5 Ways To Remind Your Partner We Are Team.

Photo by Kameron Kincade on Unsplash

For some couples, the wedding has just ended and you are settling into your marriage routine. For others, you have been married for several years, you are all consumed by your kid’s activities and barely have enough time to sleep, let alone work on your relationship. But this question pertains to both sets of couples. Do you consider yourself a team?

According to a 2014 study that was highlighted in this New York Times article, most of us don’t when it comes to having a decisive marriage. We just simply slide through our marriages and the major decisions we have to make in order to feel like we feel like a team. What’s interesting about this study is that most of us have probably been on a team one way or another; from our sports teams as children to our present work teams. We have always relied on other people to get the job done and to win.

So why doesn’t it translate when we get married? The main reason is our approach. We don’t utilize the team concept when it comes to our relationships. We usually come together because the people we are marrying usually best meet our individual needs, not necessarily the best team. So when we have conflict with our partner or when that partner does something that is far too damaging, we find it’s just easier to change partners.

Even I, who have played on teams almost all of my life, found it difficult to handle arguments with my wife. The main reason was that I focused more on my needs than our needs. One of our more famous stories that my wife usually tells at parties had to deal with one of our adventures to the grocery store to buy formula for our infant daughter, Olivia, 22 years ago. Yes, it’s still fresh. We would normally buy Enfamil with Iron, but on this day, I didn’t have enough money in my wallet to buy it, so stupidly, I just bought the regular Enfamil. Well, most of you know what happened next. My wife was furious that I would put my need to keep a few extra dollars in the bank before the families’ needs of making sure our daughter was healthy and go the best. So the next day, she bought the one most expensive high chairs in the store. What did I say about this? Nothing, because I knew I wasn’t living the team first concept.

Does the lack of a team approach reflect your marriage? If so, check out the 5 phrases to remind your spouse you are indeed a team.

Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach and the author of In the Paint – How to Win at The Game of Love. If you struggling with your spouse to communicate and work as a team and you need help click here for a free assessment.

5 tips for iLoveStrong Couples need to help battle the Cancer together.

This past season, I really enjoyed the TV show Parenthood, because it tackled the today’s topic,  5 tips for iLoveStrong Couples need to help battle Cancer together.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/405090

In a recent article in the New York Times, Dr. Shapiro, the author of a new book, “And in Health: A Guide for Couples Facing Cancer Together.” gave advice that can help prevent the diagnosis from damaging one’s most important relationship.

He wrote, “Cancer, is like a tremor that rattles our walls and finds the fault lines that already existed. If we’re not careful, it reaches into our relationships and drags out these subtle differences and magnifies them.”

For most marriages, certain things go unsaid, like certain needs that aren’t being met by the other partner, or accommodating your partner out of fear or conflict. Couples don’t deal with these issues immediately because they feel that there will always be a day to talk about them.

When the Big “C” (cancer) comes or any serious illness for that matter can only exacerbate this issue. Dr. Shapiro, who had cancer himself, stated, “Withholding my feelings was a big mistake. “By not being honest with my wife,” he said, “you can create a wedge in the relationship at a time when you both need understanding and support.”

Cancer can cause people to lose their bearings and to push away those they love and most need to help them through the challenges of treatment. if this is you, here are 5 tips that can strengthen your marriage as you fight cancer together.

1. Teamwork Is Essential – When a spouse is faced with the challenge of a potentially fatal diagnosis like cancer, he/she will often have difficulty remembering everything doctors tell them and correctly interpreting the information. Couples should see doctors as a team, with one assigned to take notes and both able to ask questions, misunderstandings about diagnoses and treatment options are less likely.If doctors fail to adequately address the patient’s concerns, the couple should decide which partner will speak up. And when both members of a couple are educated about side effects, they are less likely to panic when a symptom develops.
2. Talk and Touch – A mastectomy affects a woman’s sexuality. A woman may feel less attractive or  desirable after the operation. She may be unwilling or extremely anxious and  self-conscious about her partner seeing her naked. This affects her libido. The  sex drive in mastectomy patients decreases immediately after the operation as  does the amount of sex she has. As the husband, it’s important that whenever and however you can, express and show your love and concern in words, actions and touch. When faced with cancer, Dr. Shapiro’s wife needed him to say, repeatedly, that he loved her. “And she wanted me to take the trash down to the street on time without being reminded,” he added.  “A soft nonsexual touch on the arm or shoulder can be a soothing balm when we feel vulnerable,” Dr. Shapiro wrote.
3. Mistakes are learning opportunities Couples must rely more than ever on patience and tolerance. “Cancer requires a whole new set of skills at a time when most of us are depleted, distracted and scared,” he wrote. Each person should go easy on the partner when “rookie mistakes” occur, like forgetting appointments, losing things or locking the keys in the car.When people are anxious, they may deflect their feelings to their partner. For example, when couples are waiting for the results of treatment, rather than take out their anxiety on spouses, themselves or anyone else, Dr. Shapiro suggests, “Do exercise, go for walks, see a movie, talk to friends and distract yourself.”
4. Mind reading is not an option Patients often expect their partners to know how they are feeling and what they may want, then resent it when unexpressed needs are not met.A patient’s ability and energy to perform tasks may change from one day to the next. Patients may feel unsupported if their partners expect them to function normally when they feel awful, or they may resent having jobs taken from them when they feel well. It’s better to ask than to assume. Both should “talk about what needs to be done today and who’s going to do it,” Dr. Shapiro advised. He encourages spouses to repeatedly check in with each other about various tasks.
5. Prepare for the Unknown No one can ever predict if cancer will go into remission, or will take a turn for the worse.In Dr. Shapiro’s book, he urges couples to have a conversation about end-of-life care, making clear their wishes in case a spouse later faces decisions about life support.“Advanced directives are a lasting gift” for those you love, Dr. Shapiro said. One woman he interviewed lost her chance to spend the last months with her husband in the way she wanted because the doctors pursued treatment even as he was dying.

In the end these 5 tips will strengthen your marriage during your battle with cancer? If you are a person that has battled a serious illness what are some things you suggest that can help you are your spouse become closer?