RSS

Tag Archives: Communication

Defend These 10 Vows If You Want To Make Your Marriage Last.

Defense is the action of defending or resisting attack. Yet, as men, we often feel that we don’t need to be on guard for anything especially when it comes to marriage.

On the other hand, women not only are they on guard for the things that happen in their marriage, they are on guard about everything that happen in their lives.

Men, for those of us that watch and understand sports, we know that defense is very vital important part of the game. It’s the only way you win. We all know the phrases, “A good defense beats a good offense.” “Offense wins games, defense wins championships.”

If a fruitful long lasting relationship is what we desire, then we must realize that at some point our relationship will come under attack. In order to win, we must apply these 10 principles to ensure our marriages last.

  1. Defend against not knowing your spouse

So we must understand your partner’s strengths and weaknesses as well as your own. Pushing and encouraging your spouse to be great can be very difficult if you don’t know your own. Marriages can be challenging when you are constantly focusing on your partner’s weaknesses.

giphy

  1. Defend against not supporting or protecting her freedom.

We must understand that even though we both need and enjoy our spouse and vice versa, it’s also important for us to maintain our individuality. In particular, we need to feel like the decisions we’re making are truly coming from us. According to John Knee in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when people feel forced or coerced into making choices — like they didn’t have any real choice in the matter — they’re less happy and less fulfilled. And, as you might have guessed, that lack of happiness is problematic for relationships.

giphy (1).gif

  1. Defend against not voicing your wishes, desires, fears and dreams.

We must understand that we have needs, fears and desires outside of our spouse. Our partners will never fully deeply understand us if we never voice them. It’s that lack of deep connection the leads to our relationships ending.

giphy (2)

  1. Defend against sacrificing your needs out of obligation just to make her happy.

Once you figure out what your needs are, discuss with your partner how your needs can be met. This can be easier said than done because your spouse will have her own needs and it may come in direct conflict with yours.  So be aware that fulfilling your needs will involve difficult sacrifices on her part.

Make sure that when you do make sacrifices you do it only with love and care, and not with reluctance or resentment. If can’t make sacrifices for the right reasons, it’s probably better not to make the sacrifice at all.

 giphy (3)

  1. Defend against not being there for your spouse when she needs you.

Your partner will rely on you the most for support. If you aren’t there when she is distressed or that soft place to fall, she will find someone else to do it. Rather it’s other women or another man. Then she will begin to think. What does she need you for?

giphy (4)

  1. Defend against not nurturing her goals and ambitions; supporting her through misfortune and celebrating triumphs.

Your partner wants to feel support when it comes to taking risks. There is nothing more secure when your partner can go out and conquer their goals, and there is a cheerleader pushing them and congratulating them.

giphy (5)

  1. Defend against a boring, passionless marriage. 

It’s no secret that couples are happier when they engage in new, interesting things together. You are basically telling your partner that you promise not to let your relationship fall into a rut.  We’re going to keep dating each other, keep travelling and exploring together, and keep sharing novel and interesting experiences with each other for the rest of your lives

giphy (6)

  1. Defend against bailing when times get tough.

This is where the better or worse come in; in other words, to stay committed to each other. When a couple sees themselves as a permanent partnership, their perspective on problems tends to shift from being about battling against each other to being about “ride together or die”. Having this type of commitment helps people to stop treating conflicts as all-or-nothing, instead keeping the wellbeing of your partner and your relationship in mind. Acting as a team, puts you in a better position to face challenges together.

giphy (7)

  1. Defend against callousness and unfairness because, you are a team now and for always.

In other words your marriage isn’t about carefully keeping score to ensure that we’re each contributing to the relationship fairly and equally. Instead, you’re promising to always strive to contribute what you can, based on the needs of your partner. You have to trust that your respective efforts will more or less balance out in the long run.

200_s

 

  1. Defend against taking your marriage for granted.

When you appreciate your partner, you’re happier and more committed to the relationship. When you express gratitude to your partner, they feel more appreciated, and that makes them just as happy and just as committed. So promise to never take each other for granted, but rather to appreciate what you have and express early and often.

giphy (8)

These ten things are the best defense to the offensive attacks that can ruin your marriage over the long haul. As Osho says, “The fully matured man has no fear defense; he is completely open and vulnerable.”

