Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango

 

Since Greg Hardy has been in the news this week, I figured I would send you an article about what the NFL’s should do around creating a new Domestic Violence policy?  Here is my take on what changes could be made to be more pro-active from the Commish’s office.

Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango.

Discussion Saturday – Marital Conflict

According to research done by Drs. John and Julie Gottman marital conflict is 69% of conflict in marriage is perpetual. Meaning it has no resolution because it’s based on lasting differences in personalities and needs.

So the #iLoveStrong question of the day. How do you deal with issues that constantly come up in your marriage. Can you discuss them gently with your spouse or do you live in a state of “gridlock”, a painful impasse?

Seeking Forgiveness! Is it only a MAN thing?

Tomorrow I will be hosting my LOVESTRONG Couples Webinar on forgiveness. I thought I would get a discussion going with some funny cartoons.

Which way does your man ask for forgiveness the most?

One thing I noticed that it was only men featured in the cartoon seeking forgiveness. How do women ask for forgiveness?

 

Keith Dent is the President of Strive 2 Succeed Coaching Services. He hosts LOVESTRONG couples webinar this Sunday at 9 pm. To register, sign up at http://www.anymeeting.com/StriveSucceed1. Or call in the day of the show at 213-416-1560 code: 526795745.

iLOVESTRONG’s 5 tips for surviving Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is the Super Bowl for Love. Right now, people including myself, are still thinking about last-minute details to make tonight special. I use to not like Valentine’s Day when my 7th grade crush didn’t acknowledge the carnation I sent her. If you are a little stressed for Valentine’s Day, here 5 tips to help you survive the day.

1. Don’t judged your entire relationship based on this day. There is no guarantee things will work as place. 
2. Don’t get so hyped over surprising your partner.  By reducing expectations, it will make the special event much greater when it works out, and not as painful if it doesn’t.
3. Even if the gift isn’t exactly what you wanted. Remember it came from the heart and be honest and tell him/her. It’s how you build honesty and trust.
4. If you are unsure what to get, use the K.I.S.S. method. A simple card, or love letter that truly expresses your feelings.
5. If you don’t have a Valentine, don’t stress about it. There is always next year. Keep your options open and your expectations clear.

Happy Valentine’s Day and beyond.

iLoveStrong Coach

Keith Dent

10 Keys to Winning the Super Bowl in Marriage!

By about 10:30 this evening, either Colin Kaepernick of the San Francisco 49’ers, or Joe Flacco of the Baltimore  Ravens will cement their place in history by winning the  Super Bowl. I am sure they have had a sleepless night running through the great expectations that will be thrust upon them to lead their teams to victory.  There are several things they will have to do in order to win the game.

Getting married is the same way. This is probably the one event in our lives where there is a set specific date, with a lot of spectators and a lot on the line. So like Colin and Joe, what must we do to prepare for the Super Bowl of Marriage?

Here are 10 keys to Winning the Super Bowl of Marriage!

