We got to keep the fires burning
A flame so bright to show the way
We got to keep the fires burning
That leads us to a better day…Keep the Fire Burning (Incognito)
These lyrics are very appropriate when it comes to maintaining a sexual relationship in marriage. As I have written before, maintaining a sexual relationship takes a certain focus that challenges all married couples as some point or another. Add kids, work and life changes it’s no wonder why sex can take a back seat. If you are a STRIVER, you must make a conscious effort today to change. Here are some tips:
Talking is the best sex starter!
It may seem corny, or uncomfortable, but talking about such things as:
What fantasies you want your mate to fulfill?
What are your areas of insecurity?
What turns you on before sex and makes you begin to desire your partner?
What type of actions (foreplay) would help you get into the mood for sex?
This is just a few questions that could help you discuss the topic of sex. It’s crucial that allow you partner to speak freely by reserving any judgement, or criticism.
Beware the Gremlins!
If you have seen the movie, Gremlins, you know the furry creatures look cute on the inside, but in reality are very scary and ugly. In sex, those gremlins are the negative thoughts and beliefs we have about sex; guilt around sex, views about how sex should play out in the bedroom, and our image of our bodies. Acknowledge these issues with your spouse, and validate their feelings as well and vice-versa.
Check self-evaluation at the bedroom door!
If you have had any of these thoughts, it’s time to stop.
- “She doesn’t think I am a good lover.”
- “I hope she is enjoying this. I want him to love me.”
- “He is not getting aroused. It must be me.”
These evaluation phrases can destroy any love-making possibilities. If things aren’t working, take some time and talk about it, instead of reverting to criticism.
We all should know that when it comes to sex, men are quick out the gate, and women like to cruise. In your sexual relationship, you have to be mindful of that fact and don’t create additional pressure to the situation. Building up performance expectations will cause the opposite effect.
Men, don’t get upset if she isn’t screaming in the pillow for more; ladies don’t pat your husband on the head and give him the phony “It’s okay!” speech.
Go back to tip #1 and find out how you can get to pleasurable, sexual experience together.
Time for a dose of Insanity.
In order to increase your sexual pleasure, you may have to get off the couch and into the gym. Getting more rest, eating healthy, increased exercise, reducing stress can do more to improve your sexual relationship in marriage than just by having more sex. When you feel better about yourself, you will feel better about having sex.
Set up a Sex Meeting in Outlook.
I have stressed this many times. You have to make sex in your relationship special, otherwise you cheapen the moment. Be proactive and schedule time to get away even if it’s overnight. You may think that it’s no fun because it’s not spontaneous. Honestly, spontaneity left the building when you had kids. If you make it a priority to have sex more often, the spontaneity will return and the desire will too.
Support Each Other
Remember, couples that are Strivers are team members. In order to have better sex, you must support, challenge and support each other in all situations.