It’s all about Feelings. (Intimacy Level #5)

We have reached a point in our level of Intimacy that can take your relationship to new heights . The ability to express your feelings. Frankie Beverly so eloquently sings in his song “Happy Feelings”.

And I’m gonna tell all I seen – These Happy feelin’s – I spread them all over the world – From Deep in my Soul.

We all yearn to connect with someone deep enough to share our feelings with, but we often hesitate to take the next step out of fear and rejection.

When our marriages, or relationships are relatively new, we can easily get through the facts of who we are. We can respond to these facts by stating our opinions. We may even get to the point whereby we can share our hopes and dreams. When it comes time to share our deep-rooted feelings about our partner, or our marriage it’s equivalent to jumping off the high dive and not knowing how to swim. We are opening ourselves to vulnerability in ways that have never been done before.

We may be reluctant to walk that plank because of the possibilities of fear and rejection are also at heighten levels. But if you want to achieve this level of intimacy the risk is worth taking. It is vital if your goal is to live a full and abundant life with your partner.

One thing that may delay that step is if you don’t feel you not at that point in your marriage to view your spouse as that confidante you can lean on for support. If that is true, you may want to revisit the other intimacy levels to see where the communication in your marriage is falling short.

If you are constantly and consistently bad-mouthing your husband, or wife and judging every word that comes out of their mouth, this level of intimacy will be almost impossible to achieve. You will need to create a system where you share your feelings in a healthful way. Over time it will become easier to share your innermost feelings in the future.

Matthew Kelly, author of  The Seven Levels of Intimacy, suggest that you use the Who? What? When? Where? How? and Why? method.

The Who? is hopefully with your spouse.  Make sure you keep in mind if you are feeling a certain way about your spouse that you are expressing your feelings in a way they become your best self. If that isn’t the case, go talk it out with God in the woods somewhere or write it in a journal. If you choose another person as that confidant, like an adolescent child, it may seem awkward and inappropriate to put that label on them.

The What? are those feelings that you need to express.

The When? is very important. You have to be in tune to the time your spouse will be the most receptive to listen. I know if I was in a happy mood as soon as I entered the door from working all day,  I sure didn’t want to discuss something that was going to bring down my energy. Timing is important because you want to avoid being rejected because he/she wasn’t ready to listen.

The Where? You create the environment that makes you the most comfortable to share with no distractions. In front of the TV during the football game, or American Idol will not be the best place.

The How? Using “I” statements is important for expressing your true feelings. Using passive-aggressive language leave your partner even more frustrated and aware that your aren’t ready to have an intimate relationship.

The Why? By utilizing this method it will give you the greatest opportunity to succeed in achieving intimacy.

It is important that you manage your expectations in regards to intimacy level #5. It will take practice and the art of being a good active listener.

I know you hear this all the time..Being a good listener..My ears work, so what does that mean.

The qualities of active listening are understanding adds value. We are a nation of talkers. Impatient talkers if you want to be specific. Reality shows, social media, text, IM, is all about talking and sharing our thoughts OUT LOUD. If you can delay gratification and listen to your partner, your intrinsic value toward one another will increase.

Be mindful of the adjectives your partner gives. Those adjectives are the deeper issues behind the facts your partner shares. If your partner is reaching out to you to tell you that he/she is bored. It’s time to drill deeper.

If you hear that, repeat to question in order to make sure this is what you are hearing and ask questions. When you do this, your partner will gain confidence to reveal even more.

Finally, make sure you make eye contact with the person, even if you are inclined to turn away because it’s personal. Don’t! It will show not only to your spouse that you look interested, but you are interested.

Remember feelings are reactions to our journey of life. Some are good, some are bad. By giving your man, or woman the opportunity to express their feelings freely is truly the pinnacle to reaching intimacy level #5.

Keep Striving!

Keith Dent

Strive 2 Succeed Relationship Coach

Husband not pulling his weight? Blame the commercials.

I was watching TV show that is primarily geared towards women last night. I won’t tell you what it is, so I don’t lose my MAN Card. The interesting thing was a Target commercial scrolled across the screen. I usually am a channel surfer, this commercial caught my eye. It involved a husband and wife in bed and since I am a relationship coach, I had to stop and watch.

The man was trying to explain his actions, so he could get some love, but she wasn’t havin’ it.  All I could do was shake my head, another “idiot man” commerical

Now, I turned to my wife and I asked her, “Can you give me at least one commercial where they have a woman look dumb in front of her spouse, or have to beg for anything?” Of course she couldn’t even give me one and that is the point of this blog today.

Commercials are messing our marriages. The reason any product today, that involves relationships, has the man looking dumb, weak and incompetent. McDonald’s, Bud Light, Dairy Queen just to name a few portray men are incapable of doing simple tasks from cooking, cleaning and just plain taking care of the kids. And these attitudes transfer to our real life relationships.

See the enclosed add whereby her husband which is her best friend is Mr. Jack Donkey. He has no domestic skills at all. He just messes up the house along with her kids, who are pigs.

So as a husband, why would I initially attempt to do any of these things if that’s how I am going to be made to feel by my wife?

So if your husband is not pulling his weight around the house or with the kids ask him, “Is it because of the commercials?”