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7 Reasons Why Your Relationship is Like Playing In The Paint!

If you have ever watched, or played a basketball game, there is a place on the court that is called “The Paint.” It’s the rectangular area on the court contained within the key. The key is the area that encompasses the middle of the floor underneath the basket. It is often shaded, which explains the origin of the word, and always has a semi-circle attached on the short side opposite the basket.

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In a basketball game this is the area where the big boys play. It’s also one of the most important areas on the basketball court. There is lots of bumping, shoving, and pushing in the paint. It’s also the place where you can get rebounds and score easy baskets. If you can’t master this area in a basketball game, you are less likely to win.

Being in a marriage there is similar to Playing In the Paint. In marriage, there are seven qualities that make it similar to this important part of basketball.

  1. When You Play in the Paint, you have to know your strengths. Dennis Rodman knew he was a great rebounder, and he worked on his craft to make sure he was an asset to his team. In marriage, you need to know your strengths as well as the strength of your partner, to ensure you are pushing each other to be their best self. thHUW9X37H
  2. When You Play in the Paint, you have to be able to trust your teammate. The Boston Celtics of the 80’s are considered one of the top frontcourt tandem of all time. They had ferocious grace and skill, but their best characteristic was they had each other’s back on the court. When you are marriage, you are competing against so much; work, the kids, outside pressures, that you have to be able to trust each other no matter what.
  3. When You Play in the Paint you will get angry. Some of the biggest fights, visible or not will happen in the painted area. It happens when you are in close proximity to each other. Marriage is no different. You are in close proximity to you spouse for the rest of you life. It’s normal. The most important part is how you handle your anger.
  4. When You Play in the Paint you have to be able to talk. It’s the job of the other team to screen and shield you from their player, so they can score. In order to play defense effectively, you will have to be able to communicate. In marriage, communication is the lifeblood to any marriage in order to establish goals and avoid any obstacles that may get in the way of being fulfilled,
  5. When You Play in the Paint you create an identity. The Detroit Pistons of the 90’s where also called the BAD BOYS, because they were known for playing hard nosed basketball and inflicting pain on their court to help provide and edge. In marriage, you want to create a set of core beliefs and principles that you will live by. This will clearly help move in the same direction as your marriage progresses. It was also help you establish a set of principles to pass down once the kids arrive.
  6. When You Play in the Paint  you have to be able to defend. Akeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson, aka The Twin Towers, made it almost impossible for offiensive players to score down low. In marriage you have to have a great defense if you are going to make it. In this instance, defense means the ability to handle your finances. If you struggle in this area, you will struggle in marriage.
  7. When You Play in the Paint you develop a special bond. The chemistry among the members that play in the paint can be very fulfilling. This play is taken for granted in a typical basketball game today, since centers are no longer the focal point of the team. In reality, these players are the unsung heroes of any team. In marriage, your sexual bond, is very important, but it is often taken for granted especially when the children, your career and take precedent. By paying attention to this important aspect can help you keep your marriage fresh and interesting.

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Excerpts from this blog is taken from Coach Keith’s upcoming new book In the Paint, How to Win at the Game of Love. If you are interested reserving your copy, e-mail him at info@strive2succeedcoaching.com.

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2016 in In the Paint, Uncategorized

 

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Your husband has feelings too!

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Last week there was an interesting article I read, 15 Things A Wife is Embarrassed to tell my Husband I need.

What struck me was her candor and how hard it was to find the same type of emotions from men.

But we do!

Maybe that’s one of the problems in relationships. We just expect husbands to never have issues. Since we never discuss them openly, our wives often scratch their heads when we run away from them and share our problems with a stranger.

Well I wanted to shed light on some of the issues that husbands might have so they can be discussed.

Click here to read what some of them might be.

Has your husband had any of these issues?  How did you go about talking about them.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2015 in Marriage Madness

 

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Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango

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Since Greg Hardy has been in the news this week, I figured I would send you an article about what the NFL’s should do around creating a new Domestic Violence policy?  Here is my take on what changes could be made to be more pro-active from the Commish’s office.

Abusive Relationships: The NFL’s Domestic Violence Policy | Keith Dent | YourTango.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2014 in In the Trenches, Uncategorized

 

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Are you a connection blocker? (Part 2)

I know you had a sigh of relief, when you read Connection Blockers – Part 1, and realized your action hadn’t created a wedge between you and your partner! From my last post, a connection blocker is someone who doesn’t really want to know and understand their partner.

Here are the final 7 connection blockers. Which one are you?

  1. You use shutdown statements and behaviors. – When you are mad or hurt, these statements bring communication to a halt.
    • Fine” or “Everything’s fine” (when it’s not fine).
    • “Doesn’t matter or Whatever
    • Give your partner the silent treatment.
  2. You shift the blame. – It’s your basic cause and effect argument. When your partners feelings are hurt, you react by saying it’s because of them. By choosing to use a counterattack on your partner shuts down any chance at connection.
  3. You use Sarcasm – Not only does it shut down the connection..It hurts.
  4. You use “You Always or “You Never” – these statements are general statements, but are not usually based on reality. Phrases like “You never listen to me” or “You always cut me off ” cause your partner to be confused. These statements tend help describe a feeling, but not the problem.
  5. You jump to your own experiences and don’t validate your partner’s issue. –  Instead of just listening to your partner’s issues, you try to minimize the damage by bringing up your own. This connection blocker hangs your partner out to dry.
  6. You try to fix it. – Sometimes just listening is the fix.
  7. You use the “I’m just no good” statement. – this will cut off any chance at connecting with your partner. By playing the victim, your partner will almost always save you from your victim stance otherwise they admit to themselves they made a bad choice. Therefore, they negate their unresolved feelings.

