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Everyone can have Secure Partner! The question is do you want one?

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Before I met, PG there was someone in my life that I actually adored. I really thought that she was “the one”, and I never could figure out, why she wasn’t.

We are good friends to this day and she was able to find the person that was right for her, but with the invention of FACEBOOK,  I was curious why we didn’t work out? Simply put, she wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I could provide; stable, secure, BORING.

Everyone can have a partner that is very secure about the relationship. The question is, do you want that type of person in your life? In this age of reality TV, and constant news coverage, it may be hard to fathom being with someone who has a secure relationship style. Due to the lack of drama in their life, it can be perceived they are emotionless, even boring. Quite the contrary, if you have an avoidant attachment style, or and anxious attachment style, a secure person is exactly the person you should seek.

Here’s why:

People that are secure have Buffering Powers.

According to Patrick Keelan as part of his doctoral dissertation from the University of Toronto found that individuals with a secure attachment style are more satisfied in their relationships, but what is even greater about them is they are able to decrease their partner’s insecure relationship satisfaction level.

What you see is not usually what you get!

Individuals with secured attachment styles come in all shapes and sizes. The might be the life of the party, but also the biggest wallflower in the room. One thing is for certain, they can handle any relationship as if it’s by magic.

They possess these superpowers that other attachment styles just can’t master.

  1. Can diffuse most conflicts – during a fight, they don’t get defensive, and don’t try to escalate a situation by injuring or punishing their partner.
  2. Mentally flexible – not threatened by criticism and can revise their beliefs or strategies if necessary.
  3. Effective communicators – they are naturals at expressing their feelings freely and accurately.
  4. Don’t play games – They want closeness, so if you are down with that..Step up.
  5. They enjoy closeness  for what it is. – And aren’t afraid of it, which is difficult for the anxious if the closeness isn’t t their standards, or the avoid ants, who will bolt at the nearest indication of it.
  6. Find it easy to forgive – Feel their partner’s intentions are good, even when they mess up.
  7. They don’t try and separate intimacy and sex.
  8. If you are in their inner circle, you are treated as such.
  9. Secure in their power to improve the relationship.
  10. Responsible for their partner’s well-being.

You won’t have time to make up you mind.

A person with a secured attachment style will naturally gravitate toward those people who make them happy. They will not fall prey to the emotional highs and lows that plague anxious individuals and they will not project a false fantasy that you are “the one” and then pull the rug from under your feet when you decide to show your true feelings.

Because they are effective communicators, they will let you know how they feel about you. It will be up to you to determine if you are ready to go the distance. They will take the chance.

So if you  are one of non-secure attachment styles, you must decide very early into the relationship if you can handle that because they will not be around very long for you to make up your mind.

Don’t take Secureds for granted.

You make think you have hit the lottery, when you are able to finally have that secured stable man/woman that you have longed for all your life. But don’t be fooled, you will have to make a concerted effort to move to a more secure frame of mind, which will take some work on your part. You will know if you have pushed things too far, if your once secured partner has taken on the traits that you possess. Let’s hope that never happens.

What do you think about this topic? Have you ever pushed someone who seemed secure out of your life based on your attachment style? If you were able to get them back, how did you do it? I would love to hear?

Coach Keith

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If you’re partner is anxious..reassurance is the key to Happiness!

Man puts woman on pedestal

Emily,who possessed an anxious attachment style, met an aspiring actor named David. She fell for him very quickly, but throughout the relationship, he gave her mixed reviews about wanting to be together. The lack of reassurance unnerved Emily and she began to obsess about him. She would constantly check on him and would spend hours tracking his whereabouts online and creating fake personas in order to chat with him.

Once she realized that he was actually the bad dude that she was trying to investigate, it took her a long time to leave the situation.

Why you may ask? Because of her attachment style.

Someone that has the anxious attachment style tends to be hypersensitive to anything that might threaten any intimate relationship.  When that occurs, you will tend to activate strategies that will get, or remain close to your partner.

Some of those strategies are:

  • Thinking about your mate any and all times of the day.
  • Putting them on a pedestal:underestimating your talents
  • Believing this is your only chance at love (i.e. I will never find another person like him/her or I will end up alone.
  • Even though you’re unhappy now, they will eventually turn it around, so I better hang in there.
  • He/She can change.

These thought processes can cause you to live your life in the danger zone in terms of relationships. Constantly living in this zone can cause you to behave in such away that can be toxic not only to you, but also your partner.

You will try and get their attention by acting in ways like:

  • Staying in constant contact by e-mail, text, or simply running into them at odd places and times (i.e. stalking)
  • Withdrawing
  • Keeping score
  • Acting hostile
  • Threatening to leave
  • Manipulation
  • Trying to make him/her feel jealous

If you are dating someone that possesses these characteristics and you are very interested in them, don’t mess with their heads early in the relationship. Reassurance is the key. You must be attuned to their needs in the early stages of dating otherwise you will expend more energy trying to maintain a sense of normalcy.

Has anyone dated someone that had an anxious attachment style? What things did you do to reassure that you were committed to the relationship?

In our next blog on Attachment style, we will explore why the anxious is attracted to the avoider!

 

Coach Keith

 

Information about this blog comes from Attached – The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.
 
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Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Attachment Series

 

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