5 Ways To Remind Your Partner We Are Team.

Photo by Kameron Kincade on Unsplash

For some couples, the wedding has just ended and you are settling into your marriage routine. For others, you have been married for several years, you are all consumed by your kid’s activities and barely have enough time to sleep, let alone work on your relationship. But this question pertains to both sets of couples. Do you consider yourself a team?

According to a 2014 study that was highlighted in this New York Times article, most of us don’t when it comes to having a decisive marriage. We just simply slide through our marriages and the major decisions we have to make in order to feel like we feel like a team. What’s interesting about this study is that most of us have probably been on a team one way or another; from our sports teams as children to our present work teams. We have always relied on other people to get the job done and to win.

So why doesn’t it translate when we get married? The main reason is our approach. We don’t utilize the team concept when it comes to our relationships. We usually come together because the people we are marrying usually best meet our individual needs, not necessarily the best team. So when we have conflict with our partner or when that partner does something that is far too damaging, we find it’s just easier to change partners.

Even I, who have played on teams almost all of my life, found it difficult to handle arguments with my wife. The main reason was that I focused more on my needs than our needs. One of our more famous stories that my wife usually tells at parties had to deal with one of our adventures to the grocery store to buy formula for our infant daughter, Olivia, 22 years ago. Yes, it’s still fresh. We would normally buy Enfamil with Iron, but on this day, I didn’t have enough money in my wallet to buy it, so stupidly, I just bought the regular Enfamil. Well, most of you know what happened next. My wife was furious that I would put my need to keep a few extra dollars in the bank before the families’ needs of making sure our daughter was healthy and go the best. So the next day, she bought the one most expensive high chairs in the store. What did I say about this? Nothing, because I knew I wasn’t living the team first concept.

Does the lack of a team approach reflect your marriage? If so, check out the 5 phrases to remind your spouse you are indeed a team.

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In the Paint – How to Win at The Game of Love. If you struggling with your spouse to communicate and work as a team and you need help click here for a free assessment.

Your Marriage Needs These 7 Personality Traits If You Expect It to Last a Long Time.

Photo by AllGo – An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash

Married life is not easy and if you and your spouse have been together for a long while, you already know this. Love is not the only thing that keeps healthy relationships going.

I’ve seen couples who are similar to each other and couples who are complete opposites have successful lasting relationships and marriages.

In each relationship, these 7 personality traits are vital and a couple that has them will have a healthy relationship — and long-lasting marriage.

Original article appears courtesy of YourTango.

Couples Conversation – How do you react to Conflict?

Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats recently celebrated their 10-year anniversary. In a recent blog post on BET, the couple mentioned they never have raised their voice to each other.

In a blog written by Douglas Ernst, he stated that.

Raising your voice does denote anger, but a healthier way of conveying that feeling is to simply say, “I am angry.” If you say what you mean and mean what you say with your spouse on a regular basis, then that statement alone will be treated with the seriousness it deserves.

So I would love to know. When was the last time you raised your voice to your spouse? Did you get the satisfaction you were looking for? Did the problem get resolved?

What Women Do And Don’t Want To Hear From You in a Text!

Texting is a perfect form of communication when it comes to daily interaction with your wife. First of all, it’s quick. So much so that 77 billion messages are sent around the globe daily. Secondly, you can also multi-task especially if some important thoughts come to your head when you are in a boring business meeting you can send it out. Third, it can enhance your relationship if you and your spouse have the same texting style.

One drawback is to avoid resolving conflicts and making important decisions over text. By not talking about these things face-to-face it can make things worse because you can’t read tone or body language from a text.

So if texting is an important mode of communication with your wife then here are 12 Do’s and Don’t in what women want to hear from you in a text.

Don’t  Send a text that will spark a fight!

It will only escalate more when you finally come together because words can be misconstrued without tone and non-verbal cues.

Do Send a thinking of you text.

Your wife wants to know you are thinking of her and at some point during the day you probably are so why no let her know.

Don’t Send the Dismissive text.

The “K” text can be the powder for an explosive outburst from your wife. When she is expecting more of a response from you and all she gets is one letter it can lead her to conjure up what you’re feeling or thinking and it probably won’t be good.

Do Send the Your Right text.