Now that you understand connection blockers, look out for them. If you see they exist, it’s ok. Work with your partner to identify when either of you use these blockers so you can remove them and deepen your relationship.

Coach Keith

 

 
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Posted by on May 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Are you a connection blocker? (Part 1)

Have you ever noticed when your partner started to tell you something important, but in the end never voiced what was on their mind. Or, after a very important discussion, all he/she ever did was shake their head in agreement, but never offered an opinion.

The reason is because you may be a connection blocker. A connection blocker is someone who doesn’t really want to know and understand their partner. Understanding your partner takes some key characteristics in order for connection to happen.

First you have to know yourself –what you think, want, desire, fear or want to communicate. Then you have to know how your spouse reacts to those same wants, fears and desires. You can only do that by asking the right questions.

So here is Part 1 of the possible connection blockers. Which one are you?

  1. You devalue your partner by saying things like “That’s not true,” or That’s totally crazy,” indicates that you don’t care about your partners feelings and that you are there to criticize and not connect.
  2. You minimize your partner – The “It’s not that bad.” statement is used to shut down your partner’s hope and that you will won’t understand. You may not feel the issue is as big a deal, but that’s not the issue right now. That’s where their heart is, connect around it.
  3. You get defensive with your partner – You try to fight off any attack that may bring any negative energy to you. When you attack, you are closed off from your partner and unwilling to hear anything about your behavior or attitude.
  4. You criticize or put down your partner– Being critical, when trying to build up your partner doesn’t work. Finding fault in your partner if it’s done for no good reason damages their self-esteem and ultimately damages your connection.
  5. You escalate or overreact with your partner – The more emotional the topic the more reactive and defensive you get. You must be aware of how your button(s) is get pushed and take alternative steps to remove yourself from the drama.

 I would love to hear your comments about which connection blocker are you and how you try to minimize conflict.

Stay tuned to Part 2 of the connection blockers!

 

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Relationship Gratitude Day 15 (Thank you for taking out the trash!)

We have reached the half-way point of Relationship Gratitude Challenge. I hope that you have been able to laugh, cry, smile and enjoy your relationship up to this point. I hope most of all that things have improved between you and your partner.

If you are newlywed, or you have been married a long time. You have been through some stuff. Or maybe there was one moment that changed everything.

As part of Relationship Gratitude Day 15 lets remember those bad times, the frustrations, failures, and losses. Write them down, share them with your partner then throw it away. This is one note that you don’t want to keep.

 

 

 

 

In relationships we tend to hold onto the negative forever and it keeps us from moving forward together.

Notice how much better things are now. Focus on resiliency and renewal.

 

 
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Posted by on November 15, 2011 in 30 days of Gratitude

 

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Good morning my Name is ______ and my wife is a bully?

This is Anti-Bullying week? When we think about bullying, it usually conjures up images of kids being abused at school or on social media sites.

Did you know there is such a thing as being bullied by your wife? We tend to focus more on women who are emotionally, or physically abused by their husband. Probabably by the mere fact that how could you possibly injure or kill the mother of your children?

When we hear stories about men being abused, we shake our heads in a different way. We think to ourselves, “Poor man, what is wrong with him? Why couldn’t he stand up and handle his business?”

Men are often left in a precarious situation, not because they have a weak character, but because they know if they take action and exert their strength they may have to prove in a court of law they were the actual victims.  Knowing how our court system works, that’s a 50/50 proposition at best. So they would rather take the punishment hoping it will eventually goes away, but in reality it never does.  Another reason why men don’t usually take action is because they think to themselves, “How am I being bullied, I am a man!”

Strivers! How can we help our male friends that are close to us be made aware? If you have heard any of these phrases from them more than once, get them help. They are being bullied by their spouse:

  1. It’s either her way, or I’ll  pay. – In essence she wants control in and every part of the relationship. She will resort to any means necessary to achieve her goal.
  2. I’m never good enough syndrome. – No matter how hard he tries, he can’t meet her expectations. This leads to a sense of helplessness. No matter what he does, he won’t win.
  3. She said that to me at the restaurant! – Being verbally attacked in public is a man’s worst nightmare. It will break his self-confidence because women are often viewed as the victim and he must have done something really bad to evoke such a response. This will leave him with a “walk-on-egg-shells” type mentality the next time he is out in public with his wife.
  4. I live in the city of chaos. – He is confused on how he should live. Should he jump in the sandbox of her chaotic life and defend himself or just sit back be an unwilling participant. He doesn’t realize that she feeds on negative energy and conflict. It’s easier to focus on that than to really dig deep and identify the problems, or emotions that are affecting her.
  5. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex without begging. – She refuses to satisfy any physical, emotional and psychological needs he may have unless her needs are met first. He is left with a relationship that is based on transactions. It’s like going to the ATM and trying take  out money not realizing your PIN code has changed every day. The only way you can get money is if you hopefully get an angry customer service rep to help you.
  6. I can’t remember the last time I have seen you, or my family. – Here antics have left him isolated. This type of spontaneous behavior from his spouse can leve him to go it alone because he never knows when Mt. St. Helens will erupt.  In reality, you are the one that’s ultimately left to depend on her? Ask him is that what you want in a relationship? If he says, no encourage him to STEP OUT. Have him call me or seek an abuse counselor for support.

I came across this site, that might be helpful A Shrink for Men, which was very helpful for this post.

Remember Strivers, you  are too important to be abused. Have a good rest of the week.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on October 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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