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In the Trenches – How do I help them forget about the Ex.?

In 2012, after 14 years of marriage, the Indianapolis Colts felt it was time to move on. Sent packing by his only NFL team, one he transformed from afterthought to Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning said goodbye to the Indianapolis Colts with a shaky voice and tear-filled eyes, then got ready to find a new place to play quarterback.

“Nobody loves their job more than I do. Nobody loves playing quarterback more than I do. I still want to play. But there is no other team I wanted to play for,” said Manning, who turns 36 this month.

This Sunday, Peyton Manning will return to the place where he called home amidst a lot of fanfare. Some of the Indianapolis Colt fans are really looking forward to his return, but not in a way that you would think. Angie Six, devoted Colts fan, and blogger puts it this way.

In college I fell in love with a sports fan, and his enthusiasm was contagious.  Shortly, after I we got married, we moved to Tennessee. It was 1997, we were in the middle of SEC country, and a kid named Peyton Manning was king. There was something about the guy I couldn’t resist. His dorkiness, his antics at the line of scrimmage, his work ethic, those commercials. I watched football just to watch him, and suddenly found myself caring about the rules, the players, and other teams. But it was mostly about Peyton.

Come Sunday, my loyalty is with the Colts. Peyton is the big brother who left for college when you were a kid. Now he’s back. You missed him like crazy, but you can’t wait to show him how big and strong you got while he was gone. You want to wrestle him, pin him to the ground, and then hug it out.

With all the attention focused on Peyton Manning, Andrew Luck, the Colt’s current quarterback has rarely been mentioned in the conversation. But,

Luck is dealing with something Manning never had to contend with: following an icon. He could go on to have a very good NFL career and still fall short of the standard set by his predecessor.

According to Brandi Mitchell, author of the The Blended Family Survival Guide, blended families have become the new norm.

More and more people are having children before marriage, and the reality is that most people who do have children before marriage, end up marrying someone other than the parent of their child. Add to that the rising rate of divorce and remarriages and about 1300 new blended families are created in the U.S. everyday.

In fact statistics show that:

• 50 percent of all Americans are involved in some type of blended or stepfamily relationship, which is about 75 million Americans.

• 30 million children under the age of 13 are currently living with one biological parent and that parents current partner.

• And, 1 in 3 people are a stepchild, stepsibling, or stepparent.

Many people are also getting married later in life, which means the chances are extremely high that when they do marry someone or get in a serious relationship, that person (or sometimes both people) will usually have a child, sometimes  MORE THAN one child with them.

So, if you are a new spouse replacing an ex. that was so revered, how do you start to carve your place into the family. In our In the Trenches segment, here are some tips:

Establish your own Love Bank style.

According to Dr. Harley, author of His Need/Her Need there is a place within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. It’s your emotions’ way of encouraging you to be with those who make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into that person’s account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love.

Acknowledge the challenge.

You knew that your spouse was bringing a child from a previous relationship into the marriage, so that part of your situation can’t be a shock, just like Andrew did, when he was given the reigns as the Colts starting quarterback. If you’re shocked about having to come up with a plan to resolve difficulties, get over it! Nobody said this would be an easy hill to climb. You need to sit down with your spouse to discuss money, discipline, childcare and any other issues that you haven’t mutually agreed upon yet.

Create a personal relationship.

Make a commitment to developing a relationship with your stepchild that has nothing to do with your spouse. Set aside some special time in which you and the child can interact alone. You also need to stop thinking of your stepchild as “his/her kid” and regard the child as an individual. Make no doubt about it, you are a pivotal person in that child’s life.

Being interviewed before his Sunday Night match-up Luck had this to say, “I figured if you can take of your business, if you can hopefully win some football games then it becomes easier on that end.”

And the same goes for you as the new partner in a blended family. If you can take care of business, and enjoy some wins with the family, it will become easier over the years.

In the Trenches – Never Give UP!

Just when you think the game is all over, a miracle happens. Yesterday, in the region of New England, the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots pulled out the most improbable wins in their games yesterday. According to ESPN Boston, with 1:20 seconds left in the game, the New England Patriots had a 5.3% chance of winning the game, while the Boston Red Sox after not even remotely scoring a run had a 3.8% chance to win trailing the Detroit Tigers 5-1 in the 8th inning.