1. Know your Strengths and Weaknesses. Colin Kaepernick has a strong arm and is known for scrambling and running for big yards. While Flacco is the quintessential drop-back passer. In marriage we must know what we do well. Whether we are good listeners, strong at handling finances, or great planners, we must exploit our gifts and minimize our weaknesses to make our marriage successful.
2. Know the Strengths of your other star and put them in the best position to succeed. Both Kaepernick and Flacco have strong running games with the likes of Frank Gore (49’ers) and Ray Rice (Ravens). In marriage, you have a partner that is ready and willing to shoulder the load. Get them involved early, otherwise they might check-out.
3. Commit to the Game Plan, but call an audible if things aren’t working. All week, Kaepernick and Flacco have determined what the best plan will be to attack the other team in order to win. In order to win the Super Bowl of Marriage, you must also have a Game Plan. If you don’t have a plan in the first quarter of your marriage, it could help you lose the game before it really begins. Communication with the other players is the key. If you see something isn’t going right, don’t be afraid to call an audible.
4. Fumbling or throwing an interception is part of the game. Don’t let it derail your confidence. Accept it and move on. Since this is the first Super Bowl for Kaepernick and Flacco, they may be so hyped-up they may make a mistake early in the game trying to force the action. In marriage, we have the tendency to ride the high of the honeymoon phase. We take it for granted and make mistakes that can slowly erode the excitement. Don’ minimize mistakes, accept it and move on. You will have a lot of time left in the game to make up for it.
5. If you are about to get sacked by the defense, run.  Ray Lewis and company are salivating at the chance to sack Colin Kaepernick, as well as Patrick Lewis and the 49’ers defense would love to flush Joe Flacco out of the pocket. Obstacles in marriage will come. In the course of the game of marriage opportunities of infidelity can come at anytime if your partner feels unappreciated and lets their guard down. As the quarterback if you feel that’s getting close to you, run downfield to your spouse and figure out what you need to do to protect it.
6. To change the game of marriage you might have to throw in a trick play. In the 2010 Super Bowl, the New Orleans Saints ran a trick play, an onside kick, to change the momentum of the game that helped them ultimately win the Super Bowl. During the course of the game of marriage, you may have to run a trick play to infuse some life back into your marriage. Whether it’s getting away from the routine of your lives, or increasing your sexual relationship, have the courage and conviction to call this play when necessary.
7. Calm your players during the heat of the battle. During a crucial moment of Super Bowl XXIII, Joe Montana relaxed his guys by having offense look into the stands toward a celebrity. This allowed the team as well as himself to get on track and close-out the Bengals beating them 20-16. In the game of marriage, conflict is inevitable, the longer you play the game. There will be conflict amongst your star player, your spouse, from your job, your family and your children. It will take you and/or your spouse to take a step back, show calmness and clarity during any situation in order to move forward.
8. Throw the ball downfield. Colin Kaepernick and Joe Flacco, both have strong arms. Throwing the ball downfield is exciting, especially when no one is expecting it. This is similar in the game of marriage. Spontaneous actions, or surprise gifts just show your spouse you love them can go along way to making the game of marriage memorable.
9. Great coaching can help change the momentum of the game. For the first time in history, two brothers, Jim Harbaugh of the San Francisco 49’ers and John Harbaugh of the Baltimore Ravens, will coach against each other in the Super Bowl. Both coaches, even though they are born only 15 months apart are very different in their approach to coaching. John says all the right things, gets all the right jokes, makes all the right moves, whether it be setting up a news conference so the most veteran reporter in the room asks the first question or playfully imitating his brother’s clichés. Jim is the opposite of charming, visibly bristling at his surroundings, looking strangely at reporters, refusing this week to answer a query about his favorite food, snapping at the poor journalist who referred to the string hanging around his neck during games as a “necklace.” Both coaches, and their staffs, proved that they have what it takes to change their game plan to meet the situation they are facing. They do it in the moment, too, with all of the pressure and weight of the world mounting on their shoulders. In the game of marriage, utilizing a relationship coach during the heat of the moment can help change your game plan, especially if the pressure of life is mounting on both your shoulders. Don’t be afraid to use them.
10. When you win, you go to Disney World. It’s almost certain that Colin Kaepernick or Joe Flacco will be selected to go to Disney World as the MVP of the Super Bowl. During the course of the game of marriage, you must take some time to celebrate your successes. The game of marriage is fun and exciting as long as you stick to your game plan, expect obstacles that will derail the plan, but have the calmness and clarity to ride it out.

Good luck, to Colin and Joe! I hope both of you play well. Also good luck to you. I hope you enjoy these 7 keys to winning the Super Bowl of Marriage.

Coach Keith

Let’s Discuss – How did you get rid of your Wedding Hangover?

 

Part 2 of our discussion series surrounds the alleged Honyemoon Phase. It turns out couples are happiest AFTER their first year of marriage, according to an Australian study. Newlyweds were found to have a lower happiness score than couples who had been married longer. This was also substantiated in one my previous post The 5 things I learned after 16 years of marriage.

Researcher Melissa Weinberg attributed this to a “wedding hangover,” or the depressed feeling couples get when the wedding is over and the marriage begins.

So let’s discuss, did you have a Wedding Hangover?  What remedies can you offer newlyweds to avoid the symptoms?

The Hurricane Hit! Damage Done! Now what?

When here are possible hurricane’s in our marriage, some of us heed the warnings signs and do what we can minimize the damage. Some of us feel that it won’t happen to us anddo nothing. Hurricane Sandy, hit late Monday night and did major damage that still lingers as I post this blog. Millions of people are still without power, thousands more are standing in long lines for hours trying to get gasoline for their cars and generators, and emotions are frayed.

