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Dear Jane/Dear Joe..Confessions of how Coach K helped me view Marriage differently!

03 May

I hope you like my NEW series..I will address a series of issues on how a husband/wife get assistance with a conflict in their marriage. Please note: These are fictitious stories, but the topics are very real. I hope the topics resonate with you to comment or forward to your friends.

Dear Jane:

I just want to let you know that I love you very much and that I want your our marriage to work even though we haven’t been on the same page lately. Being married to you the last year has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I know we have been going through challenges lately. I know I haven’t shown you the unconditional love you deserved and we have been arguing a lot because of it.

I would like to explain my actions. As you know, my father left us very early in my childhood. My mom instilled in me strong values on how I should live as a man, which has helped me get to this point. Unfortunately, my mom didn’t use the same parameters when it came to her relationships.  She frequently chose men based on the amount of affection they gave her, both physically, spiritually and emotionally. I recalled many times when my mom was happy and in a good mood because her man had showered her with many gifts, love and affection. My sister and I were also recipients of those gifts. We received bikes, video games and new clothes all the time.

But it never lasted.  As soon as the relationship progressed and the men expected to receive things in return like support, gifts or even respect my mom would either get angry or shut down. She never wanted to deal with conflict, so she would just ignore the situation. It would always get to a point that the tension was so unbearable that the men would eventually shut down and just leave.  Many times it would leave my sister and I just empty and disappointed.

This sort of behavior transferred to my earlier relationships..If the person I was dealing with at the time was satisfying me emotionally, physically and spiritually the relationship was great. The minute they wanted more, or I sensed the relationship was going in a more serious direction, I bounced.

When I met you that all changed..The best thing you had to offer was yourself, and your respect for me wasn’t based on material things..Our courtship to marriage was great and I couldn’t wait to enjoy our married life. Recently, the conflicts in our marriage has caused me to withdraw and not be present because I didn’t know what to do. I knew I didn’t want to our marriage to end, but I had to do something, so I called Coach Keith.

He helped me to see that your love and the respect you give me isn’t based on what I give you and how I please you. You seek unconditional love because that’s what you need in marriage. If you receive that, I will receive the unconditional love I so desperately need. I know conflict are inevitable, but working on them together will be more satisfying that doing them alone.

I hope we can start over from this point..Can you forgive me?

Love,

Joe

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2 Comments

Posted by on May 3, 2011 in Dear Jane/Dear Joe!

 

2 responses to “Dear Jane/Dear Joe..Confessions of how Coach K helped me view Marriage differently!

  1. Jayne Claire

    May 4, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Being real is what i bliv u tell the men n women. That’s what ave always said on relations that we be real to ourselves n each other but then again if i may ask Keith, what if person is riding on self pity n is using it as excuse? :-/

     
    • strivetwosucceed

      May 4, 2011 at 7:16 pm

      First of all..Thank your for the reply. I will always remember this because you are the first. In regards to the self pity, it is helpful to figure out where that is coming from. As a coach, I don’t get in the “sandbox” with them..It’s not helpful, only for them to understand the source, acknowledge it and give them tools to understand and remove it for the sake of their relationship.

       

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