Dear Joe/Dear Jane – How Coach K helped me view marriage differently.

Dear Joe,

I just wanted to let you know that I love you very much and I want our marriage to move forward despite the challenges we’ve had recently.

I want to sincerely apologize for the silent treatment I  have been giving you for the past several weeks. Iwas so hurt because you couldn’t understand how important the birthday party mean to me. I was so hot, I had to call Coach Keith and I let him have it. When I was finished venting about you and the situation surrounding my anger, he helped me to see that the silent treatment I was giving you was slowly eroding all the love deposits that I had built up in our marriage. Even though I was truly hurt by your actions towards my party, it’ s not more important than our marriage.

I also learned that I have to be more honest and deliberate in my words and actions even if you disagree or maybe disappointed. And I hope you will do the same thing for me. I would rather our relationship be open and honest than not acknowledging our true feelings and sabotaging them by our actions.

I hope at this point my trust can be restored even deepened by our fresh start.

I love you, and I am truly sorry.

Love,

Jane

Dear Joe/Dear Jane: Confession of how Coach K helped me view marriage differently!

Dear Jane,

I just wanted to let you know that I love you very much and I want our marriage to move forward despite the challenges we’ve recently had. Being married to you is the best thing that has happened to me. I am glad that out of this crisis we have become more open to share our feelings.

I am really relieved that you were able to stick with me even though I put our marriage in jeopardy. I knew that night was going to be trouble when I went out with Mark that night, but I allowed my bad judgement to rule the moment. At the time, I felt that it was the only outlet I had. I was so confused about what to do and how to feel about us.

After you initially kicked me out of the house..I made an appointment to speak with Coach K. I told him what happened and the confusion I was having over what was going on. He was able to help me clarify what was bothering me. I was feeling smothered by your possessiveness.  I never had someone who cared so much about where I was going and what I was doing that I couldn’t comprehend it. Coach let me know, that my distance, or my inability to openly share my thoughts led to your inquisitive behavior. Since I was too immature to open up and tell you how I felt, I suppressed them until had to seek comfort of another woman.

I don’t condone my behavior and I have grown to regret that I was even capable of disrespecting you like that. One thing that I don’t regret is the fact that I feel that our marriage is stronger and more resilient than I ever realized. Since I have never been around a stable marriage, I figured that I had lost you forever. It’s a blessing to me that a woman of such character chose me to be your husband.

I know that I haven’t completely regained your trust

I am truly sorry. I will do whatever it takes to get your trust back!

I hope someday that you can forgive me completely.Since you are still here with me gives me hope that it’s possible.

Love,

Joe

Dear Jane/Dear Joe – Confessions of how Coach K helped me view Marriage Differently!

Dear Joe:

I just want to let you know that I love you very much and that I want our marriage to work. Marrying you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am not sure where and when our marriage started to go south, but I know we weren’t connecting. I know we haven’t been intimate in a long time and I always felt that was a strong point in our relationship. You always use to play with my hair, tickle me and fondle my breasts even if we were just sitting on the couch watching tv. You know what I miss the most was the fact you use to just give me big hugs. That made me feel loved more than ever.

Even when we were arguing, you use to find a way to touch me to help loosen the tension. Now you don’t even make an attempt and it made me very angry. My feelings of anger became so entrenched, I felt like this marriage was a mistake. I knew that I couldn’t keep living like this, so I decided to talk to Coach Keith. He has great insight and would get to the source of where my anger was coming from. After speaking with him several times, he pointed out some things that are so clear now that I would like to share.

When I was 13, my dad made it very clear not to depend on no man to take care of me and support me and my children. He showed love by barking commands and pushing us to excellence. He was very strict when it came to dating and he gave my boyfriends a really hard time. When I left for college, I was glad to be out of his house and I rarely went home.

It was at that time I ignored my dad’s advice and as an act of defiance became very dependent on men to bolster my self-esteem. The problem was every time I would want to take it to the next level it would end due to various reasons. I sunk further into a pit of despair and slowly as a way to get some sense of control back into my relationships, I reverted back to the old ways that my dad had taught me. When I met you, your calm demeanor and laid back attitude grounded me and allowed me to have that control. 

Coach Keith pointed out that somewhere, even though I was in control, I resented it and wanted to change you. When you didn’t lash out in anger or put limits on my life, like my father, I began to lose respect for you. It was my negative energy towards you that led to my outbursts and my lack of validating the type of man you are and the importance I needed that in my life. He also pointed out that in response to the lack of respect, you distanced yourself from me. He finally helped me to acknowledge my need for control was affecting the marriage and gave me tips on how to let things go, and to view the marriage from a 100/100 perspective instead of 50/50.

I am working on it, but I can’t work on it without you. I ask for forgiveness for not giving you the respect you deserve. I want our marriage to start fresh with new excitement. I miss your touch!

Love,

Jane

Dear Jane/Dear Joe..Confessions of how Coach K helped me view Marriage differently!

I hope you like my NEW series..I will address a series of issues on how a husband/wife get assistance with a conflict in their marriage. Please note: These are fictitious stories, but the topics are very real. I hope the topics resonate with you to comment or forward to your friends.

Dear Jane:

I just want to let you know that I love you very much and that I want your our marriage to work even though we haven’t been on the same page lately. Being married to you the last year has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I know we have been going through challenges lately. I know I haven’t shown you the unconditional love you deserved and we have been arguing a lot because of it.

I would like to explain my actions. As you know, my father left us very early in my childhood. My mom instilled in me strong values on how I should live as a man, which has helped me get to this point. Unfortunately, my mom didn’t use the same parameters when it came to her relationships.  She frequently chose men based on the amount of affection they gave her, both physically, spiritually and emotionally. I recalled many times when my mom was happy and in a good mood because her man had showered her with many gifts, love and affection. My sister and I were also recipients of those gifts. We received bikes, video games and new clothes all the time.

But it never lasted.  As soon as the relationship progressed and the men expected to receive things in return like support, gifts or even respect my mom would either get angry or shut down. She never wanted to deal with conflict, so she would just ignore the situation. It would always get to a point that the tension was so unbearable that the men would eventually shut down and just leave.  Many times it would leave my sister and I just empty and disappointed.

This sort of behavior transferred to my earlier relationships..If the person I was dealing with at the time was satisfying me emotionally, physically and spiritually the relationship was great. The minute they wanted more, or I sensed the relationship was going in a more serious direction, I bounced.

When I met you that all changed..The best thing you had to offer was yourself, and your respect for me wasn’t based on material things..Our courtship to marriage was great and I couldn’t wait to enjoy our married life. Recently, the conflicts in our marriage has caused me to withdraw and not be present because I didn’t know what to do. I knew I didn’t want to our marriage to end, but I had to do something, so I called Coach Keith.

He helped me to see that your love and the respect you give me isn’t based on what I give you and how I please you. You seek unconditional love because that’s what you need in marriage. If you receive that, I will receive the unconditional love I so desperately need. I know conflict are inevitable, but working on them together will be more satisfying that doing them alone.

I hope we can start over from this point..Can you forgive me?

Love,

Joe