If you didn’t trust your gut and follow-up on the warning signs that were prevalent in your marriage, a hurricane such as infidelity, mistrust, financial hardship, or emotional and domestic violence ends up causing major damage.

Like Hurricane Sandy, all is not lost, we can rebuild, but it will take time, patience and hard work. Here is some of the damage that occurs when a marriage hurricane enters your life.

• Flooding of Emotions

Currently, your emotions are overflowing at this point. There are two ways you can handle it. If the flooding was minor, you can take care of it yourself first by taking deep breaths, a step back, and assessing the situation. Analyze these factors:

1. When did the relationship start to change?
2. What could you have done to communicate your feelings about the situation?
3. Now that the situation is out in the open, what are you feelings currently?
4. What adjustments will you make to ensure the situation doesn’t happen again?

If the flooding is too severe, you may have to break out the heavy equipment. Talking to a marriage/relationship coach, can go a long way and they can see the situation for what it is and offer solutions based on the present and not the past. Often when hurricane of this magnitude happens personally, we will bring up things that happened in our past that doesn’t help to solve the problem.

• Internal Structural Damage

A hurricane can lead to some internal structural damage that if left untreated can affect you moving forward in your marriage. The loss of trust which is the backbone of any marriage can easily be damaged.

In this very informative website, Truth by Deception, it’s very important that your partner understands your feelings and your point of view in this situation and that you make the effort to try to make sure they understand. The other alternative such as revenge will only compound the negative feelings that already exist.

Consider these steps when trying to regain trust:

1. 1. Understanding your partner’s feelings – By acknowledging and validating your partner feelings will do more to start and regain trust more than apologizing, explaining, or withdrawing.  These strategies do not offer real understanding.
2. 2. Saying your sorry with no strings attached. – We always avert to doing this too quickly like we do when we are kids to prevent us from getting a spanking from our parents. In relationships though, the quick apology only appeases your partner and doesn’t seem thoughtful or genuine.  Since you did wrong, take the heat and let it linger before you offer apologies.
3. Communicate the reasons behind the situation – At some point, your partner will want to know what happened. Do your best to explain emotionally what was going on, and not blaming your partner. Trying to deflect the problem onto your partner will only create a bigger wedge.
4. In order to avoid the same type of hurricane, promises need to be made. These promises need to be:
   • mutually agreed upon – both parties must be satisfied with the promises offered
   • reasonable – promises need to involve things that one can actually live up to (broken promises are one of the worse things that could happen when trying to rebuild trust)
   • explicitly clear – both parties should double-check their understanding of the promises being made
   • related to the betrayal that occurred – promises about future behavior need to be related to how trust was violated
5. The promises have to be kept at all cost, otherwise greater damage can occur.
6. Communicate on both sides how the promises are being kept. By acknowledging the partner that did the wrong is doing better helps them to understand you aren’t holding them hostage.

• External Structural Damage

In some cases the hurricane will cause external damage that may be irreparable. In the case of verbal abuse and/or domestic violence the outward scars may have to force you to leave the situation.

1. Make sure your children are taken care of. – They automatically won’t understand and may need to talk out their feelings.
2. Find a counselor. – After your kids are settled, you will definitely need to get support for yourself.
3. Rebuild your self-esteem. – I’m sure this will be done in your counseling sessions, but you will have to set personal goals, in order to feel confident that you are moving past the situation.
4. Don’t rush into a new relationship – you don’t want to fall into the same negative situation you don’t got out of.
5. Utilize your resources – maintain a good support system long after your relationship has ended. The stronger the support the better.

Strivers, let’s start to repair not only our lives affected by this week’s storm, but our marriages that have been damaged as well. Remember this month, is Gratitude month.

Coach Keith

Why can’t our Women Trust Us? We don’t possess all the elements.

Today, I was speaking to a former student about one of her posts on FB. She had some anxiety about a situation about her boyfriend and how she was going to handle it. Is was about the essence of trust and how he had violated it several times.

Why do most issues  of trust  involve the husband, or the boyfriend? Why do we as husbands, or boyfriends scratch our heads when their female partners grill them about their whereabouts or extra-curricular activities? Some of us don’t possess all the elements needed to have a trusting relationship.

As men we are conditioned to live a certain way; strong, fearless, be the best.

On the flip side, we have to hide the bad aspects of our life, our weaknesses, the bad behavior and our fears. That sort of machoism may work in other circles of our life, but keeping those things a secret works in reverse when it comes to relationships. Why?

