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Everyone can have Secure Partner! The question is do you want one?

07 Aug

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Before I met, PG there was someone in my life that I actually adored. I really thought that she was “the one”, and I never could figure out, why she wasn’t.

We are good friends to this day and she was able to find the person that was right for her, but with the invention of FACEBOOK,  I was curious why we didn’t work out? Simply put, she wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I could provide; stable, secure, BORING.

Everyone can have a partner that is very secure about the relationship. The question is, do you want that type of person in your life? In this age of reality TV, and constant news coverage, it may be hard to fathom being with someone who has a secure relationship style. Due to the lack of drama in their life, it can be perceived they are emotionless, even boring. Quite the contrary, if you have an avoidant attachment style, or and anxious attachment style, a secure person is exactly the person you should seek.

Here’s why:

People that are secure have Buffering Powers.

According to Patrick Keelan as part of his doctoral dissertation from the University of Toronto found that individuals with a secure attachment style are more satisfied in their relationships, but what is even greater about them is they are able to decrease their partner’s insecure relationship satisfaction level.

What you see is not usually what you get!

Individuals with secured attachment styles come in all shapes and sizes. The might be the life of the party, but also the biggest wallflower in the room. One thing is for certain, they can handle any relationship as if it’s by magic.

They possess these superpowers that other attachment styles just can’t master.

  1. Can diffuse most conflicts – during a fight, they don’t get defensive, and don’t try to escalate a situation by injuring or punishing their partner.
  2. Mentally flexible – not threatened by criticism and can revise their beliefs or strategies if necessary.
  3. Effective communicators – they are naturals at expressing their feelings freely and accurately.
  4. Don’t play games – They want closeness, so if you are down with that..Step up.
  5. They enjoy closeness  for what it is. – And aren’t afraid of it, which is difficult for the anxious if the closeness isn’t t their standards, or the avoid ants, who will bolt at the nearest indication of it.
  6. Find it easy to forgive – Feel their partner’s intentions are good, even when they mess up.
  7. They don’t try and separate intimacy and sex.
  8. If you are in their inner circle, you are treated as such.
  9. Secure in their power to improve the relationship.
  10. Responsible for their partner’s well-being.

You won’t have time to make up you mind.

A person with a secured attachment style will naturally gravitate toward those people who make them happy. They will not fall prey to the emotional highs and lows that plague anxious individuals and they will not project a false fantasy that you are “the one” and then pull the rug from under your feet when you decide to show your true feelings.

Because they are effective communicators, they will let you know how they feel about you. It will be up to you to determine if you are ready to go the distance. They will take the chance.

So if you  are one of non-secure attachment styles, you must decide very early into the relationship if you can handle that because they will not be around very long for you to make up your mind.

Don’t take Secureds for granted.

You make think you have hit the lottery, when you are able to finally have that secured stable man/woman that you have longed for all your life. But don’t be fooled, you will have to make a concerted effort to move to a more secure frame of mind, which will take some work on your part. You will know if you have pushed things too far, if your once secured partner has taken on the traits that you possess. Let’s hope that never happens.

What do you think about this topic? Have you ever pushed someone who seemed secure out of your life based on your attachment style? If you were able to get them back, how did you do it? I would love to hear?

Coach Keith

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