Defend These 10 Vows If You Want To Make Your Marriage Last.

Defense is the action of defending or resisting attack. Yet, as men, we often feel that we don’t need to be on guard for anything especially when it comes to marriage.

On the other hand, women not only are they on guard for the things that happen in their marriage, they are on guard about everything that happen in their lives.

Men, for those of us that watch and understand sports, we know that defense is very vital important part of the game. It’s the only way you win. We all know the phrases, “A good defense beats a good offense.” “Offense wins games, defense wins championships.”

If a fruitful long lasting relationship is what we desire, then we must realize that at some point our relationship will come under attack. In order to win, we must apply these 10 principles to ensure our marriages last.

1. Defend against not knowing your spouse

So we must understand your partner’s strengths and weaknesses as well as your own. Pushing and encouraging your spouse to be great can be very difficult if you don’t know your own. Marriages can be challenging when you are constantly focusing on your partner’s weaknesses.

2. Defend against not supporting or protecting her freedom.

We must understand that even though we both need and enjoy our spouse and vice versa, it’s also important for us to maintain our individuality. In particular, we need to feel like the decisions we’re making are truly coming from us. According to John Knee in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when people feel forced or coerced into making choices — like they didn’t have any real choice in the matter — they’re less happy and less fulfilled. And, as you might have guessed, that lack of happiness is problematic for relationships.

3. Defend against not voicing your wishes, desires, fears and dreams.

We must understand that we have needs, fears and desires outside of our spouse. Our partners will never fully deeply understand us if we never voice them. It’s that lack of deep connection the leads to our relationships ending.

4. Defend against sacrificing your needs out of obligation just to make her happy.

Once you figure out what your needs are, discuss with your partner how your needs can be met. This can be easier said than done because your spouse will have her own needs and it may come in direct conflict with yours.  So be aware that fulfilling your needs will involve difficult sacrifices on her part.

Make sure that when you do make sacrifices you do it only with love and care, and not with reluctance or resentment. If can’t make sacrifices for the right reasons, it’s probably better not to make the sacrifice at all.

 

5. Defend against not being there for your spouse when she needs you.

Your partner will rely on you the most for support. If you aren’t there when she is distressed or that soft place to fall, she will find someone else to do it. Rather it’s other women or another man. Then she will begin to think. What does she need you for?

6. Defend against not nurturing her goals and ambitions; supporting her through misfortune and celebrating triumphs.

Your partner wants to feel support when it comes to taking risks. There is nothing more secure when your partner can go out and conquer their goals, and there is a cheerleader pushing them and congratulating them.

7. Defend against a boring, passionless marriage. 

It’s no secret that couples are happier when they engage in new, interesting things together. You are basically telling your partner that you promise not to let your relationship fall into a rut.  We’re going to keep dating each other, keep travelling and exploring together, and keep sharing novel and interesting experiences with each other for the rest of your lives

8. Defend against bailing when times get tough.

This is where the better or worse come in; in other words, to stay committed to each other. When a couple sees themselves as a permanent partnership, their perspective on problems tends to shift from being about battling against each other to being about “ride together or die”. Having this type of commitment helps people to stop treating conflicts as all-or-nothing, instead keeping the wellbeing of your partner and your relationship in mind. Acting as a team, puts you in a better position to face challenges together.

9. Defend against callousness and unfairness because, you are a team now and for always.

In other words your marriage isn’t about carefully keeping score to ensure that we’re each contributing to the relationship fairly and equally. Instead, you’re promising to always strive to contribute what you can, based on the needs of your partner. You have to trust that your respective efforts will more or less balance out in the long run.

 

10. Defend against taking your marriage for granted.

When you appreciate your partner, you’re happier and more committed to the relationship. When you express gratitude to your partner, they feel more appreciated, and that makes them just as happy and just as committed. So promise to never take each other for granted, but rather to appreciate what you have and express early and often.

These ten things are the best defense to the offensive attacks that can ruin your marriage over the long haul. As Osho says, “The fully matured man has no fear defense; he is completely open and vulnerable.”

Keith Dent is a relationship, life coach at www.strive2succeedcoaching.com . He has appeared on sites like Your Tango, The Good Men Project, MamMia and The Real Dad’s Network and is the author of the upcoming book In The Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love.

