomfortable witht he commitment.  Several times he’d mentioned that he’d never had a stable relationship –that for some reason always grew tired of his girlfriends and felt the need to move on……

As we got closer, his messages got more erratic and everthing started to fall apart; he began telling me that he was too busy to meet on this night or that. Sometimes he’d claim that his entire work week looked “crazy” and would ask if we could just meet on the weekend. I’d agree, but inside I had a sinking feeling something was wrong, but what?

After a while, the ups and downs started to take a toll and I could no longer control my emotions. I didn’t know how to act, and despite my better judgement, I’d avoid making plans with friends in case he called. I completley lost interest in everything else that was important to me. Before long the relationship couldn’t withstand the strain and everything soon came to a screeching halt.

One of the reasons dating can be so challenging is because of scenarios just like this. One person becomes attached before the other partner catches up emotionally. Over the course of the week will be helping singles understand their attachment style and how they can use it to their advantage to find the mate of their dreams.

We will first start by analyzing the excerpt.

What do you think of her behavior? Is there something she could have done differently in order to receive a different result.

What about him? Was he being true to himself, or was he just playing her?

Coach Keith

I have a Resolute Heart! What about You?

As I was looking at the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, I ran across this interesting study called the Heart Chart. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot from the TwoofUs.org have done some extensive research and created this Heart Chart.

The Heart Chart reveals what you are saying about love and marriage and provides you with customized information related specifically to your marriage mindset.

Why is this important? With the U.S. divorce rate is at an all-time high, with half of all marriages ending in divorce or permanent separation. A broad consensus has emerged among researchers that changes in the American family structure have had significant negative impacts on the well-being of  children as well as adults. Previous research has shown that the implications for children who experience the divorce of their parents include elevated risk for conduct disorders and psychological problems; low self-esteem; a greater likelihood of obtaining a lower level of education and lower-status jobs; and greater potential to experience trouble in their own marriages.

Individuals between the ages of 18-30 are looking for partners who fit into their lifestyles and complement their personal goals and individual needs, but many are not confident that they possess the tools to attain this goal.

Before you get serious, take this quiz (see link below), to see where your partner’s heart is?

THE HEART QUIZ.

Here is the key to my Heart!

I would love to hear what sort of Heart you are.

Coach Keith