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Monthly Archives: August 2013

Everyone can have Secure Partner! The question is do you want one?

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Before I met, PG there was someone in my life that I actually adored. I really thought that she was “the one”, and I never could figure out, why she wasn’t.

We are good friends to this day and she was able to find the person that was right for her, but with the invention of FACEBOOK,  I was curious why we didn’t work out? Simply put, she wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I could provide; stable, secure, BORING.

Everyone can have a partner that is very secure about the relationship. The question is, do you want that type of person in your life? In this age of reality TV, and constant news coverage, it may be hard to fathom being with someone who has a secure relationship style. Due to the lack of drama in their life, it can be perceived they are emotionless, even boring. Quite the contrary, if you have an avoidant attachment style, or and anxious attachment style, a secure person is exactly the person you should seek.

Here’s why:

People that are secure have Buffering Powers.

According to Patrick Keelan as part of his doctoral dissertation from the University of Toronto found that individuals with a secure attachment style are more satisfied in their relationships, but what is even greater about them is they are able to decrease their partner’s insecure relationship satisfaction level.

What you see is not usually what you get!

Individuals with secured attachment styles come in all shapes and sizes. The might be the life of the party, but also the biggest wallflower in the room. One thing is for certain, they can handle any relationship as if it’s by magic.

They possess these superpowers that other attachment styles just can’t master.

  1. Can diffuse most conflicts – during a fight, they don’t get defensive, and don’t try to escalate a situation by injuring or punishing their partner.
  2. Mentally flexible – not threatened by criticism and can revise their beliefs or strategies if necessary.
  3. Effective communicators – they are naturals at expressing their feelings freely and accurately.
  4. Don’t play games – They want closeness, so if you are down with that..Step up.
  5. They enjoy closeness  for what it is. – And aren’t afraid of it, which is difficult for the anxious if the closeness isn’t t their standards, or the avoid ants, who will bolt at the nearest indication of it.
  6. Find it easy to forgive – Feel their partner’s intentions are good, even when they mess up.
  7. They don’t try and separate intimacy and sex.
  8. If you are in their inner circle, you are treated as such.
  9. Secure in their power to improve the relationship.
  10. Responsible for their partner’s well-being.

You won’t have time to make up you mind.

A person with a secured attachment style will naturally gravitate toward those people who make them happy. They will not fall prey to the emotional highs and lows that plague anxious individuals and they will not project a false fantasy that you are “the one” and then pull the rug from under your feet when you decide to show your true feelings.

Because they are effective communicators, they will let you know how they feel about you. It will be up to you to determine if you are ready to go the distance. They will take the chance.

So if you  are one of non-secure attachment styles, you must decide very early into the relationship if you can handle that because they will not be around very long for you to make up your mind.

Don’t take Secureds for granted.

You make think you have hit the lottery, when you are able to finally have that secured stable man/woman that you have longed for all your life. But don’t be fooled, you will have to make a concerted effort to move to a more secure frame of mind, which will take some work on your part. You will know if you have pushed things too far, if your once secured partner has taken on the traits that you possess. Let’s hope that never happens.

What do you think about this topic? Have you ever pushed someone who seemed secure out of your life based on your attachment style? If you were able to get them back, how did you do it? I would love to hear?

Coach Keith

 

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To Avoid or Not to Avoid: 8 Tips You can do NOW to Learn to Love!

To avoid, or not to avoid! That is the question, for I have done it all my life because I just can’t meet the right person, or the person I do meet wants me to be “tied down” immediately. Oh, never have I reached down and searched my soul to determine if it was me that could not, would not love.

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That is about the change. These 8 tips will help avoidant attachment style individuals take that one step closer to achieving true intimacy instead of relying on severe loneliness, a major accident, or a life changing event to get you there.  Before you begin to practice these steps while you are dating or in a relationship, you will have to acknowledge and understand that you are avoiding love first before you begin. These steps will be a little challenging at first because  it will require that you live in the moment and acknowledge these behaviors in order to change them.

  1. Know and understand what deactivating strategies you use. – Look back and figure out why a relationship(s) ended. If you need to speak to your past boyfriends/girlfriends. When these strategies come up again, you will have to stop and think, “Am I doing it again.”
  2. Stress mutual support with your partner. If you have a partner that falls into the anxious category, you will have to work so you partner steps back and creates a more secure base, while you  work on not trying to distance yourself. Knowing your styles is crucial at this moment.
  3. Find a secure partner. – The more secure the better. It will mean less defensiveness, less fighting and less stress.
  4. Don’t always focus on the negative. – When you have a tendency to want to gt out of a relationship, you will focus on any negative behavior in order to get out of it. When you recognize this, remind yourself that your partner isn’t perfect and that you are choosing to live with them as part of what makes them special.
  5. Focus on what’s right about your partner daily. At any moment, you are ready to pull the parachute on the relationship. By focusing on what is right about your partner, will help shift your thinking more positively.
  6. Stop using your EX as a pawn! They have moved on. – When you are in a different relationship it easy to compare the positive qualities your ex to your current partner. The problem is, while you where in the relationship with your ex, you never acknowledge their positive qualities, so why do it now.
  7. “The one” isn’t going to fall out of the sky. A person becomes the one by choosing that person and actively engaging in their life and allowing that person to do the same.
  8. Focus on activities and not just emotions. Allow activities to fuel your feelings of love. By doing things together that you both like, will allow your feelings of intimacy to bubble to the surface.

If you implore these coaching tips, you will be on the path of love in no time.

Coach Keith

 
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Posted by on August 1, 2013 in Attachment Series

 

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