Your wife wants to feel that she is heard and that her opinion matters. By sending her a text telling her “she’s right” lets her you were listening to her.

Don’t Send the Your Cray-Cray text.

Did this ever work when you were talking face to face and there wasn’t laughter at the end of that statement? Then why do you think it would work in a text? Don’t do it!

Do Send the What can I do for you text.

What’s great about this text is that it’s open-ended. It will let your wife know you will serve her in any way she needs.

Don’t Send the rambling text.

Especially if she asked about your feelings before you left for work and you said, “Nothing!” This could be a signal to your wife that you’re uncomfortable sharing your feelings unless you’re in front of a screen. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Do Send the Flirty text.

Sending that flirtatious text show desire. In marriage, it’s a part of the intimate relationship that can spark the chemicals in your brain and make your sex life more intense. Send these texts early and often.

Don’t Send the Not Now text.

If you’re busy then say so and let her know when you can text her back. The words “not now” will surely not go over well especially if full-blown text conversation with someone else when the two of you were out to dinner. It will send a signal that she isn’t a priority in your life.

Do Send I’m glad to share this journey with you text.

Because marriage is a journey there are ups and downs and your wife wants to be assured you’re along for the ride.

Don’t Send the ________ text.

The non-responsive text is a definite “no-no” If your partner sends you a text she’ll expect a response. By not responding it shows her you’re not as connected as she thinks. That way cause you to be moved to second place on the ICE (In Case of Emergency) list.

Do Send the let’s go out tonight text, the kids are taken care of.

Your wife wants to spend time with you, but she also knows that if the kids aren’t taken care of she won’t really have a good time. By not only planning what you are doing for the evening but also securing babysitting will guarantee the both of you will have a great time.

Texting is an easy way to stay connected to your wife at any time and in any place. Knowing the right and wrong thing to say in a text can enhance the communication you have with your wife avoid misunderstandings.

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In the Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love. If you need a consultation, contact him at info@keithdent.com

 

Letter to My Younger Married Self – Even if I Don’t Know It!

Dear (Twenty-Two year old) Rab,

You are loving and wise beyond your years. At twelve years old, you told me that I would be your wife

one day. That really scared me to death. How does someone so young, know about this type of love.

I was certainly no expert. But you told me, “I have seen it from my parents and grandparents. I know

what I want.”

So I decided to give it a shot. Everything was going great, until I turned 14. I started to mature and folks

began to notice especially the boys. You realized they were starting to notice, so you broke up with me,

thinking I better do it now before I have a reason and there is no way we can get back together. That was

another wise move. Even though we would date off and on, after the break-up, I needed to be

unencumbered until I was ready.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t capture the magic, I had with you. I tried! While still in high school, I met and

was engaged to another man. I even had a child with him, but in the end, it didn’t last.

So off I went to work in Boston, MA. We will still remain good friends, but in my heart, I knew something

was missing. You would feel it too. That’s why you will come and romance me.

After that, things will get really serious. At the age of 20, we will have a child and ultimately you will ask

me to marry you.

Well, today is that day. It’s our joyous wedding day and all of our friends and family have gathered here,

before God to bless this union. We both still have a lot of maturing to do however, true love and life

awaits us. We will learn and grow together.

I want to thank you for your solid work ethic and extraordinary ability to love me through any trial. As

we go through our marriage journey, please keep encouraging me to continue my education because it

will benefit our entire family. Thanks for allowing me learn the Truth about our God, Jehovah and share

it with everyone that I know and love.

Pour as much love and effort into yourself as you do others. I know that your high energy will infect our

home. Whether you are in a small apartment or large home, you are guaranteed to host loving

gatherings with family and friends. Our game nights with the kids will be awesome. Please plan on us

attending plenty of sporting events, Broadway shows, amusement parks and music concerts. You’ll have

Princess, Ninja Turtles, Power Ranger, and tea parties. Be ready for debates and open and honest

communication.

You’re a great listener now but you will hone your skills. You develop super powers to listen and process

information. For example, when you are busy eating, resting, watching TV, or playing a video game, you

manage to hear me. In fact, you can hear everyone in the room who is talking to you (your son, two

daughters and me). When I ask you what I just said you’ll recount each simultaneous conversation

succinctly.

