M.M.M. – How toxic thinking can derail your Marriage!

Toxic thinking or is the act of thinking negatively to the point where it takes over all your thoughts and damages your self-esteem and relationship.

As part of Marriage Music Monday, we are going to tackle this issue of toxic thinking and the tools we need to identify how it seeps into our relationship and what we can do to turn it around.

We often don’t realize how our thoughts impact our actions.  Some of the lyrics from today’s selection This is Not Real Love by George Michael, he sings..

And I said this is not real love

Real Love

Baby it don’t glisten and shine the way it used to.

Those lyrics suggest that his mind-set has changed just because the relationship isn’t shiny, bright and neat. In other words, his toxic thoughts have impacted his view on the relationship.

So how can you know if your toxic thoughts are impacting your relationship. Here are some warning signs:

1. Your spouse just irritates you, even if they are miles away.
2. The act of saying “Thank You” is a struggle. And don’t even think I’m doing anything nice.
3. If I want to talk about my dreams, I would rather talk to my dentist before my spouse.
4. Amnesia is a constant state of mind when it comes to remembering the good times.
5. Doing fun things together is non-existent.
6. When is comes to Sex….crickets.
7. Up with Hope is a big fat NOPE when you consider improving your relationship.
8. Somehow being criticized and judged by your partner constantly hangs over your head like one of those airplane advertisements.
9. You’re just angry by the fact that my partner doesn’t know you. Your thoughts! Your needs! He or she is supposed to be my soul-mate, right?

The answer to the last question should be yes, but your catabolic thoughts have taken over your art of acting in a loving way toward your spouse. Strivers, let’s tackle this issue. Over the next couple of weeks we will examine what steps we need to identify this type of thinking and the tools necessary to remove it.

Coach Keith

 

Marriage Music Monday

WHERE WOULD I BE IF I DIDN’T KNOW YOU!

It can happen in marriage, especially if you feel your marriage is not where it should be. It started for me this week when PG angered me by revealing that my name wasn’t going to be next to the definition of disciplinarian. Even though that may be true, you want to have a sense that you can still have fun with your kids and they will still snap in line in an instance. So that through me for a loop a bit.

The week ended with a revelation that deep down my wife’s felt I resented her tell it like it is, take the ball and run with it, straightforward style. Needless to say, I knew it wasn’t true, but it began to question where would I be if I hadn’t got married?

When marriages get stressful, certain questions may come to mind.

Why in the hell did I marry him/her?

Who am I?

You may ask yourself did I compromise who I am as a man/woman to be with my spouse? Do I love myself and love them for who they are?

Here are some thoughts that may help you get through the process.

It’s understandable to question. – Especially earlier on in the marriage if things begin on the rocky side. Look beyond the external reasons why you did get married and start to look at what values and characteristics your partner has that drew you to him/her. It’s those values that ultimately help draw you to them. Consciously or not, those values that your spouse has should help you feel comfortable enough to live by the values you possess.

Challenges in your marriage may help you define how you don’t want it to be. So challenges are necessary in order for you to learn.

Instead of looking at the situation as negative, turn it into a positive. This will help empower you and your spouse to examine where and how you grow from here and then you can release the negativity.

These positive thoughts can help give you a perspective on why you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

• Either of you are the spoke, or a group of spokes, you are both the wheel – in challenging times you may choose to isolate each other and you may even feel alone. In reality you are inter-connected. When you hurt, your spouse hurts too.
• Your marriage has a special purpose. – We never think about how your union may help someone else believe marriage is possible. So stick with it.
• Marriage is an adventure. – It would be great to thing, If I only knew this was going to happen, I could have averted the outcome. If we truly knew the outcome, our mystery of life would be lost.
• Our Marriage must grow or it will die. – Growth takes on many forms..if we don’t it becomes stagnated.
• We each have a Higher Coach. – In the end, sometimes there is no explanation that can be explained naturally. You may have to tap into God, or your spiritual self to help guide the reasons why you are in this position, or why you are married to him/her. You will ultimately get your answer.

In the end as I thought about the reasons behind our conflict this past week. It really didn’t matter because in the end, as the song softly echoes in the end. I recognize the blessing that I have. I am carefully holding on tight because there are  a lot of things and circumstances out there that can trip you up, if you let it. Or you can use those challenges to help you be better, live better. I know I am a STRIVER.  I hope you can agree with me, HOLD on.

Good Night Strivers!

Coach Keith

Were going back to school. Relationship School!

When we think of relationships, the first thing that comes to mind is usually not ourselves. We don’t think our happiness should be the #1 priority. Our thoughts and energy are focused on becoming whole or complete when we find that “person”. We get into those types of relationships and over time they don’t work. We spend countless hours writing in our journal, drinking some wine, or praying to ask ourselves, why? Until that next person comes along, and we repeat the same pattern.

It happened to me. I was always taught that you had to always treat women with respect. Now that had its consequences. Respect was sometimes perceived as being “too” nice or not having an edge. And after each relationship ended with no explanation over time I could have gone the way, that was expected of single men, but I held onto my beliefs and how I was raised.

So I ask you:

What type of person are YOU?
What qualities do YOU need in a mate that will compliment me, not complete me?
Do YOU believe that YOU can be in a relationship with a PARTNER?
Do YOU believe the person that wants to be with you is genuine?

These are the first steps before we take the leap. Robin Thicke’s – Can You Believe says it all.

This is just a little taste of what you are going to get in Strive 2 Succeed’s Relationship School.

Happy Labor Day

Coach Keith