Better Sex involves getting hold of your senses!

I decided not to add this topic in my last post because I felt it needed its own category. Usually sex, or good sex is synonymous with orgasmic pleasure. As a man, you have reached your goal when you achieve orgasm. That could either take a few minutes, or hours depending on several variables.  In the art of lovemaking, you can really achieve you goal if your partner also achieves orgasm and the ultimate prize is when you both do it simultaneously.

One thought, do you ever consider what other parts of the body feel good when they are touched by your partner. Not really! Why would you when most of the time you reach our goal. Men, wouldn’t be nice and you would feel like the true champion in the bedroom; achieving the ultimate goal every time you had sex with your spouse.

One way to do that is what therapists call Sensate Focusing. Studied by William Masters and Virginia Johnson, sensate focusing is the art of using nonintercourse, nongenital pleasuring exercises to help improve your sex life.  The purpose is twofold: to keep you focused on sensuality and touching in your physical relationship, and to help you learn to communicate openly and naturally about what you like and don’t like in lovemaking.

As a man, I know you are wondering, why would I need to stray from what’s working. After several months of scheduling a night to have sex with my wife, I can go to sleep and wait for the next few months when I will get to do it over again. Fellas, you know that after you have had sex, you want to continue having it more often.  There are several benefits to trying this exercise:

SENSATE FOCUSING REMOVES THE PRESSURE TO PERFORM

You know having infrequent sex doesn’t improve your stamina in the bedroom. By focusing on something besides doing it right, sex can become more enjoyable. And you don’t have to worry about your wife giving that sarcastic grin while telling you, “Maybe next month.”  The idea is to pleasure your mate through full body touch, massage, stroking and caressing. I am sure your wife will enjoy that because the night is relaxed, tender.

SENSATE FOCUSING HELPS YOU FIND OUT WHAT ELSE ON YOUR BODY FEELS GOOD.

You may discover for the first time in your life what real emotional, intimate erotic connection feels like.

SENSATE FOCUSING IS A GREAT FORM OF CONNECTION

You get to truly connect with your partner without sex. Your problems in the bedroom is that your partner is having sex with you, but doesn’t feel connected. By switching the focus, the act of sex can be healing and very powerful.

SENSATE FOCUSING PROVIDES EDUCATION

There might have been things you wanted to tell your partner about her lovemaking, but never did because it might disrupt  you from achieving your goal, orgasm. With this exercise, she will get the opportunity to learn your likes and dislikes and vice versa.

SENSATE FOCUSING SLOWS YOU DOWN

When you do, you may find out that your wife is that tiger in the bedroom that you have been waiting to see, but you just never took the time to find out.

Here’s how it works:

  • With your partner, you will determine who will be the giver and who will be the receiver. As the receiver you will let your partner touch/massage you in areas besides your genital region where it feels good. You will give either verbal, or hand guided feedback on where that is.  Verbal feedback will consist of where you like to be touched, the intensity of your touch and where to go next.
  • As the giver, your role is to provide the pleasure, and be attentive on how your partner reacts to your touch. It’s very important to ask for feedback as often as possible. The goal of this exercise is to give what your partner wants, you what you feel he/she needs.
  • Then you will switch roles.
  • Over time as you continue to use this technique, it will become easier to communicate openly about your feelings about sex. By working together and touching together you will enjoy reaching the Ultimate Goal.

Men, STRIVE for that Ultimate Goal.

Coach Keith

Healthy Sex is about Connection!

If you have been married a few years, you get into a routine. It establishes a sense of normalcy, but oftentimes sex isn’t always a part of the routine.

According to some polls out there, here are some feedback on how much sex isn’t included in daily life of our married couples.

  • Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That’s slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek 
  • Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than people who have never been married. — Newsweek 
  • 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
  • 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today 
  • 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. —Psychology Today
In reality, when we are dating, we aren’t having sex all the time with our partners. It just seems like it because our energy is channelled into the chunk of time we spend together, the weekend. Also if the sex, becomes infrequent for either partner, they move onto someone else and the process begins all over again. 
If you look up intercourse in Webster’s Dictionary you find these definitions’ (1) connection or dealings between persons or groups, (2) exchange especially of thoughts or feelings (3) physical sexual contact between individuals that involves genitalia of at least one person.”
So Strivers, if healthy sex is about connection, why can’t we follow a simple definition?

Are you a connection blocker? (Part 2)

I know you had a sigh of relief, when you read Connection Blockers – Part 1, and realized your action hadn’t created a wedge between you and your partner! From my last post, a connection blocker is someone who doesn’t really want to know and understand their partner.

Here are the final 7 connection blockers. Which one are you?

  1. You use shutdown statements and behaviors. – When you are mad or hurt, these statements bring communication to a halt.
    • Fine” or “Everything’s fine” (when it’s not fine).
    • “Doesn’t matter or Whatever
    • Give your partner the silent treatment.
  2. You shift the blame. – It’s your basic cause and effect argument. When your partners feelings are hurt, you react by saying it’s because of them. By choosing to use a counterattack on your partner shuts down any chance at connection.
  3. You use Sarcasm – Not only does it shut down the connection..It hurts.
  4. You use “You Always or “You Never” – these statements are general statements, but are not usually based on reality. Phrases like “You never listen to me” or “You always cut me off ” cause your partner to be confused. These statements tend help describe a feeling, but not the problem.
  5. You jump to your own experiences and don’t validate your partner’s issue. –  Instead of just listening to your partner’s issues, you try to minimize the damage by bringing up your own. This connection blocker hangs your partner out to dry.
  6. You try to fix it. – Sometimes just listening is the fix.
  7. You use the “I’m just no good” statement. – this will cut off any chance at connecting with your partner. By playing the victim, your partner will almost always save you from your victim stance otherwise they admit to themselves they made a bad choice. Therefore, they negate their unresolved feelings.

Now that you understand connection blockers, look out for them. If you see they exist, it’s ok. Work with your partner to identify when either of you use these blockers so you can remove them and deepen your relationship.

Coach Keith