Letter to My Younger Married Self

Dear 29-Year old Keith,

Tomorrow when you wake up you’re going to have a brand new title Mr. Keith Dent married man to Priscilla Gordon. I know that you have already been dating for a year and a half, but this will be different.

The vows that you just echoed to all of your guests at the wedding will take on a meaning that you can’t even comprehend.

Your view of marriage will be challenged many times over. It will make you question your choices, but in reality it will make you question your abilities as a husband and a father.You are used to a patriarchal marriage that was full of energy and was captain of the ship. Your wife will not share these same views. She’s an independent woman who was raised to speak her mind when things look  out of whack and she will do so often. Don’t worry, it will be for your own good. Even after twenty years of marriage she will still continue to reiterate that you were the only man she would’ve married.

With that said, here are five things you will have to look forward to in your marriage journey.

Sharing in Caring.

This is maybe the most important thing you will learn. You’re wife is very generous, especially with the people she loves. She will expect the same from you.This will be evident when she buys you a honey bun as a surprise.When you eat the whole thing without offering her a bite, it won’t taste so good.

Your expectations as a husband will change.

Her strength and upbringing  will be an advantage especially when you figure out that corporate America isn’t for you. When you take that job delivering papers to support your family she will never look down on you. She will support you every step of the way. She will embrace your hard work and will do her part because teamwork makes the dream work.

Your children will challenge you in so many ways.

When you were growing up, your dad was the true leader of the family. He was the breadwinner, the planner and the disciplinarian. When he spoke, you listened. But, when you were younger you didn’t develop your own voice. You won’t have to worry about that when it comes to YOUR kids. They will laugh at you and question almost everything you say. Be prepared to teach and coach. It will be worth it. Your children will be your biggest legacy.

You will learn conflict and love are part of the deal. 

When you first meet your wife’s family, especially her sisters you will be thoroughly entertained. They can be loud, opinionated and most of all competitive. They will never let you live down the times they beat you down in a game of Taboo and Street Fighter. Even though they fight with each other, you won’t be able speak ill of any of them. They will teach you that conflict is okay and that’s what being in a family is all about.

She will help you laugh at yourself.

You are going to end up making so many silly mistakes from going to concerts on the wrong night to not remembering when summer camp for your youngest son is two years in a row. Your wife will know how you beat yourself up over these things. She will help you laugh at yourself. You live, you laugh, you learn and you buy Luvs will be one of her favorite sayings.

All in all your marriage will be one of the most important fulfilling relationships you will ever have. It’s a tremendous blessing that you met Priscilla at Jasper’s wedding. Look forward to twenty more years of a wonderful journey.

Sincerely,

49-year-old, Keith

S2S Song of the Night – Just Get Home!

With Snowpocalypse Part 2 hitting the Northeast today. You are not worried about the snowstorm all night. You are just worried that your partner gets home safe. If they have entered already. Tell them, ” I am glad that you get home safely.”

If not, think of these words that were sung so beautifully by Oleta Adams.

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway.
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert(blizzard) like an(a) Arab(Snow) man
I don’t care how you get here, just – get here if you can

Have a great night..I hope everyone got home safely.

Coach Keith

Start 2014 off right with Strive 2 Succeed Coaching..Here’s proof it works.

Hello Strivers! Today I received a nice note from a client based on my working with them. It’s great to here when clients are doing well especially after not hearing from them in a couple of months.  Here is what they said:

I had a positive experience with my coaching services provided by Strive 2 Succeed. The sessions served as a mutual platform where I can express my concerns and not feel judged or attacked.

During each session I was given simple tools that I was able to carry-over in my day-to-day marital interactions. I was challenged to think about myself and my relationship in ways that I haven’t thought of previously. I am so happy that I took the chance and sought out the coaching services with Strive 2 Succeed.

-K.W.

 What goals would you like to achieve in your marriage for 2014?

How can Strive 2 Succeed Coaching help?

I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year. And I look forward to sharing some great new posts and series during the new year.

Coach Keith

Keith Dent is the CEO of Strive 2 Succeed Coaching. He works  with couples to help them achieve the kind of relationship they envisioned when they first made their commitment to each other. Strengthening communication and revitalizing their understanding and empathy for each other helps couples regain the romance and closeness they long for – even in their everyday “real” world.