Keith Dent is a relationship, life coach at www.strive2succeedcoaching.com . He has appeared on sites like Your Tango, The Good Men Project, MamMia and The Real Dad’s Network and is the author of the upcoming book In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 8, 2017 in In the Trenches, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Letter to My Younger Married Self – Maiden vs. Married

18492742_1665398433485436_10352646_n

Dear 28-year-old Diana,

It’s happened…you’s a married girl (ala The Color Purple)! Your teenage dream of finding the right man and being dressed in white to walk down the aisle to meet “the one” Cory  A. Jones happened. I am currently 42 years old and have so much to tell you that will give you peace in your heart and mind about what to expect about marriage.

Remember when you conceived at age 15 and had a son at age 16? Remember when you thought your life was over when his father left him? Remember when you thought you were unlovable because who would love a girl who had a baby? Well, you met THE ONE who dispelled all those lies. You met THE ONE who gave you value and worth. You met THE ONE who gave you purpose. You met THE ONE who has great plans, gives hope and a future. You met JESUS! He is THE ONE who has never failed you, never left you and never forsaken you.

It’s because of Him, that you started to know who you were as a woman, mother and a potential wife. He’s the one that made the connection between you and Cory A. Jones, your now husband who you met at the worst job you two ever had. He knew who you would need to be beside you and be the father and step father of your children. He would also be the one to dispel the lies about what men do. You know. Those thoughts about past experiences that men will leave, men cheat, men are selfish, men leave their children, and on and on. He’s a good one, D. He will represent sacrificial love to you in good times and bad. He is generous and will shower you with gifts and heartfelt cards of encouragement (even though gifts aren’t your primary love language, you like it 😀). You’ll know that he’s the one not on day one but as years pass and good times and trials come, Cory will show you that he is not what your father did and he is not what your exes have done. He becomes a Godly man who yearns to grow in the Lord and seeks His wisdom on how to lead himself and his family. You should learn to accept that early on.

You’ll learn that marriage isn’t easy. It will take daily work of prayer, reading, counsel, and introspective analysis to continue to heal from past wounds of your father and past relationships so you two could conquer the future together.

When the going gets tough…

⁃    Keep fighting
⁃    Keep praying
⁃    Keep worshipping
⁃    Keep speaking life over yourselves
⁃    Keep loving
⁃    Keep the faith
⁃    Keep learning

Love,
42-year-old Diana

 

Tags: , , , , ,

8 Ways to a Powerful “Marriage” Partnership.

Beyonce’ & Jay-Z! Jordan & Pippen! John Stockton & “The Mailman” Karl Malone! Bill and Melinda Gates!  These great partnerships didn’t just happen overnight. It took years of hard work, understanding and cultivating these 8 powerful ingredients that make their partnerships truly magical. In order to make your marriage truly as powerful, you need to make sure it has these elements.

  1. Complementary Strengths – No matter how educated and powerful you are, you have weaknesses. One of the great ways to make your marriage powerful is that you identify the strengths of your partner and work together to reach your mutual goals.
  2. Common Mission – Your marriage can be truly powerful if you have a common mission. A common mission can help you get back on track when the daily grind of life steers you of course.
  3. Fairness – In a relationship their is an instinctive need for fairness. If one partner or the other feels fairness is lacking it can erode a powerful partnership.
  4. Trust – When you are in a strong partnership there is a sense of vulnerability that comes with it because you have to share your whole self to your partner. You have to be able to fully trust that your partner will not use what you have given them to their advantage, but honor it.
  5. Acceptance – When two people come together from two different world views there is bound to be friction from time to time. In order to ensure this friction doesn’t increase to major conflict we have to be able to accept these differences.
  6. Forgiveness – Your partner is not perfect and neither are you. Mistakes happen. Without forgiveness, the natural instinct to seek retribution for our partners mistakes will overtake the partnership and the marriage won’t survive.
  7. Communication – Is the lifeblood of a strong marriage partnership. It helps prevent misunderstandings, assumptions and helps marriages effectively and efficiently.
  8. Unselfishness – When you think a bout your partners needs before your own become second nature can make your marriage trans formative. It’s very gratifying when you see the needs of your partner met. 
If you feel you are missing one or a few of these ingredients and you need help on how to acquire them, please contact me for a free 30-minute consulation at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.
 