When you are in good health, use your knowledge and abilities to accumulate genuine relationships and

not just material wealth. When your health is waning, may you be able to garner strength from your

loving strong bonds, support team, and family. We are the generation that our parents and

grandparents rely on, so thank you for your loving care and patience with them. The children are

watching you so, I’m glad that they love and respect your fine example as a doting husband and father.

May you be able to say that you lived out your dreams with the one that you love more than air. Plan

and budget your money wisely. Travel often. Go on vacation with the entire family and then take a trip

as a couple at least every two years. Maintain your love and strong marriage and it will prove to be a

blessing and protection to you. Just know that when your heart is full of love, you’ll have grandchildren

to make your heart and cup overflow.

Thank You for believing in me, even though I didn’t know it, right away!

I love you my Love!

Rhonda Harrison

Letter to My Younger Married Self – Faith Prevails.

Dear 28 year-old Aileen,

Today you stand before a judge and commit to love, honor, cherish, and support Lazarus Dempsey, as his wife until death do you part. Right now, you do not understand what this all means. You have seen movie after movie of fairy tale romances and amazing weddings and I would love to tell you that your marriage will be just as romantic and storybook, but honestly it will not.

Your determination not to fail will keep you in this marriage at times when you feel like you want to leave. Coming from a broken home, and listening to your mother tell you that you will never have a good relationship with a man because her marriage fell apart changes you. You vow to never allow this to happen to your marriage and future family. You remember saying to your mother “Just because your marriage didn’t work, doesn’t mean mine won’t, just because your marriage ended after 13 years doesn’t mean mine will”. However, what happens is that you now put a microscope on the men you date. You look for extraordinary signs of love and devotion from your relationships, you constantly look for proof that this man will be the one that will remain with you for life and if these signs did not show up within a specific frame in time, you ended the relationship. In trying to control this process you added countless years of heartache to your relationship life. You turned cold to relationships all together and focused on work. But you learned, you could not have found him on your own, your tests were not the determining factor it had to be God. Well young sis, You Made It, here we are at 16 years of marriage and you are having fun!

House Keeping

Lazarus is from another country and therefore there will be some cultural differences that will creep up from time to time to challenge your view on his commitment level and his love for you. When this happens, I urge you to remember the phone calls that he made to you every morning at 9am to wish you a wonderful day and to pray for you. Remember all the hours he waited for you on a Friday just to walk you to the train station because that was the only time you would allow him before you were married. Then pause and remember that those things did not stop once he said “I Do”.

You are used to doing everything on your own because that is how you lived your entire life before your husband came into the picture. You will have a tough time letting this go but over time you will learn that you have to let go of some of it in order for the relationship to mature and for him to grow as a husband and a father and you as a wife and mother.

Lazarus has never said a disparaging remark towards you and your character, although you will have said many towards him that you will later regret. Remember that this is frustration and that you really can’t live without him.

Here are a few things you can look forward to over the next 16 years.

His unshakeable Faith

Your husband has a strong faith in God and is diligent in prayer and forgiveness. You will question his faith constantly. You will do this to mask your lack of faith and your loose relationship with God. Things have happened in your life that turned you from the word of God and at times seeing his faith in action will make you feel guilty and lost. Just remember that the Bible tells us we are to lead by example and that the husband is the leader of his home in Faith and Family.

Your Anger is Hurtful

When you get angry you hold it in until you can no longer do so and you lash out. Your husband is the brunt of all of this and it is not fair. Remember that you are not the only one that gets angry, you are not the only one with fears and disappointments. Lazarus will help you see this, as his approach to these scenarios is calm, cool, and collected. You secretly admire this about him but your silly pride will not let you acknowledge it. Remember to breathe during the storm and then speak, your words cut like double-edged blades and the wounds you inflict are deep. Don’t make him bleed for the things that were done to you and the people who made you bleed.

His humor is your balance

Aileen, you have so much love, laughter, and compassion for others and you rarely give yourself credit. You feel like you have to keep up this strong wall all the time because you don’t want to let anyone in. Your husband will make you laugh at yourself during times when you want to cry. He has a way of making you tear down the wall, if only for a moment. Laugh during these times and cherish them. These times will shape your marriage for years to come. You will come to look forward to these goofy moments with him because they really are saving your life.