5 tips for iLoveStrong Couples need to help battle the Cancer together.

This past season, I really enjoyed the TV show Parenthood, because it tackled the today’s topic,  5 tips for iLoveStrong Couples need to help battle Cancer together.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/405090

In a recent article in the New York Times, Dr. Shapiro, the author of a new book, “And in Health: A Guide for Couples Facing Cancer Together.” gave advice that can help prevent the diagnosis from damaging one’s most important relationship.

He wrote, “Cancer, is like a tremor that rattles our walls and finds the fault lines that already existed. If we’re not careful, it reaches into our relationships and drags out these subtle differences and magnifies them.”

For most marriages, certain things go unsaid, like certain needs that aren’t being met by the other partner, or accommodating your partner out of fear or conflict. Couples don’t deal with these issues immediately because they feel that there will always be a day to talk about them.

When the Big “C” (cancer) comes or any serious illness for that matter can only exacerbate this issue. Dr. Shapiro, who had cancer himself, stated, “Withholding my feelings was a big mistake. “By not being honest with my wife,” he said, “you can create a wedge in the relationship at a time when you both need understanding and support.”

Cancer can cause people to lose their bearings and to push away those they love and most need to help them through the challenges of treatment. if this is you, here are 5 tips that can strengthen your marriage as you fight cancer together.

1. Teamwork Is Essential – When a spouse is faced with the challenge of a potentially fatal diagnosis like cancer, he/she will often have difficulty remembering everything doctors tell them and correctly interpreting the information. Couples should see doctors as a team, with one assigned to take notes and both able to ask questions, misunderstandings about diagnoses and treatment options are less likely.If doctors fail to adequately address the patient’s concerns, the couple should decide which partner will speak up. And when both members of a couple are educated about side effects, they are less likely to panic when a symptom develops.
2. Talk and Touch – A mastectomy affects a woman’s sexuality. A woman may feel less attractive or  desirable after the operation. She may be unwilling or extremely anxious and  self-conscious about her partner seeing her naked. This affects her libido. The  sex drive in mastectomy patients decreases immediately after the operation as  does the amount of sex she has. As the husband, it’s important that whenever and however you can, express and show your love and concern in words, actions and touch. When faced with cancer, Dr. Shapiro’s wife needed him to say, repeatedly, that he loved her. “And she wanted me to take the trash down to the street on time without being reminded,” he added.  “A soft nonsexual touch on the arm or shoulder can be a soothing balm when we feel vulnerable,” Dr. Shapiro wrote.
3. Mistakes are learning opportunities Couples must rely more than ever on patience and tolerance. “Cancer requires a whole new set of skills at a time when most of us are depleted, distracted and scared,” he wrote. Each person should go easy on the partner when “rookie mistakes” occur, like forgetting appointments, losing things or locking the keys in the car.When people are anxious, they may deflect their feelings to their partner. For example, when couples are waiting for the results of treatment, rather than take out their anxiety on spouses, themselves or anyone else, Dr. Shapiro suggests, “Do exercise, go for walks, see a movie, talk to friends and distract yourself.”
4. Mind reading is not an option Patients often expect their partners to know how they are feeling and what they may want, then resent it when unexpressed needs are not met.A patient’s ability and energy to perform tasks may change from one day to the next. Patients may feel unsupported if their partners expect them to function normally when they feel awful, or they may resent having jobs taken from them when they feel well. It’s better to ask than to assume. Both should “talk about what needs to be done today and who’s going to do it,” Dr. Shapiro advised. He encourages spouses to repeatedly check in with each other about various tasks.
5. Prepare for the Unknown No one can ever predict if cancer will go into remission, or will take a turn for the worse.In Dr. Shapiro’s book, he urges couples to have a conversation about end-of-life care, making clear their wishes in case a spouse later faces decisions about life support.“Advanced directives are a lasting gift” for those you love, Dr. Shapiro said. One woman he interviewed lost her chance to spend the last months with her husband in the way she wanted because the doctors pursued treatment even as he was dying.

In the end these 5 tips will strengthen your marriage during your battle with cancer? If you are a person that has battled a serious illness what are some things you suggest that can help you are your spouse become closer?

