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Category Archives: For My Single Peeps.

How dependent are you? A case study!

This excerpt is taken from the book Attached – The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find and Keep Love.

A few years ago, our close friend Tamara started dating someone new:

I first noticed Greg at a cocktail party at a friend’s house. He was unbelievably good-looking, and I found the fact that I caught his eye very flattering. A few days later we went our for dinner with some other people, and I couldn’t resist the glimmer of excitement in his eyes when he looked at me. But what I found most enticing were his words and an implicit promise of togetherness that he conveyed. The promise of not being alone. He said things like, “Tamara, you don’t have to be home all by yourself, you can come and work over at my place,” “You can call me an time you like.” There was comfort in these statements: The comfort of belonging to someone, of not being alone in the world.

c-codependent

If I’d only listened carefully, I could have easily heard another message that was incongruent with this promise, a message that made it clear that Greg feared getting too close and was uncomfortable witht he commitment.  Several times he’d mentioned that he’d never had a stable relationship –that for some reason always grew tired of his girlfriends and felt the need to move on……

As we got closer, his messages got more erratic and everthing started to fall apart; he began telling me that he was too busy to meet on this night or that. Sometimes he’d claim that his entire work week looked “crazy” and would ask if we could just meet on the weekend. I’d agree, but inside I had a sinking feeling something was wrong, but what?

After a while, the ups and downs started to take a toll and I could no longer control my emotions. I didn’t know how to act, and despite my better judgement, I’d avoid making plans with friends in case he called. I completley lost interest in everything else that was important to me. Before long the relationship couldn’t withstand the strain and everything soon came to a screeching halt.

One of the reasons dating can be so challenging is because of scenarios just like this. One person becomes attached before the other partner catches up emotionally. Over the course of the week will be helping singles understand their attachment style and how they can use it to their advantage to find the mate of their dreams.

We will first start by analyzing the excerpt.

What do you think of her behavior? Is there something she could have done differently in order to receive a different result.

What about him? Was he being true to himself, or was he just playing her?

Coach Keith

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Posted by on July 8, 2013 in For My Single Peeps.

 

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Video

I have a Resolute Heart! What about You?

As I was looking at the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, I ran across this interesting study called the Heart Chart. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot from the TwoofUs.org have done some extensive research and created this Heart Chart.

The Heart Chart reveals what you are saying about love and marriage and provides you with customized information related specifically to your marriage mindset.

Why is this important? With the U.S. divorce rate is at an all-time high, with half of all marriages ending in divorce or permanent separation. A broad consensus has emerged among researchers that changes in the American family structure have had significant negative impacts on the well-being of  children as well as adults. Previous research has shown that the implications for children who experience the divorce of their parents include elevated risk for conduct disorders and psychological problems; low self-esteem; a greater likelihood of obtaining a lower level of education and lower-status jobs; and greater potential to experience trouble in their own marriages.

Individuals between the ages of 18-30 are looking for partners who fit into their lifestyles and complement their personal goals and individual needs, but many are not confident that they possess the tools to attain this goal.

Before you get serious, take this quiz (see link below), to see where your partner’s heart is?

THE HEART QUIZ.

Here is the key to my Heart!

I would love to hear what sort of Heart you are.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2013 in For My Single Peeps.

 

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Who is your Jeremy Lin?

Let me tell you right here and now, I am not a New York Knicks fan. I would have to be LINsane if I didn’t know the one individual that has transformed the New York sports landscape, Jeremy Lin. In his brief start as the New York Knicks point guard he has brought not only excitement to New York basketball, but an excitement to the NBA that hasn’t been felt since Michael Jordan retired.

You may be asking yourself is this a relationship blog, or ESPN. Don’t worry there is a correlation.

If you’ve had some challenges in the dating arena, you may have to ask yourself have I overlooked my Jeremy Lin? If you have dated long enough you have had a Jeremy Lin in your life. Even I, Coach Keith, was a Jeremy Lin before I found my beloved PG.

Here are some of the qualities that the Jeremy Lin in your life may have that you might not have considered.

  • Perseverance– Jeremy never gave up on his abilities even though he was overlooked many times. So ask yourself, is there a person you have overlooked based solely on external characteristics.?He has been trying to get your attention, but there may be some quality about him that has held you back.
  • Patience – You can’t judge your Jeremy Lin based on one or two meetings. The real Jeremy Lin was not recruited by any top flight Division 1 college basketball programs. He went to Harvard. Lin actually stated, “His game is something you had to see more than once.” So who did you write off after one or two dates because it didn’t go the way you thought it should.
  • Risk/Reward – The Knicks had lost 11 of 15 games and needed a spark to turn your season around. They expected a player with more experience to help, but that help never came. So out of desperation, they turned to the unproven Lin.  The reward has been tremendous. The team quickly began selling replicas of Lin’s No. 17 jerseys and t-shirts, and the sales and traffic for its online store increased more than 3,000%.  Has your dating life been stagnant, or better yet non-existent? Instead of FB messaging your Jeremy Lin about the basketball game, go to the game, or watch the game together at a sports bar. You just might find that spark you need to bring to turn your love life around.

In relationships, you may have to think outside the box and consider the man/woman you might have overlooked. It might be the most wonderful rewarding relationship you will ever have.

 
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Posted by on February 24, 2012 in For My Single Peeps.

 

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A “New” Attitude – The Makeover of Relationships

When we often think of a makeover we think about a new wardrobe, cosmetic surgery, or any minor adjustment that will help us feel better about ourselves on the outside. But do we ever think about a relationship makeover? No! We automatically assume that the individual adjustments to our teeth, tummy or our breasts will bring the man of our dreams, when in fact it’s our attitudes about dating and relationships that are the main cause of our obstacles in the first place.

Some of the common attitudes about dating are as follows:

  • There are no good men out there.
  • Of the few good men that are available, they are either married or gay.
  • Men don’t want to settle down, the just want to hit it and keep it movin’.

Have you ever really sat down and wondered where your thoughts about relationships come from? Your attitudes about relationships start to develop before you are even born. According to John Maxwell’s book Attitude 101, there are 6 stages where you develop certain characteristics that impact your attitude.

The first characteristic is your personality. There are four basic temperaments that shape how you view things, Sanguine (extroverted), Choleric (a doer), Melancholic (a perfectionist), Phlegmatic (self-content, kind).

The next characteristic is your environment. Our environment is the first challenger of our belief system. For example, even if we have a positive outlook about relationships, but we live in an environment that challenges that idea, it will begin to chip away at our beliefs.

The final characteristic is what moments we remember in past relationships. If you constantly hear negative words during a tumultuous relationship, they will linger long after the physical pain of the break up.

To start the Makeover process, you must peel away the layers of negativity.

What negative emotions are you holding on to? I would love to hear from you.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on February 3, 2012 in For My Single Peeps.

 

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