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Dear Jane/Dear Joe – Confessions of how Coach K helped me view Marriage Differently!

04 May

Dear Joe:

I just want to let you know that I love you very much and that I want our marriage to work. Marrying you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am not sure where and when our marriage started to go south, but I know we weren’t connecting. I know we haven’t been intimate in a long time and I always felt that was a strong point in our relationship. You always use to play with my hair, tickle me and fondle my breasts even if we were just sitting on the couch watching tv. You know what I miss the most was the fact you use to just give me big hugs. That made me feel loved more than ever.

Even when we were arguing, you use to find a way to touch me to help loosen the tension. Now you don’t even make an attempt and it made me very angry. My feelings of anger became so entrenched, I felt like this marriage was a mistake. I knew that I couldn’t keep living like this, so I decided to talk to Coach Keith. He has great insight and would get to the source of where my anger was coming from. After speaking with him several times, he pointed out some things that are so clear now that I would like to share.

When I was 13, my dad made it very clear not to depend on no man to take care of me and support me and my children. He showed love by barking commands and pushing us to excellence. He was very strict when it came to dating and he gave my boyfriends a really hard time. When I left for college, I was glad to be out of his house and I rarely went home.

It was at that time I ignored my dad’s advice and as an act of defiance became very dependent on men to bolster my self-esteem. The problem was every time I would want to take it to the next level it would end due to various reasons. I sunk further into a pit of despair and slowly as a way to get some sense of control back into my relationships, I reverted back to the old ways that my dad had taught me. When I met you, your calm demeanor and laid back attitude grounded me and allowed me to have that control. 

Coach Keith pointed out that somewhere, even though I was in control, I resented it and wanted to change you. When you didn’t lash out in anger or put limits on my life, like my father, I began to lose respect for you. It was my negative energy towards you that led to my outbursts and my lack of validating the type of man you are and the importance I needed that in my life. He also pointed out that in response to the lack of respect, you distanced yourself from me. He finally helped me to acknowledge my need for control was affecting the marriage and gave me tips on how to let things go, and to view the marriage from a 100/100 perspective instead of 50/50.

I am working on it, but I can’t work on it without you. I ask for forgiveness for not giving you the respect you deserve. I want our marriage to start fresh with new excitement. I miss your touch!

Love,

Jane

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Posted by on May 4, 2011 in Dear Jane/Dear Joe!

 

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