Our connection with our partner relies on creating a deep connection with your partner. The deep connection allows to desire, become passionate and gracious toward one another. These essential elements help form the love life you crave with your partner.

When our partner doesn’t see us as trustworthy toward the relationship, our connection suffers, thus the relationship suffers.

So what are some of the elements of trust that we as men need to develop.

Trust involves Risk – We have to be willing to break out of our cocoon that we place around our lives to avoid getting hurt. We can’t tell our partners:

• I’m good, when we aren’t
• Pull away because we want to pout, or don’t like what she has to say.
• Continue to keep a bad-habit a secret.
• Disconnect, or break-out because our flaw will be exposed.

We have to acknowledge and validate our partner’s vulnerability – Our partner may not reveal their true self because the energy you give off doesn’t invite her to do so. If that is in your heart, you must understand where that is coming from and make the necessary changes.

Take your partner’s ability to trust very seriously. If your woman, has taken the necessary steps to give you her trust, you must work hard to maintain it. Usually there has been point where her trust has been abused and she is hoping you won’t do it again.

If you happen to be in a relationship that has trust issues, in the next blog we will give tips on how to repair it.

Coach Keith

 

Keith Dent, is President and CEO of Strive 2 Succeed Coaching Services, an organization that helps individuals and groups strengthen their communication skills and understand how to hear each other deeply and with empathy. Understanding is the cornerstone of successful, harmonious relationships.

Who should Stay Home? The High Income Wife or the Do-Gooder Husband?

In this version of She Said vs. He Said there is a dilemma going on in 22% of the homes across the country according to a Pew Research Center study? When the wife makes clearly more money than her husband, who should stay home when their child is sick.  This decision is a challenge to make without knowing all the information about my story, so let me set it up for you.

I had a client that wanted me to serve as mediator over a particular issue. She has a high pressure, profile job as an office manager for a financial institution. He has a Master’s Degree in Non-Profit Management and is instrumental in running a small non-profit organization.

Early in the morning, they find out their daughter is running a high fever and there is no chance that she will be able to go to daycare. They discuss who will stay home with her for the day. Knowing that his job is more flexible, usually can stay home, but on this day he has to prepare for an upcoming event that is the next day and since he has been out of the office must go in. She has a very important meeting that involves some important changes that will affect the office, and with her affinity for keeping her boss on an even keel and bringing peace to these types of situations feels that she should go in.

Who should Stay Home? The wife who makes more money, or the bleeding heart husband who is lucky he has a wife that excels financially so he can do good?

I would love to hear who should stay home and your reason?

Are you a connection blocker? (Part 1)

Have you ever noticed when your partner started to tell you something important, but in the end never voiced what was on their mind. Or, after a very important discussion, all he/she ever did was shake their head in agreement, but never offered an opinion.

The reason is because you may be a connection blocker. A connection blocker is someone who doesn’t really want to know and understand their partner. Understanding your partner takes some key characteristics in order for connection to happen.

First you have to know yourself –what you think, want, desire, fear or want to communicate. Then you have to know how your spouse reacts to those same wants, fears and desires. You can only do that by asking the right questions.

So here is Part 1 of the possible connection blockers. Which one are you?

1. You devalue your partner by saying things like “That’s not true,” or That’s totally crazy,” indicates that you don’t care about your partners feelings and that you are there to criticize and not connect.
2. You minimize your partner – The “It’s not that bad.” statement is used to shut down your partner’s hope and that you will won’t understand. You may not feel the issue is as big a deal, but that’s not the issue right now. That’s where their heart is, connect around it.
3. You get defensive with your partner – You try to fight off any attack that may bring any negative energy to you. When you attack, you are closed off from your partner and unwilling to hear anything about your behavior or attitude.
4. You criticize or put down your partner– Being critical, when trying to build up your partner doesn’t work. Finding fault in your partner if it’s done for no good reason damages their self-esteem and ultimately damages your connection.
5. You escalate or overreact with your partner – The more emotional the topic the more reactive and defensive you get. You must be aware of how your button(s) is get pushed and take alternative steps to remove yourself from the drama.

 I would love to hear your comments about which connection blocker are you and how you try to minimize conflict.

Stay tuned to Part 2 of the connection blockers!

 

Coach Keith