5 Lessons about your marriage kids Learn by your Example: Part 4 (Giving)

Part 4 of our 5 part series of 5 Lessons about your marriage kids learn by your example has to do with Giving.

One of the most important ways, that our kids will follow our example is how we Give.

Our kids at an early age understand the word Get, especially when they see us purchase anything we want, or if anytime they ask for something and we buy it for them.

What we truly don’t understand is that our kids truly enjoy how much we give them versus how much we get them.

Let me explain. There are three crucial things that we can give, that will carry over into their own marriages when they have kids.

When you give them Thanks

Our kids will watch us, especially when you give thank them. Our kids feel empowered when we thank them for doing something out of the ordinary, or even more simply for being themselves. This will be helpful as our kids get to their teen years because their identity is constantly being challenged. If they get a sense from you that you value who they are it will provide confidence and self-esteem.

When you give them Time.

This is also  important, but can be very challenging. Uninterrupted time is something we take for granted, but what our kids cherish the most. Imagine, if you gave each of your kids 1 hour of devoted time every day for them to do whatever they wanted. That can be a challenge for anyone. One thing, my wife and I do is give each of our children their own vacation by themselves. I can say, those opportunities have been the most memorable for all of them and it has truly allowed us to know them as individuals.

When you show them how to give out of your wallet.

By donating to a cause you believe in, whether it be your church or a non-profit organization it will help your kids understand that earning a living doesn’t mean that you buy things just for yourself. You should systematically sacrifice it to give to others in need.

 

More important to give things than to have things.

When show them how to give of yourself.

Your kids will definitely watch how you extend yourself to neighbors. Take the time to get to know them, at least their names, and their children’s names. At some point, invite them over to dinner. You will be amazed how beneficial this will be for your neighbors; for your kids and even to you.

 

Remove the Scrooge! 5 reasons why you should give the gift of Gratitude this holiday season!

Welcome back Strivers. I know it has been awhile since my  last post. I have been developing a lot of new an innovative things due to an exciting 12-week entrepreneur class I attended called the Community Business Academy given by an organization called Rising Tide Capital.  I also happen to work there, but it’s a totally different thing when you focus on  your own business. So in the year 2013, expect some exciting changes in relation to this blog.

One of things I was working is an empowerment call for couples that happens once a month, called ILOVESTRONG. The topic for the month of December was giving the gift of gratitude.

What is gratitude?  – It’s the quality of being thankful;readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. Having gratitude means respecting its value and treasuring how unique and beautiful or indispensable it is.

Here are five reasons why you should give the gift of Gratitude this holiday season!

1. Provides incentive by reciprocation. According to Amie Gordon, a psychologist from U.C. Berkeley, couples who had ongoing reciprocal appreciation were less likely to break up in the next nine months and even reported being more committed at the end of that time. The researchers concluded that a nourishing cycle of encouragement and appreciation provides extra incentive to maintain our relationships. In other words, when we appreciate our partners, we develop trust and respect. When we feel appreciated, we feel needed and encouraged.
2. Deepens your communication skills. In the second Gordon’s study, researchers observed how couples of all ages—from 18 to 60—communicated appreciation. The team noticed that “highly appreciative” pairs tended to use body language and response skills to show that they valued their spouses. When their partner spoke, appreciative spouses leaned in, made eye contact, and responded thoughtfully to what they were saying. They made it clear that they were listening to and digesting what their spouse said, thereby showing that they valued their spouse’s opinion. Appreciative couples also used touch and physical encouragement such as handholding or an encouraging pat on the leg.
3. It show’s your partner that he/she matters. Whether they know it or not, your partner likely notices what things give you joy. If they do little things for you on a daily basis and you stop paying attention, and acknowledging the action, they’re likely to stop doing them for you. This might not be a conscious decision they make, but if they’re doing something solely to please you and it doesn’t seem to be working, why should they continue?
4. The gift of gratitude can lead to a greater level of marriage intimacy.  If you have read my Intimacy Series, you know I feel it’s very important foundational piece to a strong marriage. Gratitude can enhance your intimacy with your spouse if you need to have a conversation with them about something you’re unhappy about, starting by telling them all the things you appreciate is likely going to get you much further than beginning by telling them the things you want to see changed. It’s simply common sense that if someone feels nothing they ever do is good enough, they won’t be doing much for long.
5. Gratitude can jumpstart your marriage. The key to sparking healthy relationships with gratitude is to take the initiative: “Instead of just waiting for the other person to make you feel good, you can jumpstart that cycle and take it into your own hands by focusing on what’s good in your relationship,” says Dr. Gordon.