 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Letter to My Younger Married Self

img_0187

Dear 29-Year old Keith,

Tomorrow when you wake up you’re going to have a brand new title Mr. Keith Dent married man to Priscilla Gordon. I know that you have already been dating for a year and a half, but this will be different.

The vows that you just echoed to all of your guests at the wedding will take on a meaning that you can’t even comprehend.

Your view of marriage will be challenged many times over. It will make you question your choices, but in reality it will make you question your abilities as a husband and a father.You are used to a patriarchal marriage that was full of energy and was captain of the ship. Your wife will not share these same views. She’s an independent woman who was raised to speak her mind when things look  out of whack and she will do so often. Don’t worry, it will be for your own good. Even after twenty years of marriage she will still continue to reiterate that you were the only man she would’ve married.

With that said, here are five things you will have to look forward to in your marriage journey.

Sharing in Caring.

This is maybe the most important thing you will learn. You’re wife is very generous, especially with the people she loves. She will expect the same from you.This will be evident when she buys you a honey bun as a surprise.When you eat the whole thing without offering her a bite, it won’t taste so good.

Your expectations as a husband will change.

Her strength and upbringing  will be an advantage especially when you figure out that corporate America isn’t for you. When you take that job delivering papers to support your family she will never look down on you. She will support you every step of the way. She will embrace your hard work and will do her part because teamwork makes the dream work.

Your children will challenge you in so many ways.

When you were growing up, your dad was the true leader of the family. He was the breadwinner, the planner and the disciplinarian. When he spoke, you listened. But, when you were younger you didn’t develop your own voice. You won’t have to worry about that when it comes to YOUR kids. They will laugh at you and question almost everything you say. Be prepared to teach and coach. It will be worth it. Your children will be your biggest legacy.

You will learn conflict and love are part of the deal. 

When you first meet your wife’s family, especially her sisters you will be thoroughly entertained. They can be loud, opinionated and most of all competitive. They will never let you live down the times they beat you down in a game of Taboo and Street Fighter. Even though they fight with each other, you won’t be able speak ill of any of them. They will teach you that conflict is okay and that’s what being in a family is all about.

She will help you laugh at yourself.

You are going to end up making so many silly mistakes from going to concerts on the wrong night to not remembering when summer camp for your youngest son is two years in a row. Your wife will know how you beat yourself up over these things. She will help you laugh at yourself. You live, you laugh, you learn and you buy Luvs will be one of her favorite sayings.

All in all your marriage will be one of the most important fulfilling relationships you will ever have. It’s a tremendous blessing that you met Priscilla at Jasper’s wedding. Look forward to twenty more years of a wonderful journey.

Sincerely,

49-year-old, Keith

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 6, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Happy Halloween #funfriday

What would be your response to this question?  I would tell her you look rather “Bony”!

download-7

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 28, 2016 in Fun Friday, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

If He Opens Up, This Is What You Might Get!

f60d3b657a206e585b59cbf75a94ad9b

#funfriday

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 30, 2016 in Fun Friday, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , ,

Strive 2 Succeed Question of the Day – “Me” Time

S2S QOTD! Do you have “me” time scheduled in your marriage?
According to Dr. Jane Greer, relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
Here are 3 Benefits to scheduled alone time.
  • It fosters Self-Expression.
  • Helps you create your own identity.
  • Brings New Energy to a stale marriage.
  • Helps foster better communication
If you do have frequent alone time, what does it consist of?
If you don’t, why not?
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 29, 2016 in Question of the Day

 

Tags: , , , , ,