In dating, I am sure there have been times where you decided there was no hope in finding a partner and felt that it was time to give up. In fact , according to the 2012 study by the National Center for Health Statistics, over 40% of women and 16% men will have never marry and get the feeling that it’s time to just focus on my career or being the best aunt and uncle I can be. When you are In the Trenches and feel that way, think about these two games and these 4 tips that will help you to never give up.

Tip #1 – Have a game plan and stick to it.  

If you are dating on your own, or have turned to on-line dating, have a game plan for the type of partner that compliments you and not completes you because you are already complete, and stick to it. The longer you go without a partner the tendency you have to stay with the first one that shows just a little interest even though he/she isn’t right for you. This weekend I came across a Amy Webb from a Ted Talk episode that did made sure she stuck to her guns.

Tip #2 – It takes only one.

We always think that we have to meet so many men/women in order to find the one. In reality, you only need to meet one, but he/she just has to be the right one. So if you put your best foot forward, and over time if you can minimize your anxious/avoidant behavior. (See my Attachment Series)

Tip #3 – Never Give Up.

Despite what the your fans (family & friends) may it will never happen, you have to keep believing it will. It may take months, or years, but once it does, you will be overjoyed when it does. Just ask the RED SOX and Patriots Fans last night.

If you are in the trenches, can you remember a time when you thought there was no chance you would be in a relationship?  I would love to hear your story.

Coach Keith

In the Trenches – Why an Offensive line is so important in Marriage.

Since, I love so much, as well as relationship coaching so much, I figured I would combine the two. With that said, I am starting a new series, called “In the Trenches!”  It’s a new way to talk about relationships through the lens of sports. I hope this will spark dialogue between couples especially men.

Today’s blog will begin with my New York Giants and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Both teams are 0-4. The Giants haven’t started a season this way since 1987, and the Pittsburgh Steelers even farther back since 1968. One of the main contributors of this fact is because their offensive lines are so poor. The Steelers are  26th in scoring with only 17 points per game, while the Giants are 30th with 15 points per game. To put this in perspective, the number one team in the league averages over 45 points per game.

The heart and soul of any good football team is its offensive line. There’s no position that requires more discipline or technique than offensive lineman. Success as an offensive football team hinges on their ability to control the line of scrimmage.

To be a good offensive line requires more than just discipline or good blocking technique, it requires pride — pride in yourself; your group and your team. A team with pride is a hard team to beat, because they’re willing to do the little things that most teams aren’t willing to do.

No detail should ever be overlooked, regardless of how minute it may seem. The difference between winning and losing often lies in the failure to do the little things.

In marriage, the little things matter just as much as they do for a football team. You have to be in the right position to succeed.

So if you are having trouble getting your man to respond, try these 3 techniques.

Put him the position to protect.  If you have a concern about something, as him an open-ended question. If you ask him a yes/no question, you will get a yes/no answer.  “Don’t act helpless, but let him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you,” says David Givens, PhD, author of Love Signals. So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like a hero, he will act like a hero.

Put him in a position to be free. Even emotionally healthy men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they’ve become a husband. “By making it clear that you don’t expect your guy to change, he’ll feel like you truly understand him but don’t threaten his sense of self,” says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of Secrets You Keep from Yourself.  So continue to encourage him to hang out with the fellas.

Put him in a position to be the best. Maybe he’s cocky, but he’s still insecure. Like in sports, guys need to know that they’re respected and appreciated. “When being around you increases a guy’s esteem, he will continue to do things to receive the same response from you.

Husbands, if you wife is about to put you in the bench make sure you do these three things.

To be dependable. Most women have a need to feel like they can count on their men to come through for them when they need it. To ensure that your girl feels this way about you, be dependable in the small things. Be where you say you will be, when you say you will be. And if you say you are going to do something, do it. Don’t let things slip away. It’s the small things in life that add up to someone being considered dependable.

To be able to Talk. One of the things women really want from their men is for him to talk to her. What this means is that she wants meaningful conversation with you. Tell her how you’re doing; your hopes and dreams. Tell her what you’re thinking about when she’s not around. Tell her about what’s on your mind, and listen to her when she responds even if she might not like what you have to say.

To be understood. Just because it’s not a big deal to you as a husband, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to her! Sometimes we will fight because we want to be right.  It’s not about right and wrong–its just different. The good news is, you don’t have to fully understand in order to respond well! Your wife wants to feel like she is heard, understood. By feeling understood, then she feels you care.

What are some other little things husband’s or wives can do to feel honored in marriage.

 

Coach Keith