Don’t wait for the other person. Jumpstart your marriage and remove the Scrooge!

What simple things can you do today to show gratitude toward your spouse?

Happy Holidays everyone!

Keith Dent

Gratitude is a skill that you cultivate—nurture it in yourself, and soon your will see positivity radiate back at you.

iLoveStrong Question of the Day?

As we head toward the homestretch to the holidays and the end of the year, I figured I would get you started with an iLoveStrong Question of the Day?

What is your fondest Christmas memory with your spouse?

 

Do you have the Magical Kitchen when it comes to Love?

For all you foodies out there, you take your kitchen to heart. But do you have the Magical Kitchen when it comes to Love. Here is an excerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Mastery of Love that explains what I mean.

Imagine that you have a magical kitchen in your home. In that magical kitchen, you can have any food you want from any place in the world in any quantity. You
never worry about what to eat; whatever you wish for, you can have at your table. You are very generous with your food; you give your food unconditionally
to others, not because you want something in return from them.

Then one day someone knocks at your door, and it’s a person with a pizza. You open the door, and the person looks at you and says, “Hey, do you see this pizza? I’ll give you this pizza if you let me control your life, if you just do whatever I want you to do. You are never going to starve because I can bring pizza every day. You just have to be good to me.”

Can you imagine your reaction? In your kitchen you can have the same pizza – even better. Yet this person comes to you and offers you food, if you just do whatever he wants you to do. You are going to laugh and say, “No, thank you! I don’t need your food; I have plenty of food. You can come into my house and eat whatever you want, and you don’t have to do anything. Don’t believe I’m going to do whatever you want me to do. No one will manipulate me with food.”

Now imagine exactly the opposite. Several weeks have gone by, and you haven’t eaten. You are starving, and you have no money in your pocket to buy food. The person comes with the pizza and says, “Hey, there’s food here. You can have this food if you just do what I want you to do.” You can smell the food, and you are starving. You decide to accept the food and do whatever that person asks of you. You eat some food, and he says, “If you want more, you can have more, but you have to keep doing what I want you to do.”

You have food today, but tomorrow you may not have food, so you agree to do whatever you can for food. You can become a slave because of food, because you need food, because you don’t have it. Then after a certain time you have doubts. You say, “What am I going to do without my pizza? I cannot live without my pizza. What if my partner decides to give the pizza to someone else – my pizza?”

Now imagine that instead of food, we are talking about love.

Valentine’s Day–it’s the Super Bowl of Love, but I prefer the regular season.

This morning I went to Shoprite to pick up strawberries for my son’s Valentine’s Day party. I thought I would be in and out of the store because I can usually find them  as soon as I enter the store. Instead it took me awhile to find them because they were replaced by roses and flower arrangements. Isn’t it funny that groceries stores and even gas stations have joined Hallmark, to prepare for this one event?

On average, Americans are spending $126 on their significant other according to the National Retail Federation. Another important issue is that after Valentine’s Day is a peak season for break-ups. The major reason is the build up of the perfect gift usually never really materializes.

What if we just focused on celebrating and honoring our significant others throughout the year, instead of one day. Would it take the pressure off you trying to find that perfect gift?

Here are some regular season gifts that you can give your spouse.

For the Men:

1. Be creative when you express your love both in words and actions.
2. Focus on what he is doing right.
3. Take notice for what he has done for you and your family
4. Show your love through actions he will appreciate.
5. Instead of bragging about his gift, brag about him as a gift.

For the Ladies:

1. Express to her that you need and value her.
2. Keep her trust.
3. Surprise her with what she would want done before she asks
4. Compliment her for the giftedness you see in her. Be specific!
5. Show and tell her she matters more than any gift you could buy.

Now what will you do to show your spouse you love and honor them besides a gift.

No matter what you do, I hope you have a happy and enjoyable Valentine’s Day.