The greatest gifts HE gave you through your husband

Four years into your marriage you will sit y our husband down and tell him the following:

“Laz, I may never be able to give you children. Things that were done to me in my past may have made this impossible. I know how important having children is to you and I do not want to stand in your way. I will understand if you want to leave me, in fact, I encourage you to go and find a woman who is able to bear children. I will hurt, I will miss you and I may be alone for a long time, but I will be able to live with all of that because you will have the children that I cannot provide.

His amazing response to you is as follows:

“Aileen, these doctors are not God and by the way they have spoken to you, I question if they even know God. We will have children in God’s time because God’s time is the best time. Do you agree?

You say:

Yes, but secretly you have a little doubt. However, true to our God and his amazing timing your daughter was conceived that night in January 2005. Your second child, yes, a second child will come in March of 2007.

Look at these wonderful gifts and their character and you will see the face of your husband, the strength of your marriage and the love your husband has for you. Your selflessness, as shown in this tough conversation, is one of the things he loves most about you.

Embrace Love

Throughout the years to come you will convince yourself that you do not deserve to be loved as deeply and unconditionally as others. You will tell yourself that because of your past you deserve less. I need you to open your eyes and realize that with Lazarus, you have gotten and will receive more than some people will ever feel in their lives. You are blessed, you are loved and you are amazing.

Your husband will call you “Dumb Dumb” from time to time to put out your fuse. This is a long running inside joke and it makes you laugh every time. Remember that communication, something you thought you were great at but have learned through marriage, is the key to your marriage. Remember your father told you “You met your match with this one”. Overall, you cannot see living this life without him and the family you share. He makes you possible!

Although your marriage had an unconventional start, your marriage is storybook, it is romantic and it is the most important relationship you will ever have. Looking forward to the next 16 years and the years to come. Continue to laugh, and allow yourself to be loved and give love every day.

44-year old Aileen

44-year-old Aileen

3 Ways Straight-Talk Can Help Your Marriage

Honey, Does this dress make me look fat? Now that’s a question most of men aren’t willing to tackle because you know that you might have to stretch the truth in order to keep the peace at home. But, your constant stretching may lead you to start doing it on a regular basis. This lack of direct,honest communication may lead to you to not be trusted by your spouse.

How may you ask? Well let’s go back to the dress scenario. Let’s say you answer  like most men do, and tell your spouse she looks wonderful. While your out on the town together, and she catches you looking at other women that walk by,or if you really don’t show her the attention on your date, then she will have a hard trusting you the next time she asks you something important.

According to Stephen Covey’s  The Speed of Trust there are three reasons why it’s important to be truthful and direct when it comes to relating better to your spouse.

Talking straight is the act of being honest. It tells your spouse that if there is any issue or concern she has, she will be able to trust you will give her honest feedback

Talking Straight can help you leave the right impression. – What that means is how you are communicating to her is so clear, there is no room for interpretation on her part.

Talking Straight will save time and aggravation. – Think about all the time and energy you have wasted over your marriage trying to clarify and convince your spouse that you were telling the truth. If you start to develop a posture of straight-talk it will add years to your life.

If you are having a hard time grasping this concept, answer these questions for me.

1. What keeps you from talking straight. What type of fear comes to mine?
2. Are you aware of the type of conversations do you have? How often do you spin?
3. How often do you find yourself explaining your thoughts with your spouse?
4. Would you ask her to give you feedback?

 

If you are having trouble answering these question, it might be time to contact a coach for support.  If that is you, please contact me at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com

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Do You Have These Five Desires to Unlock the Key to Your Wife’s Passion

Did you know there is a large number of married women are bored with sex.

Men in order to unlock your wife’s passion here are 5 keys that are necessary to unlock your wife’s passion.

Which ones are you willing to explore?

Check Out My New Video!

It’s always nice to read an article, but sometimes it if you can see me in action, you can get an idea of what I am trying to do to help strengthen marriages.

Let me know what you think?

S2S Love Question of the Day!

Knowing what you now know about marriage, what advice would you have given your younger married self? What advice would you give a new couple about to get married?